Page 78 of We Are the Match
But she had been right, after all, and innocent people have died in a war I began.
“She could have saved them,” I say, but I am trying to convince myself of that, and it shows in the tremble of my voice. “She could have sent them away.”
But I wish I had, I wish I had stilled my trigger finger, I wish I had killed Altea and Zarek and Frona and Hana and Lena myself so that all the innocents would still be alive, but I did not. Instead, I played games and told lies and spun stories and considered mercy too late, just like every other member of these Families.
Instead, I prepared myself for escape. Because where does my loyalty lie if not my own survival, first and last and always?
“You hate them,” Thea says, her voice cracking. “We all hate them. But we choose how complicit we are, Troy.Youchose.” She jabs a finger against my chest.
I let her.
“You played the game of the Families,” Thea continues, voice barely a rasp. “And look at the mess you fucking made.”
There is nothing else to do. There is nothing left.
So I go to Thea’s, at the end of it all.
You played the game.Thea’s words echo in my head no matter how much of her bourbon I drink. No matter how roughly she and I touch each other, or how gently Perce touches us. No matter what we do to one another in Thea’s spacious king bed, the words echo and echo and echo.
Hours later, when we are all three of us spent with exhaustion, Perce pushes himself to his feet.
“I’ll make some tea,” he says, fingers trailing gently over Thea’s shoulder.
She catches his hand in hers, presses a kiss to his knuckles. “Beloved,” she says.
When the door shuts behind him, she sits up and pulls one of the blankets around her shoulders.
“Troy,” Thea says. “I have something to say to you.”
“Why were you there?” I blurt, pushing myself up, too, and I pull on my tank top, as if a layer of clothing can shield me from Thea’s sharp gaze.
Thea hesitates. “I would have saved them,” she says. “If I could. I was always trying to save them, Paris.”
“But why were youthere?” I glare across the bed at her.Are you part of them?I want to ask.And what else—who else—do you answer to?
“Because I have a husband I want kept safe,” Thea snaps. “Paris, how is this so impossible to understand? I worked in this Family to keep us both alive. I stood beside her today because when I follow their orders, my husband stays safe.”
“But why did she wantyouthere?” I persist. “Why did she want you with her today?”
Thea shrugs one shoulder. “Why do they do anything? Maybe she wanted me with her because she wanted to know I was loyal enough to stay at her side until she could make her escape. Maybe she wanted something to hold over my head. I don’t fucking know, Troy. All I know is that I keep their secrets to keep us alive.Allof their secrets, Troy.”
I freeze. “All of them,” I repeat.
Years ago, when I first learned Lena was alive—and using our old group home as a hideout—it felt like a secret I had to carry alone. Because how could I have my revenge if Zarek found out first, and took his?
“I think you know,” Thea says. “I think you have known about Lena for a very long time.”
Even here, even in her bed, we have not always been honest with one another. We have not always spoken freely, because homes can be bugged and guards can talk. But on this bloody day at the beginning of a war, Thea gives me truth. A gift, after years of secrecy and planning.
I breathe in. Out again. And then I nod. “And you?” I ask. “Why didn’t you say?”
She shakes her head again. “Zarek would have tried to kill Perce if I left his Family,” she says. “And Lena would have tried to kill Perce if I told anyonehersecret.”
“Thea,” I whisper. “I—I am sorry. That I did not trust you. That we could not be more honest with each other.”
She stares me down, the look on her face hard and unchanging. “And I toldyou,” Thea says. “That you would die if you did this. AndI thought you would, Paris. Long before you would cause this much wreckage.”
I open my mouth and then shut it again, shaking my head. “Thea.”
