Page 40 of Lust in Translation

“Like what? Dodging my mom? Hanging on by a thread after almost losing my furry boy?” I pet him one more time for good measure. “Or is the shanty of my marital house a harbinger of joy?”

“Happy. I like to see you happy.”

“I don’t know why you think I’m happy. You are standing in the middle of a warzone.”

He shakes his head. “Simplify it down to this moment. Don’t think of anything that came before this. Exist here. With me.”

I stand straighter, my stomach flips and my body reacts to the authority in his tone. “I am here with you, Leo. But I’m also here,” I wave my arm around the house.

He nods. “Let’s get out of here. Are you ready to go? It’s going to take longer to get in today.”

“Margaret said it was fine if I arrived late. I don’t want to rush. My mom said the news is nothing but car crashes all over the Northeast.”

Leo rinses his mug out, and heads back to the guest room to grab his things. I put enough food in Coal’s bowl to keep him full for six days, and start the bundling process. Leo calls out that he shoveled already this morning and pulled his truck into the driveway. He was parked down the road last night when he was searching for Coal. I grab my things and my cell phone chimes.

“Good morning. Didn’t want to wake you.”The message from Adam reads.

My reply, “Morning…”

“Should we talk tonight then?”is his response.

I know what kind of talk he means and I’m suddenly sweating in my jacket.“I saw the papers on your desk last night. I don’t think there’s much else to talk about.”

“Those were only just in case. Don’t blow it out of proportion.”

How can he say that?

Leo rounds the corner, his snow weather gear on. “I’m going to get the truck started. Give me five then come out. The snow is still blowing around like a motherfucker.”

I force a smile. I meet his eyes. “Such a gentleman.”

“Always,” he tosses over his shoulder before slamming the door. Coal scampers from the kitchen and back into the bedrooms. He’ll never run outside again. That was a lesson learned, at the very least.

My phone chimes again from another text from Adam. “I’m serious. I’ll tear them up if you say the word. I’m tired. I’ve tried everything.”

The keyword there wasI’ve. He’s insinuating I haven’t tried. I text back, fingers shaking,“We will sign the papers tonight.”The first affirmative answer without any room for misinterpretation I’ve ever given him.

My heart races when I try to recall the last time I had sex with Adam. Did I know that was the last time? The last time he looked at me with love. Did he know that was the last time? Will my feelings for him always remain embedded in the grief of losing Noel? My mind is racing and I should be going to talk to my therapist instead of getting into a truck with Leo to go to work. Wincing as I open the door and lock it, I make my way to the driveway, my shins sticking in the snow. When I get to the passenger side, Leo reaches over and flings open the door for me.

I close it and shiver as the heat hits me. “Thank you again for last night, Leo. I was a mess, and now that I’m in this weather I know what you must have endured to find him.”

Leo clears this throat, and puts the truck into reverse. “I assure you I’ve endured far worse than anything Mother Nature can pelt me with. Don’t mention it.”

“Don’t downplay it. What you did last night meant a lot to me.”

He looks uncomfortable. “You’re welcome,” he says after a beat or two.

“I found divorce papers in Adam’s office last night,” I deadpan, keeping my gaze straight ahead. “I told him we’ll sign them tonight.”

Leo pauses, his gaze searing into the side of my head. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“I’d never seen them before, you know? The papers. It was surreal reading through them. So technical for something that began with the best of intentions. The disassembling of a family unit by the use of legal jargon.” I shake my head. “I needed to see them. It made me…realize…my relationship with Adam has only been technical since I lost the baby. A stringing together of motions that resembled a marriage to everyone in the outside world.”

Emotion clogs my throat, but when Leo stays silent, I press on. “No one knows what goes on inside a marriage. Unless you’re in it, the delicate balance isn’t yours to understand. No one can judge it. No one else can tell you how to do it. I have permission to be a wreck and to blanket myself with confusion and uncertainty just as Adam had the right to draft up those papers without knowing if we would make it through this.”

“It sounds like you’ve made a decision. A hard one. I’m sorry you have to go through this.” Leo keeps his gaze on the road, fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel as his truck blusters through the storm.

I shake my head. “I’ve been through it already. I severed my emotions from the marriage in the days after Noel died. Now though? Now I have to cut Adam. The Adam I fell for. That will hurt, but it will also make me happy he has a chance to be that person again. Even if it’s not with me.” The failure I feel at this ending is overshadowed by relief. “I feel bad it took me this long.”

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