Page 118 of Love, Just In

My chest splinters. Zac isn’t exactly throwing a party over my imminent departure, but it seems that he’s resigned to it.

I have to do something, and I have to do it now. Or I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.

I gently lay my hand over Zac’s thigh where it pokes out from his athletic shorts, stroking his bare skin with my thumb. His gaze flies to mine, and for a few endless breaths, I stare into his eyes, begging him to see what I want. But when he doesn’t do anything to close the distance between us, I charge. I clutch the back of his neck and pull him towards me, but his spine straightens, and his eyes dart away.

‘Zac,’ I plead.

He sucks in a quivery breath. ‘I’m so sorry, Jose. I can’t.’

A deep, wrenching pain grips my heart. ‘Why?’

‘Don’t get me wrong.’ His brow lines as he looks down. ‘Every time I’m around you, all I can think about is kissing you. That’s the problem. You make my head spin.’

I lean into his view, feeling the lost look in my eyes. ‘Whyis that a problem? You want to kiss me; I want to kiss you … What could be less of a problem than that?’

His jaw grinds like he’s at war with himself. ‘You’re totally ignoring everything you brought up last month. You’re moving to Sydney in a few days. And you know I can’t move back there. Every time I drive past thehighway there that leads to Mittagong, I’m going to relive that fucking awful thing all over again. It’s bad enough having to go down for work now and then.’

‘But we can figure it out,’ I beg. ‘Sydney’s just two hours away. People have relationships on different sides of the world.’

‘It’s not only that, though.’ He stares out at the sea with weary eyes. ‘I can’t go through a big hurt again. You were right about that. I’m finally on my feet, and I can’t feel a loss like that again; Ican’t. I’ve worked too hard to get better.’

‘But, Zac, my test was fine.’

He blows a mirthless chuckle through his lips. ‘I’m not talking about you dying, Josie. I know you. You like guys with beach houses who can mingle with TV executives at parties and fit into your fancy Sydney world.’

He’s wrong—we’ve both been so terribly wrong about that—but when I shake my head, Zac looks away.

‘I know there’s attraction between us,’ he admits throatily. ‘But if we go our separate ways for a while, we’ll get past it and realise we live in two different worlds now and are better off the way we’ve always been. As friends. Because if we start something up, I know you’ll get sick of being in a long-distance relationship. Before long, you’ll be going on dates with corporate guys down there again, and I’ll be sitting up here fucking dying from heartbreak.’

My throat is so full I can hardly speak. ‘There are no other guys, Zac. I wantyou.Youare the reason thatI’ve been single for so long and never wanted any other man when he was put in front of me.Youare the person I compare everyone to, and no one ever measures up. All my life, I feel like I’ve been making one wrong decision after the next—chasing after things I thought I wanted. But those were other people’s ideals, other people’s dreams.Thisis what I want.Thisis the right decision.’

Turmoil swirls in his gaze as he looks back and forth between my eyes. But then he drops his face with a pained sigh. ‘I’m so sorry, sunbeam. It took me two years to get my life back on track, and I can’t risk my heart like that again. The fucking devastation I felt after our conversation that day in the kitchen made me realise I just can’t do it. But I don’t want you to ever feel alone, OK? I’m still your friend.’

I turn my head and blink rapidly through my tears, feeling like my heart’s being torn out of my chest. But then a hopeless realisation sinks over me that I’ve done all I can here. If Zac doesn’t want to pursue this, I can’t make him, and I don’t want to. I would never try to force him to put his heart on the line if he’s not ready—not even for me. His happiness is too important.

The words leave my lips in a whisper. ‘OK. If that’s what you want.’ I offer him a shaky hand. ‘Friends.’

His forlorn gaze locks with mine as his fingers close around my own, a silent explosion shattering my chest.

‘Best friends,’ Zac says.

CHAPTER 43

Fourteen years ago

The moment Mrs Waldon turns to face the whiteboard, I twist in my seat and find Zac pouting at me from two rows over, three seats back.

I perform an exaggerated eye-roll, because he and I were having too much fun whispering our plans to go to Luna Park this Saturday for my birthday before our bossy maths teacher separated us.

Zac’s eyes flicker in the direction of her floral dress before he holds up a scrunched ball of paper and tosses it towards me. The note lands near my shoe, and I surreptitiously snatch it up and unfold it.

Check your locker after class for a b’day surprise

From Zac

I curl back around to shoot him a quizzical grin, but he pretends to focus hard on his work, a smile hinting at his mouth.

As soon as the bell rings, Zac jumps up and sails out the door with Cody and Hayden crowding behind him, so I head in the opposite direction, towards my locker, curious and giddy over this birthday surprise. How would Zac have even got something inside my locker without knowing the combination?

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