Page 101 of The Rogue

“Your need to control your environment, your desperate need to pretend you aren’t affected by anything, your fear of commitment...”

“You don’t have a fear of commitment. Does that mean you don’t have issues?”

She sputtered. “No. But this isn’t about me. This is about you. And you know what, you know all of my stuff.”

“That’s bullshit. No, I didn’t. I didn’t know about all the sex stuff.”

“That was personal.”

“This felt personal to me. It’s not any different. You choose to keep certain things to yourself. You’re a liar if you think you don’t. Were you attracted to me when we were teenagers?”

“Justice...”

“Wereyou?”

“I thought you were good-looking. But I wasn’t where you were at as far as all the physical stuff goes. So I don’t know if I would say attracted...”

“You had feelings that you didn’t share.”

“Yes,” she said finally. “I did. Okay?”

“So don’t stand there and act like you share everything. Don’t get angry at me for not giving you transparency. There are certain things that I choose to keep to myself. I’ve never even talked to my brothers about that situation. I mean they know what happened. Because they remember it. The older ones do anyway. But the whole thing, the drugs and all that, I never talked about that. I just... It’s stupid but I couldn’t talk about it.”

“But it’s not stupid.”

“Plenty of other people have been through way worse things. There’s no reason to be all traumatized about something like that.”

“But you are. And that’s... Your father used you. He manipulated your love for him. Why are you trying to undervalue what happened to you?”

“Because there’s no point to marinating in it, is there? What good does it do? What good does it doyou to try to avoid all of your parents’ trauma? It didn’t do you any good, did it? That’s the point of this whole quest. You lost the house anyway. Their stuff still reached you even though you tried to be better. And yeah, I think that’s messed up, but it’s the way of things. It didn’t do you any favors in your relationship with Asher either. I just try not to hurt other people. That’s it. That’s all I want. I don’t need every single thing inside of me to be healed or fixed or whatever. I was raised by a narcissist. I had some things happen. But so what? It doesn’t make me special.”

“Then maybe there are some things that you should talk to someone about.”

“I just talked to you. See? Am I healed now?”

“Why are you acting like this?”

“Because you’re pushing me.”

“Why shouldn’t I push you sometimes?”

He pushed her all the time. And even though the sex had been amazing, why was she the one that had to change? It wasn’t like she didn’t want to change; she did. She was the one driving this. But why was he so convinced that what he did didn’t require change? Because he wasn’t hurting people? Didn’t he care that he was hurting himself? Limiting himself?

She took a breath. And let her own discomfort reverberate inside of her. She was upset because he’d been hurt. She hated that he’d been hurt. It didn’t seem fair. He was one of the most important people in the world to her, and this terrible thing had happened and she hadn’t been able to be there for him. It added to her sense of inadequacy. To the idea that she had missed things with him. That she hadn’t earned her place.

So yes. Some of it was wanting to push him, but some of it was feeling upset about what she hadn’t done for him, and that was about her.

She was upset that he was hurt.

Because she cared about Justice. More than just about anyone in her whole life.

He was her best friend, and now he was her lover. And he...

What is it that’s really bothering you?

He’d been hurt. That was it.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m honestly not trying to start a fight. I’m just really sorry that happened to you. I’m so sorry your dad was such a... such an asshole.”

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