Page 52 of Tossing It

“I think I never wanted them because I hadn’t met the right person. Then I met you, and got to know you, and fell in love with you and my desire for you outweighed my desire for a family so I went with it.” When she doesn’t look at me, I say, “Malena.”

She looks at me. “I love you,” I confess. “Truly and wholly in every single way it’s possible to love another individual. The real kind of love that puts the rest of the world to shame.”

Her tear streaked face is unbearably sad. “I said goodbye to you nine months ago in an email and then again yesterday as I cried over your bed.”

“Don’t say that,” I return.

She heaves a sigh and stands from the bed. A coldness replaces her warmth and my stomach pangs in unease. “Here’s the thing. I’m going to bring Luna in here to meet you and I want you to have a relationship with her if you want to, but that needs to come first. Before anything between us. You can decide after a bit of time if you’re all in, or not. I won’t fault you if you decide to walk. I’d never fault you, regardless of what you say you want. We’re a package deal, Luna and I, and I need to make sure you’re all in, Leif. Luna deserves a father that…stays.”

I open my mouth to argue, but she holds up a palm and shakes her head. “Don’t say anything. I’ll be right back.”

“Hey, don’t silence me,” I shout. The tone of my voice is shockingly loud—demanding. Malena jumps. “If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m a fighter. I fight for the things I want. I fight to remedy the things I’ve fucked up. I may have screwed us up, but I’m prepared to fight for you, for Luna, even if I die trying.” Looking around the room, I send a pointed message. “I’m a scrappy motherfucker and I have nothing to lose. Gotta’ watch out for men like me, Malena.” She sets her hands on her hips, licking her lips. “You need to know right now. That I’m all fucking in. All in. Before I lay eyes on the baby. Before you walk out that door not knowing where I stand, wondering if I’m going to leave you like he did.” I shake my head. “I’ll never leave you.”

Malena cries, a sob escaping her throat.

“I amall in,” I repeat, grinding my teeth on the last syllable. “There’s no wishy-washy shit from me. I know what I want.”

Without saying another word, she walks up to my bedside and kisses my lips. Once, a lingering hold with her mouth parted just enough to let me taste her. “I love you, too.” Her words heal more than any pills or medicines doctors can prescribe ever will. “So much,” she adds.

When I’ve finally worked my arms up and around her waist, she pulls away. “I’ll be right back.”

While she’s gone, I relish the taste of her sweetness on my lips. I’m lost in thought minutes later when Malena comes in carrying our sleeping bundle wrapped in pink blankets. The room tilts, and my stomach feels as if a flock of birds are flapping inside of it. This isn’t a moment you can ever prepare yourself for. Definitely not in my circumstance, but not in any circumstance really. Meeting your child for the first time. A human being you helped create. If you’re lucky, a tiny, perfect person, made out of love. Without saying a word, Malena leans down and sets the baby into my waiting arms.

At first, I’m shocked at how small she feels, but one look at her face erases everything else. I’m transfixed by her tiny features and golden locks. She looks like something from a storybook. Luna sighs a long sigh and blinks her eyes, fighting to keep them open long enough to see who is holding her. “Hi baby girl,” I say when her gaze locks on mine. “I’m your daddy.” The word doesn’t stick in the back of my throat like a taboo, no, it comes out naturally. The first words I have spoken that don’t pain me in any way.

“I don’t look like much now, but I’m going to get better and we’re going to take on the world together. With your mama,” I rasp, looking up at Malena. She has tears pouring down her face. The strongest sense to love and protect rears, stemming from my heart and blooming outward. Everything in my power, and with everything I am, I will protect them. My eyes water, watching the woman I love. “Well done, Malena Winterset,” I proclaim. “Job well done.”

She laughs through tears. “Yeah,” she says, nodding. “I know.”

The baby coos and I glance down at her squirming, warm form. “I’m never going to be able to repay you for this, Malena. For her. For giving me this precious gift.”

“I think you can,” Malena replies. “Get better.”

“Then what?”

Folding her arms across her chest, she tilts her head to the side. “Then you come home. To Bronze Bay.”

“What after that?” I widen my eyes.

Malena pauses, a comfortable silence, our gazes locked in challenge. “I haven’t worked that out yet. Do you have any opinions on the matter?”

I nod. “I never want to be away from you,” I say. “Or her.” Peeling back the blanket I glimpse tiny fingers and ten little toes. “So that means only one thing.”

“It means a few things,” Malena teases. “But what did you have in mind specifically?”

“You have to marry me. Obviously. And stay with me forever. And ever.”

Malena shakes her head, a smile playing on her lips. “You sound like a crazy person.”“A serial killer?”

“No, just crazy. One step at a time. I had to help you pee. Let’s work on getting you fully functioning before we talk about life commitments.”

“But I am committed to you. To both of you. I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you and Luna. Almost dying has a way of showing you what’s important.”

Malena tucks her hair behind her ear and sits next to me on the bed. “She doesn’t sleep all night.”

“I don’t sleep well either. Perfect.”

Luna turns her head to glimpse her mom. “I’m moody and my ass has stretch marks now.”

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