Leo mumbles something and tucks his hands under his chin like a little angelic cherub. His snore starts a moment later. What did he say? Did he mean that? Why would he want me to see him like I see Adam? Doesn’t he know I don’t see Adam, don’t love him? I couldn’t fathom an ounce of understanding for the man I’m married to. Not now. Not when I have no idea what I’m trying to fix. What does a normal, happy marriage look like?
My heart is knocking against my ribcage, but I grab a blanket from his recliner and cover his huge body. His bare feet aren’t covered, so I head into what must be the bedroom to seek out another blanket. His bedroom is a bigger mess. Clothes everywhere and his bed looks like an actual death bed. I grab the comforter off the floor and drag it back to the living room and cover him with it. I return to the bedroom and make his bed with the sheets, fluff his pillows and sort through all the clothes strewn about.
Mindlessly, I open the top drawer of his dresser to see if I can put things away for him. The notebook. The ratty notebook. Natalia’s name in bubble letters that turn into tree roots is emblazoned on the front. My chest aches as the find hits home. I run my hand over the cover and weigh my options. There’s no way I can’t peek at it. Not when I know how much it means to Leo. He is acting like a Grade-A douchebag tonight. I’ll use that as my rationale.
Using gentle hands, I pick it up and thumb to a random page. It’s a quote. A beautiful quote written in calligraphy so stunning that tattoo artists around the world would cry out in jealousy. The words prick tears. The words are for me. The words form a sentiment that embeds in my soul.
The greatest love of your life will follow your biggest mistake. It balances life’s scales. There’s nothing to fear. Only love to embrace.
What did this teenage girl know that I don’t? How fair is it that this profound knowledge resided inside the mind of a girl who was dying? A girl who would never know true romantic love or disastrous mistakes with consequences you can’t take back? My heart aches as I close the notebook and set it back into the hiding spot. I touch the top and thank Natalia, my voice low, but my heart loud. Over and over, I thank her as I plug in Leo’s phone next to him in the living room, clean up his kitchen and sulk out of his house with the young girl’s words haunting me.
Still, above it all, Leo’s searing gaze and statement ricochets through my mind.I want you to see me like you see him.Love me like you love him.