Page 118 of The Rogue

It had become a monster in his mind. This darkness. This place. But he realized now that it was just a place. And fear was just a feeling. What he wanted was her. Of course he was in love with her.

He grabbed his chest, afraid that his heart was going to burst right out the front of it. “Help me,” he said. To what, he didn’t know. To whom. He had cried out in the darkness before, and no one had come for him.

But Rue... He knew that she would never leave him. He knew that she would always care for him. That if they had an issue they would talk about it. She wasn’t his father. So the idea that he was holding himself back because he couldn’t trust her was just a lie. The real issue, when he drilled right down to it, was that love hurt. It had the power to devastate.

So he’d been very careful with how he loved in all the years since. She was right. She was right about him. He had been glad that there was another man that she would never love quite as much as she loved him. He had been glad that he had a stand-in so he could keep himself safe, and hold on to her. But this was another of those forks in the road. He couldn’t leave Ruby Matthews half-loved. Not when she deserved everything.

Not when hedidlove her.

He did.

And he knew now why it hurt so much to think of them as kids. Because he’d fallen in love with her then. He had denied that little boy. He had denied himself. He had denied the man. Because of fear.

What bullshit that he’d told himself he was giving in to every indulgence. Every temptation.

Sex with strangers meant nothing. It was like eating and never being able to be satisfied.

Sex with Rue was something else. It was the substance of it all. The full expression of loving her. Accepting that was like taking a breath.

The first full breath he had taken in years.

Loving her was what he’d never let himself do. All this time. But it had been there all the same. Like all the wounds he never let himself deal with. So he had to tear every lock off every door, let them all fly free, because that was the only way. To get down to that love. To get down to the truth. And to let it all go. Finally.

He wasn’t trapped in the cave anymore. And all there was left to do was walk out into the light.

So he did. Because Rue had shown him the way.

Bix, Arizona and Fia had done the hard work of packing everything up for her so that she could avoid him. And now her driveway was full of boxes and furniture that her friends were helping her unpack. Her friends. She had them still. At least there was that.

Bix had threatened to kill him, cheerfully, multiple times, while Fia and Arizona had been more measured.They had talked a lot about old wounds, childhood scars and the damage that had kept them all from finding love for years.

“I don’t have any patience for it,” Bix said angrily. “I didn’t have any patience for it when Daughtry had his big mantrum, and I don’t have any patience for it now.”

“You’re consistent,” Fia said, patting Bix on the shoulder. “I like that about you.”

But then, they had gotten all the things moved, and everyone had left, and Rue was just there, alone with this big hole inside of herself that wouldn’t ease up. Wouldn’t heal. Because she wanted him. Regardless of whether or not he was being a dick. She wanted him.

She sniffed and wiped her eyes, trying to decide what she was going to do.

Because part of her really did think she had to take away the crutch of their relationship for him to ever get better. Part of her really did think she needed to demand the best for herself.

Part of her really did believe that staying away from him was the best course of action.

Another part of her felt like she had cut her own arm off and was just letting it bleed when she could easily reattach it.

And she hated the idea of abandoning him.

She kept imagining him alone. Alone and buried. With nobody looking for him. Nobody coming after him. Had she left him alone like everybody else?

This kind of thing was supposed to be so easy. Thedecision to love herself enough to ask for what she wanted. Enough to demand she get what she deserved.

But it wasn’t that simple. It never could be.

Because she loved him. Because she had loved him for most of her life. And losing her house, losing the wedding, all of that she’d been able to make a binder about, make new plans over. Deal with. But this... This wasn’t the same. And she didn’t know the right thing to do. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to go hide out in the barn with him. She wanted to talk to her best friend about her heartbreak, but he was the heartbreak.

She wanted him to come over and hold her and watch13 Going on 30. She wanted him. And she didn’t know how that was ever going to be okay. They had been foolish. Because the stakes for this were far too high. And neither of them had been equipped to handle it. She had put it all on the line for love, and he’d held his ground of friendship. And they were left standing on two different sides of a line she didn’t know if they could cross.

What did you do with something like that? What were you supposed to do?

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