Page 73 of The Charming Checklist
“Ah, okay. That’s cute.” She snuggled into his arms. “And what else?”
A cold sliver of panic slid through him. He had the unnerving feeling that this was where he would ruin this. This was where he’d fail. He didn’t have the right words because face it, he didn’t watch enough romantic comedies. Right now, he neededsomething, something big like John Cusack holding the old-fashioned boom box over his head.
Words. They would be good.
“You can’t think of one thing?”
This was vaguely reminiscent of the night she’d asked him about the last spontaneous thing he’d done. But far more excruciating.
“There has to besomethingbesides liking me in bed.”
He slid a hand up and down her spine. “Sure, of course there is. You’re obviously very intelligent, Ava.”
She snorted. “Wow, thanks.Soromantic. I’m getting hot right now. I might just have to order you to take me right this minute.”
Of course, she didn’t mean a word of that, and he knew this because he wasalsointelligent.
Irritation pulsed through him. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
She blinked and he caught a flash of hurt in her green eyes. “Why do you love me?”
This felt like a trick question. He couldn’t help but think back to his damn list. Somehow, she would bring that up again. Any minute now. While he silently wished he could burn that list in a big bonfire, he would bring it up first so she couldn’t blindside him.
“You know that you weren’t what I wanted, not what I’d imagined, but this works.”
“I’m not what you wanted.” She repeated the words slowly, letting them fall around them like bombs.
“No, what I meant is...” Damn, it was supposed to sound more romantic. He reached and tried again. “You’re everything I didn’t know that I wanted.”
Okay, that seemed better, somehow. Her gaze grew a bit softer, which had to be a good sign, but then...damn it all to hell, it was softer because there were tears in her eyes.
“You don’t love me. You don’t evenknowme.”
“Of course I know you!”
“I don’t mean the surface me. You haven’t taken the time to get to know who I really am.” Her breath hitched. “You haven’t been listening.”
“Ava, just because I don’t have the right words for you, that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t real.”
“It’s not about the right words.” She pulled out of his arms. “You know what I think? I think you just wanted to fall in love because it was time. Heart, open. IRA, stocked. Your words. And all of a sudden, there I was, and the timing was right. I graduated fromPrinceton. My parents are doctors. The kiss was hot. And now, you think you can mold me into the woman from your list. Little by little.”
“No,” he said between gritted teeth. “Idon’tthink that.”
He wanted to take her shoulders and shake her. She’d been there on the night that he’d been introduced to the so-called perfect woman and he didn’t want Debbie/Dana/Darcie whatever. He wanted Ava. He’d wanted this...mess. Chosen this mess. All these uncomfortable and intense emotions that weren’t doing either of them any good. They weren’t productive. He never lost his cool because there was no point to that. But he felt dangerously close to losing his temper now, and at possibly the worst time.
He looked at her, soft and vulnerable, hurting, and for the life of him he couldn’t believe he was losing this...gift...so swiftly. But the truth was that he didn’t have anything to give her. He felt tapped out. Worthless. Love should be simpler than this.
“You can’t think ofonething you love about me.”
“It shouldn’t be this difficult. You’re making this too complicated.”
He’d never yelled at her before. He never yelled atanyone, famously known for being the last person in the room to lose his temper. Grumpy, sure, but an icicle under pressure. But oh, he yelled now, out of sheer frustration.
“I’mmaking this too complicated? You’re practically a genius. How can this be too complicated for you?”
Maybecomplicatedwasn’t the right word.Emotional.Much better word choice.Excruciating.There we go. It felt like there should be blood and guts seeping slowly out of a chest wound. It had been stupid of him to go after love with a list, but he doubted the results would have been this painful. This chaos of emotions had taken over his life. Were now running his life.
This whole idea, falling in love, had been a horrible mistake. He needed out.
