Page 99 of Lessons in Love at the Seaside Salon
Her answer to herself has been: no. It’s not greedy. She’s alive. She may be alive for many more years. Wanting to fill that life with more than emptiness is not greed. It’s human. Humans aren’t designed to be alone. It’s too hard. We need companionship. We need support. We need succour. Sol is offering that to her. Indeed, he is already giving it to her. Why shouldn’t she take it? Why is she not as deserving of it as anyone else, just because her husband died younger than they expected?
She turns back to her son. ‘If I were the one who’d died,’ she says, ‘would you think that your father should stay alone for the rest of his life?’
Dylan frowns. ‘No. Why would he?’
Such simple words and yet so much meaning tangled in them. The double standard embedded in that ‘no’. Dylan’s evident confusion that she would even ask him such a thing.
‘So why would I?’ she says.
‘It’s different.’
‘How?’
‘Men need a woman in their lives.’ He shrugs. ‘We just do.’
‘I agree. Your lives are greatly improved by having women in them. But I also think this woman needs a man in her life.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘So if you die before Annemarie, she needs to keep being alone?’
‘Of course!’
‘And if she dies, obviously you won’t stay on your own. Does she know this?’
‘She doesn’t need to.’
Trudy thinks a woman should know that. Anyone in a relationship should know how the other thinks on these matters. She and Laurie didn’t have a conversation about it because they were both pretending he wasn’t going to die, but she knew her husband well enough to say that he would want her to make themost of her life, and if that meant bringing another man into it, he wouldn’t disapprove. And he’s not here to disapprove. He’s gone. She’s been faithful to a ghost for long enough.
‘I don’t want you seeing this man, Mum. It’s not right.’
Dylan grew taller than her when he was fourteen but he was still her little boy for a long time. Perhaps even after he married, she still thought he needed her help. Then she had to learn to let him go so he could have his own family. So Annemarie wouldn’t think she was interfering. No woman wants an interfering mother-in-law. He’s not her little boy any more, though, and she doesn’t need to look after him. She needs to look after herself. And that’s the only demand she’s prepared to meet.
‘I don’t care,’ she says.
He looks startled. ‘What?’
‘I don’t care. Dylan, I love you more than anything but I can’t live my life on your terms. You don’t get to dictate my life to me. And I don’t know where you learnt to behave like that – your father never did.’
It’s true Laurie never spoke to her like this but Dylan has some rather blustery friends who probably fancy themselves kings of various castles, so he might have learnt it from them.
Dylan opens his mouth then closes it, probably because he can’t disagree with her.
‘I’m not going to fight about this,’ Trudy says. ‘You either accept that I can make decisions for myself or you don’t. I wasn’t telling you about Sol to ask for permission. I was simply telling you so you knew.’
He looks down and away. She fancies he feels chastised but he’ll never admit it.
‘Now, why don’t we spend a little longer here then you can drive me home,’ she says.
He nods, then crouches over Laurie’s grave once more. ‘Do you mind if I have a bit of time alone with Dad?’ It’s said so quietly Trudy almost doesn’t catch it.
‘Of course.’
She wanders off down the row, looking at the headstones that contain scant details of lives. Whole existences reduced to dates and names, with the occasional accompanying phrase. But no more is needed. The occupants of these graves aren’t here any more than Laurie is, so the headstones don’t need to tell their stories. Those stories are carried in the hearts of those who love them, just as she carries Laurie’s, and she always will, come what may, until she’s laid here too.
Today, though – tomorrow too, and many days after, she hopes – she has a life to live. And no more time to waste.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
