Page 26 of Don't Let Me Go
For some reason, this strikes me as one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
“I’m actually starting an internship with the ACLU in a week. My dad set it up for me. He’s a lawyer there, and hereallywants me to follow in his footsteps.”
“That’s great,” Jackson exclaims. The face I make must indicate that I think otherwise, because almost immediately he adds, “Isn’t it?”
“You’d think, but...”
“But what?”
I shrug. “Do you remember earlier this morning when you asked if I ever felt like I was living the wrong life?” I don’t need to say anything more. Jackson nods.
“Ah. Gotcha.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so we’ve established that you don’t want to be a lawyer,andyou don’t want a boyfriend or love,andyou don’t want to move to New York,” Jackson says as he enumerates these items on his fingers before flashing me a mischievous smile. “Whatdoyou want?”
I shake my head and let out a long sigh. “Great fucking question.”
This isn’t the first time someone has pointed out that when it comes to what Idon’twant, I have the unrelenting certainty of a boomer, but when it comes to what I do want out of life, I’m about as clueless as a newborn babe.
It doesn’t help that all my friends seem to have come out of the womb knowing exactly who they are and what they want to do withtheir lives. Audrey is going to be a singer like her dad. Duy wants to work in fashion. Tala has her heart set on becoming a therapist.
But me? You’d think by this point in my life I’d have found something that I’m passionate about. Some vocation or calling or even a hobby that I could obsess over and build my personality and/or future around. But I haven’t.
“There’s got to be something you want,” Jackson presses.
I shake my head. “You sound like Tala. She told me she read this article online that said in order to be a healthy, happy, functional human being, you can’t know only what you don’t want out of life. You also have to know what you do want. The way Tala explained it, you can’t go through life just saying no to everything—‘No, I don’t want this.’ ‘No, I don’t like that.’ For every no, there has to be an accompanying yes. ‘No, I don’t want this, butyes, I do want that.’ Otherwise you reject everything life has to offer, and you end up sad, miserable, and alone.”
Jackson nods. “Sounds like good advice.”
“Yeah, it is. Only...”
“Only what?”
“I’ve never been able to find anything to say yes to.”
Jackson scrutinizes me with his deep blue eyes.Eyes bluer than the Bay of Naples, I can’t help thinking.
“That’s okay,” he finally says, shooting me an encouraging smile. “You’re in high school. You’ve got time.”
“Yeah,” I agree. Though after almost eighteen years, I can’t help worrying that time is exactly what I’m running out of. I can feel my life turning into one giantno,and I’m nervous that I’ll never find anything that makes me sayyes.
“Of course, if you want my advice,” Jackson continues, stealing some fries off my plate now that his are all gone, “I think you should reconsider the whole anti-love thing.”
“Oh, really?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”
Jackson shrugs. “I think you’d make a really good boyfriend.”
I feel the heat rise in my cheeks. And when I open my mouth, my throat is so dry, I need to take a sip of my Diet Coke before I can speak.
“Why do you thinkthat?” I eventually manage to ask.
“Well, from what I’ve seen, you’re really protective of the people you care about. And you don’t take shit from anyone. I feel like if some asshole tried to mess with anyone you were dating, you’d lay them out in ten seconds flat. Or you’d tell them off so badly they’d never show their face in public again.”
“You’re telling me I’d make a good boyfriend because I’m scary?”
“Um,yeah. Have you met you? You’re terrifying.” Jackson laughs. “But you’re also a good person. This morning when I told you about what happened in Tallahassee, you were really there for me. In fact, you’re the first person that I’ve met in a long time who’s made me feel like—I don’t know—like my life isn’t a total disaster. Like there’s a chance everything might turn out okay.”
