Page 44 of Tossing It

Chapter Sixteen

Malena

Nine months later . . .

She died on a Friday. About a week after I broke up with Leif. Of complications brought forth by the pneumonia. I buried her in a plot next to the Baptist church. The whole town showed up for the funeral. After she passed, I moved in with my cousin Amber, I always knew she would be there for me when it mattered. It was mostly so I could stay out of the Bronze Bay limelight when my pregnancy finally started showing. And so I wouldn’t have to be alone all the time. I worked in Amber’s coffee shop and kept up with my business as best I could. My friends eventually found out about the pregnancy, but I still stayed away, unable to shake the memories of my hometown. Of my mom. Of Leif.

Leif sent me an email with photos of Dylan and I attached. I still don’t know who I have to thank for the images, but they were the perfect excuse to make an easy break. When he questioned the photos, I told him the biggest lie of my life. That I was in love with another man, my ex-husband, and never wanted to see him again. I wrote the email and nearly hyperventilated moments after I hit send. Leif never tried to contact me after that and I still feel guilty for letting him believe the absolute worst of me after everything he did for my mother.

I lost my mom long before she was buried. I grieved the memories shared ages ago. When she passed away, it was merely the last step of saying goodbye to the vessel that used to house my mother. It was closure. In a way, it was the beginning of a completely new life.

After the baby arrived, I moved back to Bronze Bay, mainly because I needed more space for all of the baby gear and supplies. She has taken over my world almost completely. My heart was hers from the second she blinked her bright blue eyes, the same shade as her dad. She has a darker skin tone, like me, but her hair is a light blonde to compliment her eyes. She is beautiful and healthy. Everything I never knew I needed. When I first looked at her, a desperate sadness took over—reminding me of the love lost, that I’ll never have again. It didn’t take long for me to realize how blessed I am to have living breathing proof that such a thing even exists.

Her name is Luna Winterset, and she changed everything. It’s hard single parenting. It’s lonely. Every tear and late night is worth it. Loving her is as natural as breathing. Caring for her gives my life a new purpose.

Shirley is cradling Luna on the sofa. I called her to come over so I can clean out my mom’s room. It’s time. Luna will need a larger room soon, and I’ve been avoiding the heartache for as long as I can. I push open the bedroom door and I’m hit with the scent of my mother. A mix of flowers and laundry soap. It’s tinged with a musty, uncleaned scent, but she’s still in here. My skin pricks. Rubbing my arms, I enter and head for her bed where a sealed, cardboard box sits unopened. A package Garden Breeze mailed after cleaning out her room. With the razor blade clutched in one hand, I slide it across the tape and open the box. Her robe is on top. I toss it and a few nightgowns into an empty laundry basket. There’s a couple vases, the photo albums I brought her, and tucked into the side, is her notebook.

I grab that, interested in any words she might have scribbled down, but not expecting much. There’s a sealed envelope, my name printed on the front in my mother’s shaky handwriting. It’s crumpled, almost as if it was thrown away on accident. I feel my heartbeat in my neck as I slide my finger under the flap to open it. My eyes blur with tears when I see a page filled with words. For me. Luna squeals a contented coo as Shirley sings a funny song. With my daughter’s voice in my ears, I read my mother’s note. It’s dated a couple weeks after she settled into Garden Breeze.

Malena, my sweet baby love,

Thank you for this. For this place. With the garden and the intelligent doctors who help me. They are kind. As kind as you were all of these years to care for me. Thank you for those years, baby. I don’t know how long I’ll remember this, and it gets a little spottier each time, but this time you are the only person that stands out clearly. You must miss me. You must feel so alone in this world. Malena, I must write quickly, as fast as I can, because I need you to know that you don’t have to be alone, that a man loves you so severely that hearing him speak of you gave me this flash of clarity. It stung me on a soul level, forced me to remember what true love feels like. Leif came to visit me today and although he kept saying he knew I wouldn’t remember, and I’m sure that’s why he said the things he did, and why he told me of his feelings for you. He said that when you smile, it brings meaning to his life. Leif wants to be with you forever. He said that you are the only person in the world that his heart will ever belong to. Baby, the way he spoke of you, his heart is yours. I hope that your heart is his. You’ll never be alone if you have a love like that. A partner. A lover. If I don’t remember in the morning, know this is what I want for you. I had it for a short time with your father, and you were born of that love. Had disease not addled my brain, I don’t doubt your father and I would still have it. Please, darling. You are worthy of so much more than you give yourself credit for. Leif said you opened his eyes to loving on a different level. He wants to have a family with you and take care of you and any future children. His words brought me such comfort, a relief that there is hope for humanity. I can only assume if you’ve created such an effect on his heart, that you have strong feelings for this man as well. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want from him. Be truthful in your love. Don’t sacrifice a life for me anymore. Don’t sacrifice love for anything.

I love you so much and I am so proud of the woman you have become. You are brave and kind. Sweet baby love, if there’s one thing I never had time to teach you it was that there are only two things you never let go of: love and yourself. Hold tight to both of those. Thank you for being there for me when you shouldn’t have had to. Watching you grow up was a great privilege. Your life, my greatest accomplishment. I love you. I’m so sorry. I love you.

Forever love,

Mom

Tears dropped onto the page, onto her words. Words I will cherish for the rest of my life. Truths that tear open my chest and steal my oxygen. My eyes seek out one sentence again and again.He wants to have a family with you and take care of you and any future children.How? Why wouldn’t he tell me this? He thought I couldn’t have children. Knew it wasn’t ever going to be in the cards with a relationship with me. Shaking my head, I let the rush of pain inside. I push it away most days because it makes me weak and my daughter needs a strong mother.

“You doing okay in here?” Shirley strolls in, Luna on her hip, grabbing her hair. Her gaze dips to the piece of paper shaking in my hand.

I hold it out to her but resist handing it over when she tries to grab it. “It changes everything,” I cry, taking Luna from her and hugging her to my chest. “I’ve been cruel. What have I done?” I whisper into my baby’s ear, inhaling her sweet scent. She looks at me and I have to close my eyes to banish Leif’s face.

Shirley reads the letter a few times, her eyes growing large as she finishes the third time, letting the knowledge soak in. “Fuck.”

“Language,” I bark at her. “I know,” I say in the same breath.

“What are you going to do?”

I shake my head. “I have to go to him, Shirley. I have to tell him. This letter changes everything. I’ve ruined it, I’m sure.”

“You did what you thought you had to do. For Luna. You couldn’t have kids and he didn’t want a family. You made a selfless decision, Malena. Don’t beat yourself up over this.” She holds the piece of paper up between us. The words give me comfort and tear me apart at the same time. I grab it from her and set it on the bed for later. I’ll read it a thousand times.

I swallow hard. “I have to call him. Or email him. Tell him the truth. He deserves the truth. I did what I thought would be easiest, Shirley. Not what was right,” I reply, shaking my head. “I didn’t give him the option for fear of him feeling trapped.”

Moving fast, I bypass Shirley and head for my open laptop. With his baby in my lap, I tap out a quick email asking him to call me and apologizing for not getting into contact sooner. I don’t say anything about Luna or my lies. That’s a conversation I need to have in person.

“I told you from day one he was a good guy,” Shirley says, both hands on her hips.

Narrowing my eyes, I say, “Please, now you’re going to tell me this. You agreed with not telling him about Luna.”

“I’d say anything to get my friend back, Malena. You abandoned us here when your mom died.”

Closing my eyes, I place a kiss on the baby’s head. “I had to. The gossip was easier to control when I came back and she was already here. I didn’t have to make up any stories.” I send off the email and hold my breath as I watch it leave my outbox. “His sisters,” I say.

“They haven’t been around here since he left. They cleaned out his house and helped move Mr. Olsen’s stuff out after he died, but they’re gone, Malena. Without Leif here, they had no reason to hang around.” Wincing, I remember discovering Mr. Olsen passed away and I wasn’t here to help. I was very pregnant and there was no way I could risk seeing Leif’s sisters, so I stayed away. Like a selfish, awful person.

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