Page 21 of Cartel Viper
“Do you know what you want?”
I’m too chicken shit to admit it without a better idea of whether she might want anything similar.
“Yeah, I do. And I’m not afraid to admit it includes you. I’ve been thinking about you nonstop too. I had a massive crush on you for years, so some of that has come back up. You’re not a boy anymore, and I’m definitely not that girl by a long shot. You’re right that I want a partner. There are a lot of days when it’s hard to remember I deserve anything good. I’m pretty fucking damaged right now, Javi. I’m a hot mess without a home or a job. You don’t need a second woman in your life without a place of her own.”
“Those are entirely separate situations that aren’t alike. I don’t want to be your rebound.”
“A rebound only happens when there’s enough air in the ball to bounce. I feel utterly deflated. At least, I do when I’m not around you. Last night… Now… It’s different. I feel like my old self when I’m around you. But I don’t know that I can handle much more than just breathing.”
“Then I’ll wait until you know.”
Chapter Six
Maddy
Oh. My. God.
First, it was that kiss. My stomach’s still in knots, and my pussy aches like crazy. It’s taking all my resolve not to look at his dick while I wonder what it would feel like to have it inside me. I spent hours wondering that in high school and the first couple years of college. I’ve been wondering it for the past week. Now, I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering it.
Second, it’s knowing he was and is interested in me too. Shut the fucking front door. I thought he looked at me like a kid sister, and that’s why he insisted upon watching out for me. Like a silent favor to Pablo and his family.
Third, I want what he’s talking about. What he could offer. But what if I’m so fucking broken I don’t know how to be a proper girlfriend anymore? What if I’m too weak now to be a partner to a man like Javi?
Fourth, Drew.
But, God, how I want what he’s offering. I just want to say yes.
“Maddy, I’m sorry. All I’ve done is push too hard since last night.”
“What? No! I’m thinking not retreating. Your family might be all right with me, but you weren’t wrong about Maks’s. Being anywhere near me puts you in even more danger with all of them than I can guess you already live with.”
Not to mention what Drew would do if he ever found out. He’s in the syndicate pee wee league compared to Javier. But that wouldn’t stop him. The man is not right in the head.
I should tell Javi the truth. All of it. Come clean and even let him help me. Some of it is pride. I don’t want to admit how weak I’ve been. There’s so much shit I did that I’m not proud of just to keep the peace with Drew. Some of it is fear one of them will explode. Javi and Drew are both powder kegs, and there are way too many fuses around them. I don’t want any harm to come to Javi. It’s part of the reason I didn’t want him to know anything about what’s going on. I don’t want to be the reason for something bad happening.
“Chiquita, give me two days to end things with her. Let me be truly available to you. Then think about what you do or don’t want. I’ll wait.”
“I’ve thought about it nonstop. I told you that. But there’s so much standing in our way. Our families won’t approve.”
“Your family won’t.”
What more can I do but nod? It’s true.
“You also don’t want to tell me the truth. If you agreed to be with me, you know you’d have to. You know I wouldn’t settle for any less, and your conscience wouldn’t let you keep it from me. Whatever happened, you don’t trust me enough to tell me. You don’t know me well enough as I am now.”
“Javi, I think I trust you pretty fucking implicitly to be sitting in a car in a nearly deserted park with you.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. You know I won’t physically harm you. You know I won’t kidnap you. You can imagine a sliver of what I would do to protect you from either of those things.”
A sliver?
I know he’s in the Cartel. I know what that means. I did before I met Drew, and I have a better fucking clue now. But I also know Javi and his brothers saw shit while growing up in Bogotá that they never should have. Not as adults and certainly not as young children. I probably can only imagine a sliver of what he’s capable of.
Thinking about Drew doing those sorts of things used to make me want to retch. It disgusted me and tormented me. With Javi, it reassures me. What kind of sick fuck does that make me?
One who can rationalize why it’s fine for Javi to be a torturing criminal and still want to curl into his arms while I wanted to slash Drew’s throat once I found out.
He cups my face, and I meet his gaze. His eyes might be the shade of milk chocolate, but I’m the one who wants to melt into a puddle when he looks at me like he is now.
