Page 64 of Don't Let Me Go
“Yeah. He was just?.?.?.?late for something.”
Aunt Rachel looks dubious. Thankfully, one of her overstuffed bags tips over, spilling several bright red tomatoes across the floor. I jump off the sofa and start gathering them up.
“Here. Let me help you.”
“Thanks,” she says, hoisting up her bags again with a laugh. “I kind of went overboard on kale.”
We take the groceries into the kitchen, where my aunt launches into a story about some drama that went down at the farmers’ market. Something about a fistfight that broke out between two farmers because one of them accused the other of passing off Smucker’s as his own homemade organic jelly. I don’t know. I’m only half listening.
All I can think about is Riley.
Less than an hour ago, in that gazebo, I was so certain I wanted to kiss him. Just once. Just to see how it felt and find out if there really wassomethingbetween us.
But now? I don’t know what I want. The fact that I’m on the verge of a heart attack because my aunt almost caught me making out with a boy isn’t a great sign. It’s pretty much proof that I am not ready for anything more complicated than friendship with Riley. Not if this is how I’m reacting.
Then again, who knows how I’d be reacting if I’d actually gotten to kiss him? Maybe if Aunt Rachel hadn’t come home, I’d still be doing it. Maybe a kiss would’ve changed everything.
Is that what I want, though? For everything to change?
If so, why does the thought of that terrify me?
“Jackson,” my aunt barks, snapping me out of my head. “Did you hear me?”
Blinking in confusion, I turn to see her staring at me with an expression of amused exasperation. I think she’s been trying to get my attention for a while.
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“I said, ‘Don’t go into the light, Carol Anne.’?”
I’m so lost. “Carol Anne?”
“The little girl inPoltergeist? She falls into a trance and gets sucked into the light of her TV?”
“What?”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Jackson,shut the fridge.”
I have no idea what my aunt is talking about until I feel the chill on my skin and realize that I’m standing in front of the open refrigerator. I must have spaced out in the middle of putting away the kale.
“Sorry,” I mumble, shutting the door.
“You okay, kiddo?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Duy just had me standing in the sun all morning. I’m a little wiped out. If it’s okay with you, I’m gonna go lie down.”
Without giving my aunt a chance to respond, I hurry to my room.
I need to talk to Riley. Regardless of how freaked out I am, I need to make sure he’s okay. He looked really upset when he left. And I don’t blame him. He must think I hate him.
I pull out my phone. But just as I’m about to call, it occurs to me that I have no idea what I’m gonna say.
Am I calling to tell him that everything’s cool between us and we can just pretend nothing happened? Or am I calling to tell him that I’d like to try again?
Would he even want to try again after the way I acted? And what happens if we do try again and I decide I don’t like him in that way? That’s not fair to Riley. He’s already had one guy in his life who played with his head and fucked with his heart. I can’t put him through that again.
Unsure what to do, I lie back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling as a nauseous feeling opens up in the pit of my stomach.
I can’t call Riley until I figure out what I want. But I can’t figure out what I want without talking to Riley. I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get unstuck without potentially hurting the one person in the world I’d do anything to protect.
