Page 80 of Moonlight Feels Right
"Sometimes, but I haven't had one in several weeks now. They've definitely diminished over time."
"What about flashbacks? Does anything trigger memories of that night in your daily life?"
"No. I've never experienced that."
"When you have had a nightmare, what was happening in your dream?"
"It was usually about the crash, the knowledge that Gary was dead, and I was not."
"I understand he was a very good friend of yours, not just another team member."
"He was my closest friend, but I would have felt the same about any of my team members. I was the lead. It was on me to get everyone back safely, and I failed."
"But as you mentioned earlier, it was determined that the intelligence was wrong. So, don't you blame those responsible for that?"
"Sure. I definitely blame whoever screwed that up. I don't know who it was or if it was more than one person, but it was a mistake that cost my friend his life."
"Would you say you still have anger about that?"
"At times," he admitted. "But less and less each day."
"Why is the anger diminishing?"
"Because I've stopped focusing only on myself. I've been taking care of my friend's daughter. His wife and child have also been suffering his loss. His six-year-old kid has really helped pull me out of my funk. She has reminded me of the good times with her father, and now when I think about Gary, I don't see him dying; I see him living. And while there's still grief for his loss, I've been able to let go of the guilt and the anger because life goes on, and I want to be there for his widow, for his kid, and for the other people in my life. I can't change what happened, as much as I want to. So, I've accepted it, and I'm looking forward, not back."
She made some notes on her tablet, then said, "If you were cleared to fly tomorrow, how would you feel about getting in the cockpit?"
"I'd feel like I was home. I've always loved to fly. That hasn't changed."
"How can you be sure it hasn't changed?"
"I guess I can't be completely sure until I get behind the controls, but I don't have any fear of flying."
"What about fear of being shot at again?"
He gave the question consideration. "That's not something I worry about. It might never happen again, and if it did, I would deal with it in the moment as I've been trained to do. I know the risks of my job, and nothing that's happened has changed my willingness to take those risks. If I didn't think I was mentally fit to get back in the cockpit and put others' lives in my hands, I wouldn't do it. I would never put anyone else in jeopardy. Nothing is more important than a leader with a clear head."
"One last question, Captain Kane. If the review board doesn't clear you for flight duty, what then?"
"I..." He paused for a moment. "I don't know. The Corps has been my whole adult life. Flying has been...everything." He thought about it further. "But I'm starting to see that there might be more to life than what I do for a living. I'd find a way forward, even if it's not the path I expected. But that's not the result I'm hoping for."
Dr. Chen studied him for a long moment, then set the tablet aside. "Thank you for your candor today, Captain. You've demonstrated significant self-awareness and acknowledgment of the challenges you've been facing." She smiled. "There's also nothing like a six-year-old to take your mind off your own problems. I know. I have one of those at home. I'm glad that in helping this little girl with the loss of her father, you've been able to deal with the loss of your friend. That said, trauma recovery isn't linear. You may still have setbacks, and it's important to address them when they arise."
"I understand. My father suffered from PTSD, and I know the importance of working on my mental health as well as my physical health. Is there anything else?"
"No. I'm going to recommend you move forward in the review process. I don't see any red flags, but as you mentioned yourself, getting back in a helicopter will tell you more about how you actually feel than any conversation we might have. I would encourage you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about any emotions you might have, because you have a very stressful job, and you're going to need to be at the top of your game to do it well."
"I'm very aware of that," he assured her.
She got to her feet. "Then I wish you luck, Captain."
"Thank you."
As he left the medical center and stepped into the bright California sunshine, he felt lighter than he had in months. He'd thought it would be a lot more difficult to talk about Gary, to relive the accident, but he realized now that all the nightmares, all the months of sleepless nights, all the stories he'd told Olivia had finally brought him to a place where he could remember that horrific night without having to relive it.
He still had to get back into a helicopter, which would be the final and ultimate test. But for now, he was going to hang on to the good feelings and hope he was doing as well as he thought he was.
"A little to the left!" Emmalyn called, directing Liam and Ben as they maneuvered Maggie's kitchen table through Bree's front door and put it in the open space adjacent to the kitchen. "That's it. Perfect," she said as Brad came in with the chairs.
