Page 28 of Lust in Translation

CHAPTER EIGHT

KENDALL

WHITE LACE PANTY, SPARKLINGAvery is exactly what I needed to check my brain and heart when it came to Leo. I’m able to dodge his flirting at work easily. I don’t play into his hand when he asks me a personal question. I use Avery as a wedge—a reason to keep him at arm’s distance. He deserves happiness with a woman who isn’t fucked up. Hell, let’s go with an available woman. I can tell Leo knows what I’m doing, but he’s letting me. Because he’s a good person? Or because he thinks it may be good for my marriage? I don’t know, but I’ve been far less confused lately.

“Invite him over for dinner,” Juliet exclaims, clapping her hands. She’s sitting on the bed with Coal in her lap. It’s been a couple of weeks since Adam brought him home and he’s allowed in all areas of our house now, but we’re in the guest room, door closed as we chit chat. I don’t want our voices to disturb Adam in the office. Juliet’s been here for a full week, and it’s been like having a part of my family walk back into my world after a dull hiatus. I feel complete.

I take Coal from her and Juliet pouts. “It’s an awful idea. Adam would balk. Trust me. Leo is not his favorite.”

Juliet rolls her eyes. “It’s for me. I need a man on this coast. A distraction. I’ve been so busy with school, I don’t even remember what sex feels like.” She laughs, and I do, too, but there’s a hint of unease.

I swallow hard. “He’s taken,” I offer instead of telling her that I’d be jealous if she had sex with Leo. That I’d never be able to look at her again if she stole that which I covet most. “I mean, if you want to meet him, that’s one thing.” I twirl my wedding ring.

“Wait. What aren’t you telling me?” she lowers her voice. “Is there something going on with Leo and you?”

I widen my eyes and shake my hands in front of me. “Of course not. No.” I wish. I wish. I wish. “It’s complicated. Our friendship. Because he knows me and he’s sort of been there for me as someone to talk to after Noel.”

“Shouldn’t you be talking to your husband about that? I’m still so angry you didn’t tell me how you were really doing. I never would have guessed. Everyone handles loss differently. I trusted you when you said you were working through it and were feeling okay. Meanwhile, Adam tells me you’ve been in a really bad place. I don’t want to find out through him about my best friend.”

Coal meows and I scratch his chin. “I’m sorry. It seemed I was taking down everyone around me and I didn’t want to worry you. Or bother you. I knew you were so busy. My sadness was all consuming. I can see now how awful a mistake not talking to you was.”

“Shut up right now. That’s what best friends are for! That’s what they do. They take the suck for each other. Don’t ever hide anything like that from me again.” Oh, God. Is this my chance to tell another soul about Leo? About what I feel? What I don’t feel for Adam? It wasn’t until yesterday that I’d realized Adam hasn’t tried to have sex with me again. Not after that second time. He hasn’t questioned why I remained sleeping in the guest room after the kitten was set free in the house. I didn’t even think about it. It wasn’t even on my radar.

“Our marriage is fucked. It’s such a mess. I don’t know how to fix it. There are like these really high-highs that dot a curtain of misery. He’s not happy. I’m…I don’t know what I am anymore. The therapist says we’re close to being all better because we’re meeting all these wickets, but I don’t know. I’m not even sure how to try anymore.”

Juliet doesn’t look shocked, but concern creases her features. “Do you want to fix it?”

I think about how best to explain it. “Do you know how you associate one thing with another? There’s something broken inside me, I think. The association is too strong.”

“Explain,” Juliet deadpans, grabbing my hand.

“It’s going to sound crazy.” I clutch her fingers for support.

She gives me the look like I don’t even know what crazy is.

Grinning I say, “When I tweeze my eyebrows I think aboutFifty Shades of Grey.When I look out the kitchen window while I’m washing a plate I think about that one dancing scene fromDirty Dancing.When I put lotion on my face at night I think about the scent of a freshly cut lawn. None of it makes sense and the association happened at some point that I can’t recall, right? It must have. But they’re all strong associations I can’t kill, but they’re harmless. Like, who cares if I think about the red room of pain while I tweeze my brows?”

Juliet nods, like she understands exactly what I mean. “And Adam. The association tied to him is?”

“You’re not like using all your medical knowledge to dissect me, are you?”

“I’m not a damn shrink. I think I know where you’re going with this, though. Tell me. What’s the association with Adam?”

Sucking in a breath, I hold it. I look at Coal. “Not what you’d think.” Shifting, I set the kitten down and stand from the bed. I open the closet and pull out the urn. I set the box on the dresser. “That’s her urn. That’s Noel.” I swallow hard, but tears don’t come. I’m ready to move forward. I have to be. My life is dwindling by. Tears prick in Juliet’s eyes.

“When I look at Adam, only after I haven’t seen him for a while, I see how he used to be. That red hat and deck shoes, drinking beer on the boat. Not a care in the world. He’s always laughing. That big, huge laugh that made everyone around us join in.” I pull the urn out and set it down. “This happened,” I choke out. “He didn’t want to keep the ashes. He cleaned the crib and all of the things in this room out one day when I was gone. I get it. It’s weird. She was full term, but she never lived outside of me.”

“She was alive, though, Kendall.” Juliet rises and puts her hand on my shoulder.

I nod. “The association is so happy that it makes me appalled at what he’s become. I can’t replace the Adam association.” I shrug, and fall into Juliet’s embrace. “You ask me if I want to fix my marriage to Adam, and the answer is no.” She pulls back to look at me in my eyes. I go on, “Because I want him to be the association and he will never be with me in his life. I’m not the right person for him. I never was.”

“Jesus. If you know this, why are you still here?”

“I don’t know how to move on.” I wipe under my eyes, and Juliet releases me. I slide the urn back into the box and hide it in the closet.

“Because if you leave him you’re leaving her?” Juliet nods at the closet. Noel.

“Adam is a man who sees something through. It’s how he was raised. To not give up on something. Once you make a decision you stick with it. Through sickness and through health.”

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