Page 40 of Tossing It

“Let me know I was wrong,” he finishes, standing and backing away. “I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you. Both of you.” He takes another step away from me, his eyes shining with frustration and pain.

It confuses me even further, muddies my emotions. Shaking my head, I get into my car realizing what a lunatic I look like right now. How desperate for acceptance, that I’ve come to the one person who I thought would give it to me. “He gave it, Malena,” I whisper to myself. “You got what you came for.” I pull out of the spot and drive the fifty miles back to Bronze Bay with tears blurring my vision. I’m not even sure how I made it back home safely, forgetting the drive completely as I fall into my bed.

I twist the gold band on my right ring finger, the beautiful gift Leif gave me when he left. It’s a reminder I don’t want or need, so I pull it off and toss it across the room. I lied to my mother earlier. I’m not by myself. Nope, I have my baby, and I need to pull my shit together if I’m going to give it a beautiful life. I’ll give myself a few days to be upset and then I will rally, regardless of what happens. The world is crumbling down around me in every single direction and without a lifeline, I’ll have to do the best I can.

My cell phone rings from the dining room table. Finally. By the time alone, I know it’s Leif. I answer the video call. “Hi,” I say, my stomach tipping when I first glimpse his face. Love. Painstaking, soul-searing love.

“Hey,” he says. “I’m so sorry about your mom, Malena. I got your email. She’s going to be okay. How are you holding up? I’m so sorry I’m not there with you.” His words are sincere, so full of truth that my lying soul singes in response.

“She’s such a mess, Leif. You should hear her breathing. It rattles. Her cough,” I say, but get choked up. “I don’t want to upset you. I’m sure you have enough to worry about without adding this to your list.”

“Malena, stop. Let’s try to talk about something happy. Brighten the mood a bit,” he says, face firm, no smile. “You know I don’t mind anything that has to do with you. That includes your mother.”

“I just…miss you,” I say, crying. It’s not pretty, it’s jagged and steals my breath. “I wish you were here to hug me.”

“I’d do a lot more than hug you if I were there,” he counters, his lips tipping up in the corner. “Time is flying by. I’ll be home before you know it.” I want to tell him right now. He can make plans to stay in San Diego where he’s happy and unhindered, but my pride won’t let me quite yet.

“Listen, I wanted to call you to tell you I love you and that your mom is going to be okay. Eva emailed me today and told me I needed to call her as soon as I got her note and it’s late, and I want to give her a call and make sure everything is okay before it gets even later. I will call you tomorrow.” My heart sinks. “That’s fine. I love you too.”

“Chin up,” he says. “Better yet, tits out.”

I laugh, shaking my head. “I’m not in the mood for that right now.”

“Fine. Fine. Malena?”

“Yeah?”

“Look out the window.” I wander to the front door and open it up as far as it will go. The wind has picked up and it blows a sprinkling of rain around. “You’re my night sky, baby.” The stars shine bright, twinkling reminders of what I’ll never have. I think about where my ring lays, over in the corner of my bedroom.

“Always,” I reply.

“Goodbye, Malena,” Leif says, then ends the call.

I stand outside, letting the little raindrops sting my skin like flying needles. The pain clears my foggy mind, and I subconsciously bring one hand to my stomach.

Goodbye, Leif,I think.

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