Page 55 of Don't Let Me Go
“I’mfine,” I bark. “I’m just tired, okay? So can we stop talking?”
“Okay.” The word comes out in a whisper, but the hurt in his voice is deafening. It’s like a sucker punch to my gut.
What is wrong with me?Why am I being such an ass? It’s not Riley’s fault I had that stupid dream. Why am I being such a baby about it? I mean, so what if I had a dream about us belonging together? I also dreamed I was some sort of cat burglar in London. The entire dreamwas nonsense. It’s not fair to take out my frustration on Riley just because I have an overactive imagination. He hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m the one being a dick.
“Sorry,” I sigh, finally turning to look at him. “I didn’t mean to bite your head off. Today’s just been?.?.?.?a lot.”
“It’s okay,” he answers, shooting me a tentative smile. It’s a small thing, but it makes my heaviness feel a hundred pounds lighter. “I should’ve told you we were taking you to a gay bar. I know from experience your first time can be stressful. I didn’t mean for you to get overwhelmed.”
Despite the awkwardness of everything I’m feeling, Riley’s comment makes me laugh out loud. “Dude, I know you think I’m some caveman jock, but I didn’t pass out because you took me to a gay bar. I’m not that fragile.”
At least I hope I’m not. Then again, considering the way I’ve been acting, maybe I’m not as secure in my masculinity as I thought.
“I was actually having a good time before I fainted,” I add, hoping to make up for my piss-poor attitude. “And I’m sorry I ruined your song. For what it’s worth, the part I heard was great.”
Riley shoots me a smirk. “Yeah, sure. You liked itso much, you decided you’d rather be unconscious.”
“Hey, now,” I retort, “if that’s the way you want to play it, then I’m the one who should be insulted.”
“Why?”
“Because I might’ve fainted when I heard you sing, but you fainted when you saw myface.”
Riley chuckles. And if his earlier smile put my entire body at ease, then his laughter makes me feel like everything is right with the world.
By the time we pull into my aunt’s driveway, things are pretty much back to normal between Riley and me. Though I still want to kick myself for letting things get weird in the first place.
I can’t believe I got so worked up over nothing.Lessthan nothing.
I mean, I played football for three years. I probably saw more dicks in the locker room than Riley’s seen in his entire life. Did that freak me out or make me question my identity? No. Because I’m confident and comfortable in my sexuality, and one stupid dream doesn’t change anything.
“Thanks for the ride home,” I say as Riley walks me to my front door.
“No problem. What are you going to do for the rest of the day?”
“Probably just take it easy. Watch some TV.”
“Cool. Well, if you need anything, let me know.”
I start to unlock the front door, expecting Riley to head back to his car. Instead, he shuffles in place, staring down at his scuffed-up Chucks like he’s working up the courage to speak.
“You okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just?.?.?.?I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re all right. When you passed out in the middle of my song, I got worried. Really worried.” He shoots me a small, heartfelt smile. Then, as if embarrassed by his sincerity, he adds, “Purely for selfish reasons, of course.”
“Of course,” I say, playing along.
“Obviously, I’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this friendship despite your multiple shortcomings, and I’ve gotten used to having you around, so it would just suck if for any reason you—weren’t.”
This might be the most grudging compliment anyone has ever given me. But coming from Riley, it feels like scoring a touchdown.
“Don’t worry,” I assure him. “You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon.”
Without thinking, as if by instinct, I reach out and pull him into a hug. Maybe it’s on account of the sheer weirdness of this day, but I’m almost overwhelmed by how much my body needs this.
I don’t really understand it. But holding Riley in my arms feels right. More than right. It feels familiar. Like coming home. Like—
Like we belong together.
