Page 50 of His Fresh Start Cowboy
“No.” Hugo didn’t hesitate with his answer. “Had a lot of crushes over the years, but I’ve never been in love. You?”
“No. Been in lust a few times, I think, but never in love.”
“Like with Ramie?”
Brand shrugged. “Ramie and I always had an understanding, but we’re just best friends now. Same with Jackson.”
“You had anunderstandingwith Jackson, too?” He sounded more impressed than disgusted.
“Yeah. We all had itches to scratch in different combinations, and before you get any big ideas, no, there weren’t any crazy threesomes between us. Far as I know, Jackson and Ramie haven’t been together.”
“So can I ask you something?”
“Do I really have a choice?”
Hugo smirked. “Not really. Do you like one better? Men or women?”
“Not really.” Brand stared into the dregs of his coffee mug, glad to be talking about this with someone else for a change. Knowing without asking that Hugo would keep all this to himself. “Just depends on who I’m attracted to or not. It’s about the person, not the parts.” He tried to putLike I’m attracted to youinto his eyes, but wasn’t sure if he succeeded. “You ever been attracted to girls?”
“Nah. I tried for appearances’ sake in high school, but the first time I saw you...” Hugo blushed and looked at his lap. “Yeah.”
Now or never.“Hugo, I’m not sorry about what happened in the hayloft a few weeks ago. I know you’ve been avoiding me and the topic, but I really want to apologize for offending you. None of that, nothing I did, was out of pity or duty. It’s because I’m attracted to you and I wanted to be with you. To kiss you and do everything we did. I hope you believe me.”
“I want to.” Hugo peeked up through a fan of dark eyelashes. “I guess I had a lot of stuff going on in my head that day, and I took my uncertainty out on you. You aren’t a nasty person, Brand, not like Buck. And you didn’t take advantage of me. I gave freely. To you.”
“But not to Buck?” He instantly regretted the question, because Hugo scrambled to stand. He didn’t walk away, though, simply stood near the fire, arms crossed over his middle. “You can tell me anything, Hugo.”
“I believe you.” He stared down, firelight sparking in his eyes. “I disliked Buck the minute I met him. Frank was okay, but something about Buck was just...cold. The kind of person who’d kick a stray dog for fun, or cheer while another kid was being bullied. And in some ways, he seemed to resent our parents falling in love and getting married, even though he never acted out in front of my mom.”
Hugo was finally talking about this, so Brand held tight with both hands and jumped. “When was the first time Buck”—abusedwas too strong a word right now—”did something that hurt you?”
“The day of the wedding was the first time he put his hands on me.” Hugo took a few steps back, then sat, knees tight to his chest, eyes still on the fire. As if lost in the magic of those flames and the pain of his past. “We were both groomsmen, and he grabbed me hard by the biceps and said I’d better not fuck this up for his dad. Left some bruises.”
Brand swallowed back the urgent need to growl.
“It wasn’t every week, or even every month, but I was only twelve and he knew how to scare the shit out of me with just a look. Or a threat. He knew where to punch so it looked like I’d fallen off a swing or bumped into a door. Meeting Rem in high school was a godsend, I swear to Christ. He didn’t care how many times I got off the bus with him, or how many hours I spent hanging around your ranch, so I didn’t have to go home.”
“I’m glad you had that safe place, I mean it. And your mother didn’t have a clue?”
“I don’t think she wanted to know or believe me. She did and does love Frank. After the ways my bio father failed her, I think she needed a hero to believe in, and since Frank believed Buck about everything, she believed her husband by default.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that was for you.”
“It sucked beyond belief. And then after I made a fool of myself with you in the hayloft when I was sixteen, I just...all I could think about was getting out of that fucking town. The whole county. Away from Buck and you, and to just exist as a different person without all the guilt and baggage.”
Brand studied Hugo’s sad, pinched face, desperate to go over and hug him. To try and soothe this pain away, but a new question caught in the forefront of his mind. A question he needed to ask, even if Hugo told him to go to hell. “Hugo, did Buck ever...hurt you, uh, sexually?”
Hugo blinked at the fire a few times. “He never touched me sexually, no, but he also wasn’t shy about walking around naked for no good reason, or whipping his dick out and jerking off in front of me. It was like he knew I was gay and was trying to torment me. Or make me do something to out myself. But I hated him so much that he could have pulled a fullMagic Mikeon me and I wouldn’t have reacted.”
“I’m sorry.” New anger sizzled through Brand’s bloodstream. He grabbed a slender piece of firewood, wishing he could break the thing over the back of Buck’s head. Brand wasn’t normally an impulsive or violent person, but he cared about Hugo, damn it. And he hated it when people he cared about were hurting. “But thank you for being honest with me tonight. I mean it.”
Hugo met his gaze. “Maybe talking about the past doesn’t change it, but I guess it can make the ghosts quiet down a little bit. Leech some of the poison out. Pick your metaphor.”
“It can. You’re right.” He liked that Hugo was calling Brand on his own bullshit. Few people in his life ever did, except maybe Ramie and his old college girlfriend Sheryl. Sheryl had been sweet, sensual and blunt to a fault, and she hadn’t let Brand get away with anything, especially hiding behind excuses or obfuscations. She’d been the first person in his life to openly ask if he was attracted to guys and suggest he was bisexual.
He owed Sheryl a lot for helping him figure that part of himself out. And to accept it, even if he’d only ever told a handful of other people until now.
“I hate Buck and I always will,” Hugo said. “I don’t owe him anything, least of all forgiveness. But I also don’t want to spend more of my life actively being angry at him. I thought I could leave those feelings behind by leaving the state, but they followed me for a long time.”
