Page 35 of Tossing It

“Look at me,” I order, placing my hands on each of his shoulders. “You have me.” I reach between my legs and draw my hand back when it’s coated with his seed. I hold it up. “Yours,” I say, wiggling my fingers. “Always yours. Why are you acting like I’m going somewhere?”

Then it hits me. This has nothing to do with me going anywhere. My stomach sinks and my legs shake a bit. A little from my intense orgasm, but mostly from the knowledge that he’s about to tell me something I don’t want to hear. Bad news. It’s something I can sniff out. “Spit it out,” I prompt.

He finally lets his gaze flick up to meet mine. It’s pained. “I’m leaving, Malena,” he whispers. “And I shouldn’t be upset because this is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for. I’m going to get the bastard this time. But that means I have to leave you. Here. For a long time.”

I stutter, try to begin a sentence, but close my mouth and think for a few more beats. “This is your home,” I say, narrowing my eyes. “You said you weren’t moving away from here.”

He shakes his head, placing his hands on my cheeks. “I’m not moving from here. Think of this like a deployment, Malena. Back before the war, I’d go overseas for months at a time. Now I’m heading to place here in the states…and I have to be there for a while. I’ll come back. I’ll always come back to you. Here. To Bronze Bay.”

I shake my head. “How long?” In my fucked up fairytale, I think he’s going to say a few weeks. Maybe a month. I should know better.

“A year.” His voice shakes.

My eyes must look incredulous—scary, because he takes a step away from me. “It’s a lot of reconnaissance to prepare. It’s the largest mission the Teams have done yet. It might be the mission that stops the war for good. The end of it. No more attacks. No more terrorists lurking next door. Malena, you have to understand.” Leif steps toward me, reaching a hand out, but I take another step back, the sting too encompassing to let him feel it. “This is why I chose this career path. Why I’m a SEAL. This is how I make a difference. How I rationalize my life choices. We can end the war,” he repeats himself.

How do I tell him that I don’t care about the war? What about my heart? What about the promises he’s made to me? The war isn’t in Bronze Bay and maybe that makes me out of touch, but I’m not thinking clearly right now. “I understand,” I whisper.

He shakes his head, looking toward the low ceiling. “We can talk every day. Or, most days. This isn’t me saying I’ll never see you again. I’ll be back.”

I drop my head and cover my face with one hand. “A year, Leif. Do you know what happens in a year? Everything. You won’t be able to visit me? You’re not going overseas. It’s not like a real deployment. You’ll be a quick flight away.”

“No,” he says, taking my hand from my face and capturing it between both of his hands. “It’s more important than a real deployment. Once the ball gets rolling and we involve ourselves, no one in our lives will be safe. I’ll have to stay away. That said, there are ways we can communicate.” His face changes, a scowl piercing all the way to my soul. “You won’t wait for me then.” It’s not a question.

“Of course I’ll wait for you!” I yell. “That’s what makes this so bad! I’d do anything for you Leif and this is breaking my freaking heart. Sure we can communicate ,but we won’t have this,” I say, motioning between our bodies. “That’s painful. I’ve had a taste of it and I’ve fallen so madly in love with everything about you that I’m not sure what is going to be left when and if you finally do come back to Bronze Bay.”

“I’m coming back,” he states. “I love you, Malena. I. Love. You. There’s nothing that can keep me from coming back.”

I slide my panties back on and sit on the stool. “Except war. That can stop you from coming back home to me.”

I watch his neck work. He’s deciding the best way to lie to me. “I’m coming back,” he says.

“In a body bag?” I fire back. I regret it the second I say it.

He winces and looks down to the floor. “I’ll do everything in my power not to.”

I spin on the stool and look out to the water. It’s a smaller beach, with tree lines on each side of it. When I was small, my father took me here. Another memory tainted by his abandonment. “When?” I whisper.

“I leave in the morning,” Leif says.

I nod, a sardonic gesture. “A year,” I repeat, trying to wrap my brain around that time frame. It’s not a week-long business trip. It’s an ocean of time that can change so much. Hearts. Minds. Bodies. Personalities. One can change completely in a year. My mother’s mind was stolen in half a year, a little going each week. “I’ll wait,” I tell him, spinning back to face him. “You really think you can end the war?”

“I fucking hope so,” he says, voice brightening now that his bad news is out of the way. “They said this is the last line of terrorists and we’re going to attack them full on, as quickly as possible.”

I want to say a year is not a quick timeline, but I don’t want to sound like a catty woman. Supportive. That’s what I need to be. He’s done so much for me. In the big scheme of things, don’t I owe him this?

“When did you find out about this?” I ask, trying to search for the answer from his gaze.

He puts one hand behind his head, his bicep bulging at the slight motion. I try not to let it affect me, but it does remind me of how much I’m going to miss out on. “This week the wheels were spinning, but today it was confirmed. I was sort of ignoring my phone today because I wanted to tell you in person.”

“You mean you wanted to have sex with me first,” I counter.

He smirks. “That too.”

“San Diego?” I ask.

“The west coast.” It’s almost as if he’s just now realizing how far he’s going to be from me. Leif pulls on his shorts and leans against the desk. “I’m fucking scared.”

That gets my attention. “Like you said, it’s what you’ve been waiting for. Training for. You’re ready for it, Leif.” I take his hand in mine. “There’s no need to be scared.” I hope I sound like I know what I’m talking about. This is me trying to be supportive even if it destroys every shred of my heart. Because that’s what you do when you love someone. “You’re going to come back all decorated with fancy pins and ribbons. Even hotter than you were when you left.” I’ve only seen photos of Leif in full uniform and it’s almost a good thing because of how delicious he looks. Like he fell out of a fundraising calendar.

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