Page 115 of The Rogue

“I don’t want the house,” she said.

“What?”

“I mean, I do. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful. I am. But I... Justice, I want to stay here with you.”

His shoulders went rigid, and that was when her heart tightened like a fist. He wanted her somewhere else. This wasn’t just about buying her the house; it was about getting her out of his. He hadn’t come to tell her that he loved her. Quite the opposite.

“Justice,” she said, tears filling her eyes. “Don’t you know that I love you?”

She hadn’t meant to say it like this. She hadn’t meant to say it all weak and watery like this. She hadn’t. Everything just felt so tenuous and fragile, and it had never felt like higher stakes. Because she really might lose him. She had no idea how he was going to react to this, except she already knew that he was running scared. But she had to say it. She had to.

He started to speak and she could already tell she wouldn’t like what he had to say. She knew him. Right now she wished she didn’t know him quite so well.

“Rue, you know I care a hell of a lot about you too. But you have a plan. A plan to get your life back on track. I want you to have the house.”

“Are you pretending you don’t know what that means?” she choked out. “That I love you? I’minlove with you, Justice.”

“Please don’t,” he said. “I can’t give you what you’re asking for with all that. I’d...”

“You bought the house so you could break up with me.”

“No,” he said, emphatic. “I fucking didn’t. There’s nobreaking up. We’re us. We’re us, just the same way that we’ve always been. But I thought that you would want your own space back.”

“You wanted to go back to being just friends?”

“Wearefriends. Whether we’re having sex or not. What difference does it make?”

She couldn’t take it anymore. She exploded. “Are you this big of an idiot?” she asked. “Are youreallythis big of an idiot. Like sex didn’t change things between us. Because it’s actually harder to talk about some things now. All the mysteries that make youyouare just more amplified. I’m more aware of the differences between us. You’re a man, and I’m a woman. And there are pieces of you that you hold back from me.” She paused. “Not just me. Everybody. You do this, you take care of me instead of being honest about what you’re actually doing. You bought me this house so that you could be my hero. And you would rather do that than admit that... There’s never going to be anybody else for me. Just like there’s never going to be anybody else for you. Why do you think we’re like this? And why do you think...”

She took a deep breath, put her hand on her chest and tried to keep on talking without faltering. “Asher was like my stand-in. I couldn’t get love and marriage from you, and I got it from him, keeping you with me, I liked you best the whole time. I think you know that. I think you liked it. You got to be the most important man in my life, and somebody else was going to marryme and give me kids. And youknewI never loved him as much as I loved you.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You are the most important person in my life. Hands down. But I can’t do this thing that you want me to. I can’t do a shared life. And shared feelings. And shared everything. I can’t... I can’t love you the way that you deserve to be loved.”

“How do you think that is?”

“You want that beautiful house, you want that beautiful life. That gorgeous wedding, and I’m not the guy that can give you that.”

“No. I wanted all that because it made marrying Asher feel right. Because I could plan it and organize it and put everything in its place, and that made me feel good, because the emotions weren’t there. But if I have you... I don’t need a wedding. I don’t need the perfect dress. I don’t need anything butyou. You and me together. I just need you to love me. The way that you already do. I just want you to hold me, and be there for me, and admit what we are. What we have always been.”

“And what is that?”

“Running scared, I think. Because I think we fell in love when we were two kids who didn’t know what the hell it was, and we chose to run away from it rather than deal with it because that was easier and we were scared.”

“Rue, there was a time when I might’ve been able to do it. But it has been a long time past. A long fucking time. And you grew into the woman that you are. All the shit you went through, it made you better. Maybeif I would’ve dealt with it back then I would’ve figured out something different than what I did. I just shut everything down. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t... It’s uncomfortable. Even having you in my space sometimes. Because I just... I want to be in control of everything. Okay? Because you can’t... you can’t trust anyone with anything. Not really. Not when your feelings can be manipulated any which way as long as a person has the power to use your love against you.”

“You can trust me.”

“I can’t trust myself. That part of me is broken. And I know, because I broke it on purpose. Because I never wanted to be as scared or hurt again as I was when I was a kid and I was in that cave and...”

“It’s not the cave, though, is it? That was scary and it was horrible. But there’s more.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. Because this is the wall. It’s the wall I can’t kick down, the one that I can’t scale. It’s the thing that I can’t be enough for. And I need to know why. I need to know what it is.”

“He left me there, Rue. After I did what he wanted. Do you have any idea what a mind fuck that is? I thought my dad was a good guy back then. He was my hero. After that everything just felt terrifying. Like a cave that could collapse at any moment. If doing everything he asked me to didn’t make me matter, then what could? And I don’t know what to do for that kid. So I just became the man that I am.”

“But we met after that,” she said. “And you still let me in. You still cared for me anyway.”

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