Page 37 of Tossing It

Chapter Thirteen

Leif

The loose ends tie seamlessly with Malena holding the fort back in Bronze Bay while I’m gone. I’ve given her everything she’ll need, access to my bank accounts, keys to my house, every piece of information I thought she may need. I added her to my will as the sole beneficiary last week. She doesn’t know that yet, and hopefully she’ll never have to know. She would have freaked. There are those that get it, and then there’s everyone else. Malena is too new to the military life to understand the sacrifice quite yet. She’s getting there. I was surprised at how well she took the news of me leaving. I expected a blowout—a fight so large, I’d end up leaving without closure. Instead, she showed me her strength. Proving again without a shadow of a doubt she’s the woman for me.

Her sun-kissed body is sprawled in my white sheets, one leg out, her skin glowing in the early sunlight. I won’t wake her. That would be too hard, too costly a mistake for a man trying to leave everything behind. My mind needs to be clear, eye on the prize. Finishing this fucking war and getting back to my life. For the first time in my life, I get it. I understand how much another person can mean. Why I’m fighting so fucking hard. I realize what life is truly about.

I swallow hard as I gaze down at her chest rising and falling softly. Her eyelashes flutter and a smile creeps to one corner of her mouth. I wonder if she’s dreaming of me, thinking of us. Will she remember me? How my touch causes an immediate reaction? What it feels like when I’m deep inside her? How quickly will those new memories fade into distant memories? I shudder. A painful realization. Her life will go on without me and I have to take it on her word that she’ll be here when I return. If I return.

I didn’t tell her how dangerous this year would be for me. A no-fail mission means I’m willing to go down with the ship to make sure this ends successfully. I’d give up my life to make sure she’s safe. Forever. Saying goodbye to my parents and sisters was easy. They’re used to this. It’s an old hat gesture to send me away. I think they knew it would be hard for me to bid Malena farewell and let me off easy with a quick breakfast sendoff last weekend. Celia promises to continue to make sure Ms. Winterset is doing well, and Eva deems herself responsible for keeping Malena occupied. I tell her that’s not necessary, but I know she will do what she wants regardless of what I say.

All of these months of dating and I’ve never given Malena any sort of significant gift. Nothing tangible to remember me by. I found a ring last week at the only jewelry store in town, a pawn shop, it made me think of her. It can mean whatever she wants it to mean, and the fluidity in that makes me happy and terrifies me at the same time. I want to keep her. Forever. The ring is simple, a gold band with tiny diamonds sprinkled into it with no real pattern. It reminded me of little clusters of stars in the sky and what they look like during a jump at night. The guy behind the counter asked if I needed it engraved and I didn’t have much time to think of what I wanted but decided on the first thing that came to mind:You are my night sky.

I have to go or else I’ll be late for the flight and I don’t want to be the asshole holding up a plane. Usually that’s Aidan because he’s been out all night fucking. He’s coming with me for this mission. I set the ring and a letter on the nightstand. With a pain deep in my chest and tears threatening, I turn from the room and exit my house, locking the door behind me.

Mr. Olsen is out in his chair. When he spies the big bag I have slung over one shoulder, he nods at it. “Gone for a while?”

Sighing out the pain, I nod. “Yeah. Too long.”

He smiles, a twinkle in his eye. We both know he will be gone before I return. “I’ll see you when I see you. Get them assholes, son. Get ‘em.”

“I intend to, sir.”

Mr. Olsen nods to the door, his pallid face and gaunt eyes on display in an errant ray of sun. “She’s a good one. Better come back for her.”

“I intend to do that as well,” I reply. “Take care of yourself. Malena will help you out. Don’t be afraid to ask her for anything you need. Eva and Celia, too. Anything. You hear me?”

“As long as you aren’t afraid to ask for what you want,” he replies.

It’s a loaded statement. “I’m not afraid of anything. You know that.” I grin.

“Everyone is afraid of something, even big muscled SEALs. If I can give you one piece of advice before I go,” he says. We both know he said I instead of you, and it stings. The bite of death knocking when you have no control. I nod. “Nothing is more important than family. I lost mine and I thank God I got the cancer so I can be with them sooner.” He looks up to the sky and it’s a revelation. A fucking pang resonates because I know he’s right, and maybe no one has said it before, or I didn’t listen. “Everything in this life is fleeting. Make sure you use the time wisely, son.”

I agree, give him a hug, and make sure he has phone numbers for anyone who I think may help him if need be. I’m feeling like a morose asshole when Aidan picks me up. He makes a sex joke, but catches onto my bad mood right away and shuts the fuck up. Should I have said goodbye? Should I have turned down this mission? I’m not even sure it would have been an option. I know the most about the target, this is basically my mission now. Aidan parks at the airport and we grab our bags from the back of his truck. One of the other guys will grab his truck and store it for the time we’re away. Our plane is waiting and ready as we approach.

We board, take off into the morning sun, and circle around to the west. I hate everything about it. I keep my eyes peeled for my house from the air, but by that time we’re too high up to see people. Just shapes. The shape of my roof. The shape of the ocean, the bay. The shape of my fucking heart vanishing beneath me.

I throw up into a barf bag.

Aidan chuckles, but I merely shake my head, still in no mood for his bullshit. I open my computer and start working, start scouring the reports and my emails for new information. I begin talking to the SEALs on the west coast. This is war.

And it’s my job to finish it.

______________

It’s been two months and it’s a constant stream of work and meetings. We’re on the large San Diego SEAL compound so we have all of our training facilities at our beck and call. In between planning, we’re shooting and working out, honing the skills that may have been pushed to the back burner while in Bronze Bay. It’s a whole different world here. One that I’d forgotten. The breakneck pace. The falling into bed at night so tired I’m not sure if I pass out or fall asleep. My limbs are sore and my arms are full of holes from the doctors poking and prodding to make sure I’m in top-notch condition. My body is in fine shape compared to my emotions. I fucking miss Malena so much it’s hard to talk to her on the phone. When I hear her voice, I want her.

Wanting her turns into a haunting reminder of everything I won’t have for an entire year. I tried to be honest. Tried to tell her talking to her makes everything more difficult, but she said I need to get freaking used to it. I won’t, but I’ll pretend for her benefit. She is busy with her work and friends and seems to be doing well. It’s all so superficial. Not like those deep thought provoking conversations we’d have when we were together, lying naked in bed, staring at the ceiling, together. The quiet, poignant moments are gone and in their place are conversations about weather and Bronze Bay gossip. It would be horrifying if it wasn’t Malena. But it’s her, so I gobble up every single syllable she utters, harboring the desperation deep within.

She emails me once a day and tells me everything. Some days she’ll attach photos of us. Other days it’s photos of her and her friends at the beach. It’s strange to feel homesick for a place that was never truly my home. I have learned that home is a person. Home is Malena. Home isn’t where I’m at. I try to email her back, but my schedule and the time difference makes everything that much harder. She’ll stay up late some nights so we can video chat, and I’ll wake up early other days when I don’t have meetings or obligations, but it doesn’t happen very often.

I have a secure phone line and safe internet access that blocks out everyone who isn’t on an approved list. My inbox has a few new emails. Two brand new from Malena, one from Garden Breeze, and one from Eva. I don’t have time to check them right now because I’m due in the office for a meeting and then a workout. My body has already transformed back into the peak machine it was before my life slowed down. My nutrition is monitored and my daily workouts tailored for my body. There are cryo tanks that soak our bodies to help our muscles recover faster, and hundreds of highly trained support staff on hand for any desire or concern. A lot of distractions on top of the main facets of tracking killers.

“You ready?” Aidan pops his head into my room without knocking. We have nice quarters on base—a house we share. Our schedules are so busy we rarely see each other at home except for early mornings before the full day begins.

With the mouse hovering over Malena’s email, I close the laptop and ask him if he wants a banana instead. I toss him one and we head out, locking the door behind us. “You have your workout first today?” he asks.

I shake my head. “Meeting, then workout. Then I have to go take a piss test,” I tell him.

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