Page 47 of Dallas

I don’t really know why I’m doing it. But maybe that’s it. Maybe he makes me feel a little bit less lonely. I don’t want them to be totally okay, because I’m not okay. I’m a broken mess, and if Dallas isn’t a little bit of a broken mess with me, then I don’t really know what I am. That’s tough. And I feel more than a little bit mad about it.

The familiarity of the movie washes over me, distracts me from my darker musings. But as much as I love this journey through Middle-earth, Dallas is not enjoying it quite as much, and he starts to nod off, his blond head dipping as the movie wears on.

I smile and throw a piece of my blanket over his lap. His head falls back against the back of the couch, and eventually he slumps against me, heavy and far too warm, so I don’t really need my blanket anymore.

He ends up lying down, head in my lap, and I look down at him, studying the lines of his face with my eyes, taking this opportunity to look closely at him.

I lift my hand, my fingers hovering over him. I touch a lock of his hair that’s fallen onto his forehead, and sweep it away. This feels safe. Because it’s Dallas. Because he’s asleep. Because I can look at him, how beautiful he is right now.

Looking at him hurts. My chest, my stomach.

Not in a bad way.

It’s just the way that he is.

I let out a slow, shaky breath. I think about Colt. Will I actually let him touch me? Kiss me?

I look at Dallas’s lips. Thinking about them pressed against my skin makes me shiver with a kind of sensual longing I didn’t know I had the capacity for. I have such an intense, visceral reaction to it, and it isn’t negative.

I don’t know anything about being kissed. Feeling desired. I don’t know anything about mutual wanting.

And my eyes fill with tears as I thinkmaybeI could feel all that someday. Maybe.

I move my hand away from Dallas’s face, and I don’t move away from him.

I just relish it. His body against mine. I let it be something that feels soothing. I don’t think about sex. But my heart is still beating fast, and I can feel need gathering at the center of my thighs, because apparently I can be basic. Apparently, I can be just like other girls. Apparently, I can feel need and desire, and maybe I’m not such an alien after all.

Maybe I can be normal. Maybe I can live, instead of just survive.

I feel something that I think might be longing. Yearning. I don’t actually want to get better acquainted with that feeling. Because I know what it’s like in other contexts. To want something that you can’t have. To wish that things could be different. I’m caught up in that feeling now.

What if he and I met at school? In this beautiful town. What if I had a family, a functional mom and dad, and we ate dinner around the table every night?

Except he probably still wouldn’t have asked me to be his date to any school dances because he’s too much older than me. Because there’s a reason he was always like a surrogate older brother, and not a potential boyfriend, and that doesn’t even have anything to do with me and my issues.

He was too much olderthen, it doesn’t feel like itnow. He’s just too important to me. He can’t be my experiment. Not ever. And I ignore how hollow that makes me feel.How sad it makes me. Because I have enough. Enough to live. I don’t need to be greedy. I have Dallas. As my best friend. My beautiful, wonderful best friend, and that’s enough.

It’s certainly more than I ever expected to have.

Chapter Twelve

Dallas

“I want to do something nice for Sarah’s birthday,” I say, lingering in my mom’s kitchen long after dinner is over.

“When is it?”

“It’s tomorrow.”

She rolls her eyes. “Dallas,” she says. “A little advanced warning would be good. We could have a party for her here.”

“I told her I’d take her to the saloon. Because she’s turning twenty-one.”

She looks at me. “And you’ve cleared this with her for real?”

“I have. And I invited a couple of people.”

Inviting Colt made me feel edgy, but I did it, because it’s not about me, it’s about Sarah, and he is one of the people that she’s met. I also invited Allison, who I believe is bringing her brother Gentry, and Gentry is probably bringing his friend Lily, since wherever he goes, she goes,and it’s another opportunity for Sarah to meet a woman who lives in town.

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