Page 74 of Dallas

I did the thing that I wanted to do. I chose to have sex, I enjoyed it, I ripped the Band-Aid off. And he’s Dallas, so it was special, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but that doesn’t mean that… That doesn’t mean it’s romance. He’s my Dallas, and it is what it is, but it’s not… He wants to get married someday. We’re too young. And I don’t even know if I want to get married. I really don’t know if I want to have kids. I would almost say that I don’t. Pretty aggressively.

“Well, we’re not… I told you already, we have a very specific relationship. It’s trauma based.”

Allison’s forehead pleats. “That doesn’t mean that’s all there is to it.”

She’s not wrong. That isn’t all there is to us. It’s never been all there is.

“I know,” I say. But I don’t know what else there can be, and eventually, I have to have an actual life and not live off of him. Not be fully codependent.”

“Didn’t you spend ten years away from him?”

“Yes.” But I was never as happy.

Is that just loving somebody? Is that actually okay? I don’t know the answer to that.

“I think I want to stay here,” I say. Which is the first time I say that, and maybe Allison is the person I should say it to. Except she’s my friend. I really want her to be my friend. “I like it here. I like… You, and him and… His family.”

I’ve never loved a place this much. I’ve never loved people this much. But I’m so very aware that Dallas is my connection, and if I fuck it up in some way then… I’m not going to have anything.

I’ve had him ripped away for me before. I’ve had the only source of stability I’ve ever had ripped away from me. And just when I thought I was settling in – I wouldn’t say I was filled with joy or anything, but I was settling in – in Sisters, Chris appeared and…

I’m spiraling a little bit now. Which is understandable considering I just had mind-blowing sex, and things felt good for a minute. I really don’t know how to let things feel good. In fairness to me, life has a pattern of being kind of a bitch.

It likes to punch me in the face when I feel like everything’s going to be fine.

“Was it the best you’ve ever had?” Allison asks.

“It’s theonlyone I’ve ever had,” I say.

She looks at me, wide-eyed. “Really?”

“Yeah, I… Again, it’s the trauma of it all.”

“Oh,” she says. “I thought I should just get sex over with, kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid. Because I… I just used to have a stupid crush on someone I can’t be with. And I figured if I could demystify the physical act then it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And I did. It was really good for me, because now I know that it’s not going to change my life to have a certain man in bed, you know?”

I don’t know. Because my life is changed. I feel sad for her. Sorry. Also, I’m not stupid, and I’m pretty aware that she’s talking about Colt which…

I get why it’s impossible. And I get why she doesn’t want to admit it.

“I was going to do that,” I say. “Rip the Band-Aid off, I mean.”

“With Colt,” she says.

So we’re both thinking about him. That makes me feel pretty solid in my assessment on her feelings for him.

“Yeah. With him. But honestly, that just seemed like it wasn’t fair. I didn’t really want to. Also, I actually think he’s a really nice guy, and I didn’t want to use him.”

“I don’t think he would’ve minded being used for that purpose. Believe me when I tell you, Colt Campbell is for the streets.”

“Well. Yeah. I won’t doubt your judgment on that, considering that you’ve known them a lot longer than I have. But you should… You shouldn’t sleep with people that you don’t actually want.”

She smiles. “It’s not like I’m sleeping witheverybody. But I like relationships. They’re nice. I haven’t been in one for a bit. School is keeping me too busy.”

“I’m here to tell you that window-shattering sex does exist.”

She scrunches up her face and frowns. “I don’t know that I like that information.”

I blink. “Why not? I’m telling you that orgasms exist that can make the sky break open and rain down upon you, and you’re mad about this?”

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