Page 74 of Lights, Camera, Love

‘I’m not saying that I wasn’t the same,’ he continues, and I decide to try to listen to what he’s telling me without being so shut off. ‘We were both young then, and newly famous, and temptation was around every corner for both of us. I was no more faithful to your mother than she was to me when we were seeing each other. But the fact is, when she became pregnant, I wasn’t sure the baby was mine. She was already making plans; she wanted us to get married and raise our child together, and I won’t lie, Evie, I was terrified. I wasn’t ready to be a father, and I was just starting to receive some very big film offers. So, with all that in mind, I asked her for a paternity test. I had to be sure before going down that road.’

Sharp breaths of confusion pierce my lungs.I had no idea about any of this.

‘She saidno, Evie,’ Gabriel says, his brows pulled together. ‘Your mother outright refused the test. So, I spoke to my lawyer and found out that I could petitionthe courts to order her to take it.’ He continues on about the lengths my mother apparently went to avoid it all, but all I hear is a man who took every step he could to get out of being my dad. Tears rise to my eyes, but I clench the muscles in my face to stop them from spilling out.

‘But then, before she could be forced to do the test,’ Gabriel says, ‘your mother packed up her things while I was away working overseas and flew back to Australia. Which I believe she did just to spite me.’

His lips clamp shut, and an awful silence settles between us. A waiter flits past carrying a platter of something swimming in garlicky butter, the smell making my stomach churn.

‘If any of that’s true, why didn’t you follow her to Australia?’ I demand shakily. ‘You could have taken out a court order here.’

‘I couldn’t find her.’ His voice cracks on the words. ‘Your mother and I were living in the States when we met; I didn’t know her family or have any contact details for them. This was before social media and Facebook. I tried to search for her. I called my Australian contacts, but they all came up short. If she did any acting over here, she must have used a different name.’

She didn’t. She had to give up acting as soon as she moved back.

The waiter returns with our drinks. While he sets them down, I turn my head and blink away tears. I can’t seem to reconcile the fact that this man, who has causedso much pain in my life, is saying these things about my mother—the dating around, the stubborn refusal to do the test, the impulsive decision to escape to Australia without leaving a forwarding address. But I can’t deny it; they do sound like her.

Still, theremusthave been other avenues Gabriel could have taken to try to find me if he believed there was a possibility he was my father.

‘So that’s it?’ I press after the waiter’s gone, desperate to lift some of this ugly blame off the woman who raised me all on her own. ‘You made a few phone calls and then just gave up and went on with your life? Became a big movie star with your private jets and fancy yachts and forgot about me altogether?’

My flippant tone makes Gabriel sit forward; his brow is etched with lines of concern. ‘No.I didn’t forget, Evie—of course I didn’t. But I also still didn’t know if …’

His voice trails off, and I finish the sentence for him. ‘You didn’t know if I was yours. Because she never did the test.’ With blurred eyes, I look right at him, challenging him to meet my stare and see me clearly. ‘I look so much like you,’ I say helplessly.

‘I know.’ A choked breath leaves his lips. ‘But I never even saw a picture of you until one appeared in the media, from some sort of international dance event. You were seventeen.Thatwas my paternity test, Evie.’

I blink away, biting hard on my bottom lip. ‘Well, that paternity test was ten years ago. So, what took you so long? Why did you wait until now to contact me?’

‘Now, I’m getting ready to have a baby with a woman I trust and love, and it has made me realise just how much I have missed out on. Okay? That is why I’m here. Believe me, you’re not the only one who got hurt in all this.’

‘I was a child,’ I argue, as he again tries to make himself the victim. ‘An infant.’ A bulging tear breaks free of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I brush it away before any of the other diners can see. ‘I needed you to be mydad,’ I gasp, digging my thumb into my aching chest. ‘All my life, I’ve believed my father didn’t want anything to do with me.’

‘I did,’ he implores. ‘Ido. But for so long, I was so afraid you weren’t mine,’ he adds, sounding as if someone has stolen his breath. ‘I was young, I was dumb, I was confused. And even though I should’ve done more, much more, I gave up after your mother disappeared and went on with my life. I stuck my head in the sand because it suited me to do that.’

His eyes turn misty as they cling to mine.

‘And I know how selfish that was,’ he goes on. ‘Since I saw that photo of you, I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to get in touch. To see if you would even take my call. But seventeen years had passed, and I wassoterrified of how much you must have hated me, and I kept putting it off and off, and’—his forehead drops; his palm meets his brow—‘time is such a slippery thing. It feels as if there’s so much of it, and then you blink, and there’s none of it at all. But when Harper, my partner,told me we were having a baby, it all came flooding back. And I knew I … I knew I was going to be in Sydney soon, so I looked you up. And suddenly, there were all these articles about you and this … this actor you’re dating.’

Oh god, not that.

‘I saw you,’ I challenge. ‘At Village Pictures.’

A flush of shame crowds his features. ‘I’m so very sorry about that.’ His gaze plummets to the fork he’s strangling with his fingers. ‘I was there for a meeting about a project, and the last thing in the world I expected was to see you sitting there. When I did, Evie, I … Ipanicked.I was with my legal team and some financiers, and I didn’t want the first time I spoke to you to be—’

‘I get it.’ I throw up a hand.

I was the kid you didn’t want. Of course you didn’t want me interrupting your important, fancy business meeting. So, you kept walking as if I didn’t exist—you’d had enough practice.

My eyes fill up again, and I lower my face. I honestly don’t know what to say. What I should do right now is pick up my glass of wine and take a sip. That might calm me down. The problem is, I’m about to be sick all over the table. This is all too much.

I tear the napkin off my emerald-green skirt and climb to my feet. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t … I can’t do this.’

I can just make out Gabriel’s face falling before my eyes start to water and my vision begins to swim. I glance around the restaurant, trying to orientate myself. Hazily,I perceive the exit door and make a beeline for it before I burst into tears in front of all these onlookers. Despite everything that’s happened, I don’t want to embarrass Gabriel.

Keeping my head ducked, I hurry into the lobby and push the lift button.

I wait for him to arrive behind me.

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