Page 38 of Cruel Summer

“I want real food,” she said.

“This,” he said, getting into the car as she did, dumping the bag out over the seat, “is real food.”

“It’s Fritos.”

“Fritos are food.”

“It’s not a full spectrum,” she said, examining the rest of the haul. Powdered doughnuts, potato chips and Milk Duds.

“Not true.” He dug into the bag. “There’s jerky.”

“How are you…” She waved a hand toward his general physical perfection. “That.”

“I work out all the time.”

“Really?” she asked as she buckled up, started the car and got them back on the road.

She hadn’t expected that answer, because honestly, even if it was the truth, she wouldn’t expect him to admit it.

“The better to keep the demons at bay, Sam.”

She had no idea if he was serious or not, but the comment swirled around in her head, along with the hard rock music he’d chosen to put on.

“Working out all the time is not how it was suggested to me you spend your time,” she said, not sure if she’d regret going down this path or not.

“Oh, meaning you were told I live a life of general debauchery?”

“It was implied, yes.”

“I dabble in debauchery. I’m not going to lie about that. You have to do something with the nights or they get long.”

She’d never really thought about what all that meant. Not in a detailed sense. She knew Logan went out a lot, and had the sense that he hooked up—hooked up, like he was in his early twenties or something. But she’d never really…

Of course he did.

It was far too easy for her to imagine, suddenly, the impact of the man, were he to walk up to you in a bar.

“But it’s certainly not my whole life,” he said. “It’s not…not a goal to aspire to.”

She frowned. “If you don’t like it, why…”

He turned to look at her. “I like parts of it. I like the part where I’m not thinking about anything. But after…all the thoughts you didn’t have for those few hours hit you, and they hit hard. It’s deferring pain, not stopping it. Sometimes it’s still worth it. For a little bit of oblivion. But it doesn’t fix jack shit.”

Was it still that hard?

A canyon of terror opened up inside of her. Was this what happened to you when you lost the relationship you wanted? Yes, Becca had died, but if Will ended up leaving Sam…would this be her?

Ten years on and not okay.

Not healed.

Just looking for bandages to put on the hemorrhaging wound that was your soul? It was a horrific thought. A terrible idea.

No. Things will go back to how they were.

This will never be you, because you and Will aren’t finished.

Againshe deliberately shoved those thoughts to the side. She wasn’t supposed to be linking all this back to her. And she really wasn’t supposed to be tying everything back into Will.

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