Page 17 of Lust in Translation

He taps his head, wincing. “Your head, too?”

“I don’t think it hit the headboard once,” I proclaim. Drying my hands off with a hand towel. “My thoughts are okay, too, Adam.” I meet his eyes in the mirror. “That was great.” I force a smile. “We’ve come so far.”

He agrees with me, and then recaps the whole escapade like I wasn’t a part of it. I kind of wasn’t, so it’s good to have the play by play when we dissect it at our next appointment. He grabs me by the waist and pulls me against his chest. He kisses the side of my head and leaves the bathroom with a skip in his step. He’s oblivious. I just solved all our marital problems, in his eyes, by having sex with him. I shake my head as I pull on my jeans, and all of the layers of clothing I’ll need for a Cape Cod night.

I pull a beanie over my head before exiting the room. Adam wishes me a nice time with my friend at the bog and retreats to his office to finish up some work. It’s shocking how easily his fears were silenced. As long as I live, I know I will never understand men and the way their brains work. Just as well because that means Adam will never understand me and how little what I just did meant.

I have to use my GPS to get to the bog as I’ve never been to this particular one. It’s only a fifteen-minute drive. I see a lone truck parked off to the side as I round the curved turn on the one-lane road. I park next to it and hop out of my car, steeling myself for the bitter cold on my face. “Simmons,” he barks, and I realize he’s in his truck bed. I pop my head over the edge and see him lying down on a blanket.

“You should do this in summer,” I say. Rounding the corner. “Definitely isn’t the muggy heat of our beach talks,” I add, hiking my leg up to climb in. Sitting next to him, I look over at the expanse of the bog. They have already finished harvesting this year, so it looks like a big old lake. In the summer and late fall it is filled with cranberries and a beautiful red color. It’s been super cold, so it’s frozen over and sort of loses a bit of the charm I loved so well from earlier in the year.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” he says, his breath blowing smoke into the air between us. The heat spreads across my face, and a familiar tingle slides up my spine. Confirmation that I do not feel this with Adam. Not in any way, shape, or form.Maybe if you tried to enjoy sex you’d feel differently,my subconscious whispers.Not the same,I think.

“What errands did you have today?” I ask, turning back to look at his face. “Better make it a good story, I had to have sex with my husband to get out here tonight,” I say it jokingly, but when Leo meets my gaze, I realize how messed up it sounds. His face is aghast in horror.

“What?” Leo sits up, frame towering over me. Protective.

I shake my head. “Nope. Tonight I want to talk about you. And Natalia. Not my messed-up life.”

“You can’t say stuff like that and expect not to explain your words.”

I shrug. “It was just an act. I think he feels threatened that we’re sort of picking our friendship up where we left off. Just reminded him I’m married to him and he doesn’t have anything to worry about. It was going to happen sooner or later. Might as well be now.”When I’m trying to throw him off my track.

“You do know I come out here by myself all the time and I’m okay? You didn’t have to do anything you didn’t want to on my account. I’ll talk to him. Let him know we’re just friends,” he says the last two words like it’s a joke, and I can’t help but recognize that my face is flaming in the middle of this icy tundra. I rub my gloves together and do my best, unperturbed woman routine.

I wave him off. “It’s fine. He gets it now. How easily convinced you men are.”

“You fuck him and he thinks you’re his?”

Him saying the word fuck sends shockwaves to the place they should have been forty-five minutes ago. “I’m married to him. That’s how it works. All I keep hearing during this healing process is give and take. I gave.”

“Sex wouldn’t convince me of anything,” he says, putting an arm around my shoulders. A gesture I need because I feel like I’m unraveling at warp speed right now. Nothing makes sense. “I never subscribed to the give-and-take bullshit. Someone always gives more. There’s imbalance in that phrase. Tell me exactly what we’re exchanging. That’s the key to success.” More obscene truth I wish I could discredit.

Sighing, I shake my head and decide to ignore the truth and comment on his first statement. “Good to know you’re not a caveman,” I deadpan. “Adam isn’t either. He’s grasping at straws right now. I can’t blame him.”

“Kendall,” Leo whispers, warm breath on my cheek. I turn to meet his gaze. “I don’t want to think about you fucking him anymore. Talk about something else.”

I swallow hard. He said fuck again. I nod. “Tell me about your errand.”

“Well, I’d rather not talk about that either.”

“Are you also a spy?” My voice is loud and I let out a laugh when I hear the sarcasm in his grunt.

“You shouldn’t talk like that,” he says, and my stomach lurches. The reminder of the world we live in these days.

I cover my mouth with a gloved hand and meet his eyes. His brown eyes are twinkling with mirth. “Kidding. It’s probably safe to talk about whatever you want out here.”

“Jerk,” I say. “Where are your parents now?”

“I’d rather not talk about them either. They’re okay. Just living their own lives completely different than the ones I’m familiar with. They left Natalia here. I still can’t believe that, but whatever.”

Hard conversations. Isn’t that what I crave? Because they aren’t mine. This pain doesn’t belong to me. “You realize she’s not here, right? You can’t tether yourself to a gravestone. She lives in your memories.”

Leo looks at me. “You give solid advice you don’t take yourself. You know that, right?” He mimics my voice.

Tilting my head back, I laugh. Warmth floods my body. “That’s how it works. I’m really smart when it comes to helping other people, it seems. I can’t fix myself, though.”

Leo clears his throat, and lets his gaze flick over my face. From close proximity, I see every line and freckle on his face. “Say I take your advice and leave this place. Then will you miss me?”

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