Page 11 of Lessons in Love at the Seaside Salon
CHAPTER SIX
‘Thank you for picking me up,’ Anna’s mother, Ingrid, says as she pulls her seatbelt across and clicks it in. ‘You’re welcome.’ Anna glances across. ‘I like what you’re wearing.’
Ingrid smiles in an insincere way and Anna grits her teeth. Her mother loves clothes as much as she loves going to the hairdresser, and Anna is interested in neither. Presumably the insincere smile is Ingrid’s way of saying that she doesn’t trust in anything Anna has to say about her attire. She’s quite happy to get a lift to the Seaside Salon, though.
For as long as Anna can remember, Ingrid has had her hair done properly once a week. Even when they didn’t have the money for it, while Anna was growing up, and she’s always tried to figure out why her mother would spend money on something that seems frivolous. Ingrid has lived through austere times – which is what most of the first half of the twentieth century was – and she’s always been cautious about money. The only clue Anna had was when she was thirteen and Ingrid told her that self-respect is priceless and any steps we can take toward making ourselves feel better are worth taking, no matter the cost.
Now Ingrid puts aside money from her pension to go to Trudy in Terrigal; she started seeing her after her last hairdresser retired. The ladies from Ingrid’s VIEW club like Trudy, who lets them smoke and makes them as many coffees as they want and doesn’t argue when they ask for three sugars, and has the ScotchFingers at the ready along with a reminder to not tell their doctors that they’re eating them.
It’s funny, Anna thinks, because Trudy is clearly a responsible businesswoman who’s been successfully keeping the salon going for decades, but she acts like a wayward teenager. Or maybe that’s just for the VIEW club ladies. Anna wouldn’t know what Trudy is like the rest of the time because she doesn’t go to the salon otherwise. She cuts her own hair, washes it with the cheapest shampoo she can find, and conditions it when she remembers. It’s unremarkable hair – limply straight, dun in colour – so there’s no point trying harder. Although she imagines Trudy would say that’s exactly why sheshouldtry harder, try to make more of what nature has given her.
Trudy herself has a thick, layered bob and she’s always dressed plainly but smartly. Usually in black – ‘It hides everything,’ she told Anna once, with a wink. Anna thought maybe it was a hint that Anna had things to hide but she also knew she could be paranoid sometimes, which is what happens when you have a mother who is far more glamorous than you will ever be and you grow up convinced you’re never going to measure up and that everyone is looking at her then looking at you and wondering how on earth you can be related.
In other words: she learnt young to hide everything, especially her feelings, and also any ambitions she had to be glamorous because as much as she loves her mother – and Anna has always been as close as you can be to a woman whom you think is secretly judging you for not living up to her standards – she resents her too. Not all the time. Always on the hairdresser visits, though, because that’s when Ingrid looks the most done.
So Anna doesn’t need to wear black to hide anything. She’s already great at hiding.
She likes bringing Ingrid to her hair appointments, however, because they have a regular time to see each other and theychat in the car. Ingrid has no idea Anna resents her and Anna is determined she will never know, so taking her to the Seaside Salon each week is a good opportunity to show, at least, some piety.
While Ingrid gets her hair done Anna talks to the other ladies and even though she has never seen these catch-ups as a way of getting sewing business, it’s come her way. Baby clothes for grandchildren, a blouse here, a granddaughter’s formal dress there. Over the four years Anna’s been coming to the Seaside Salon with her mother her business has increased. Which is what enabled her to feel she could manage on her own, financially, after she told Gary to leave last week.
Today is the first time she’s seen Ingrid since. When she called to tell her what had happened her mother sounded unsurprised. At least she didn’t sound glad.
‘How are the children?’ Ingrid asks as Anna drives the quiet streets. It’s past the hour when school starts, and the peak-traffic period around the Coast has gone with it.
‘They’re fine. The same.’
‘Without their father there?’
‘Yes.’
Ingrid sniffs. Anna knows that sniff.
‘What, Mama?’
‘I know the man has been neglectful in some ways but he has supported the household.’
Anna clenches her jaw. ‘Financially, you mean.’
‘Mm.’
Anna is about to say that if financial support was all she needed she’d have tried harder to win Lotto, but she stops herself. Because – and it’s occurred to her before – her mother has lived for decades with the consequences of having a husband who was not able to support the family financially.
When Anna was eleven years old her father dove into a swimming pool and broke his back. He never walked again. Their family life changed forever, as it had to, and it changed most for Anna and her mother. Anna’s two brothers, both older than her, were allowed to carry on. Ingrid made sure they went to their sport on the weekends and saw their friends. They were allowed to study in the garden shed so that they had uninterrupted time. Anna had to come home after school each day and help her parents. Because her father couldn’t work any more, her mother went back to working all the time. She was a nurse before she married and back to nursing she went, taking the shifts she could fit in during afternoons and evenings so that Anna could be on duty with her father. Sometimes she’d work on weekends, but if she did it never affected her ability to take the boys to sport.
Some days, the resentment Anna possessed toward her father and her brothers would press against the backs of her eyes, making it feel as though they were going to pop out. It was an odd sensation. Then again, she always felt herself to be odd. The odd girl out. The girl who had no time for ballet or netball or swimming or any of the activities the other girls at school would pursue. She had friends during school hours but not outside, because she could never go anywhere, never have anyone over to her house.
There was always housework. She learnt to cook at twelve. Her brothers would put in their orders after her mother left for work. How Anna hated that. Being at their beck and call. And now one lives in Hong Kong and one in Melbourne and her mother tells everyone how wonderful they are. How successful.Because of me, Anna wants to say.Because I looked after them so they could study and do well.
It took her far too long to realise she had replicated the situation with Gary. She felt stupid once she did. Ashamed thatshe hadn’t picked it up earlier. Embarrassed for her lack of self-awareness. No doubt that’s part of why she kicked him out – to cover her embarrassment – which isn’t noble but it’s real. But, also, he didn’t have to take advantage of her like that. Couldn’t he see she needed him for more than money?
Yes, okay, it didn’t make entirely logical sense to feel she couldn’t cope with him being gone all the time and now he’sreallygone all the time, but at least she doesn’t have to worry about it any more. Doesn’t have to keep calling him, asking when he’ll be home. Come up with excuses to the kids as to why their father couldn’t make this or that school or sport thing. It’s the worry she’s free from, and it was a bigger burden than she’d realised.
‘Am I not allowed to say that?’ Ingrid says when Anna stays silent.
Anna doesn’t want to upset Ingrid. She loves her mother, which is why she never says all the things she has bottled up from the past. She understands Ingrid had been formed by her experiences and that it’s not for Anna to judge them. Even if sometimes she thinks of telling her mother to get lost the way she told Gary to. But she knows if her mother weren’t in her life she’d still love her, so it makes sense not to tell her to go away.
Thus she keeps focusing on that love, looping around her filial duties, balancing the weight of what she needs and wants, and what she feels she owes her mother. What she wants to give her because that’s the nature of love: wanting to give to those you care for. It’s why she’s pulling up outside the Seaside Salon right now, taking her mother for her regular appointment, waiting patiently for her, even though the salon is of little interest to her.
