Page 104 of Love, Just In

A deep sigh leaves her lungs. ‘He hasn’t said anything to me. But never say never; it’s possible he hasn’t heard about it.’

I snort a mirthless laugh. ‘Keep dreaming, my friend. Even my parents saw it on the internet inThailand.’ When Mum and Dad called about my on-air breakdown, I told them I hadn’t been feeling well and spaced out, which was at least partly the truth.

‘Well, I’d love you to come down and stay,’ Christina says gently. ‘Pete’s actually in Melbourne for work this week, so you can keep me company. I’m in the middle of setting up the nursery. I’d love your input.’

I catch my reflection in the mirror, my haunted expression and puffy eyes proving that there’s more to my Sydney escape than my work suspension. But Christina assumes that’s all there is to it, and if I bring up Zac’s name right now, I’ll probably burst into tears.

I finish packing and slide my suitcase into the back of my car. My chest twists sharply as I tap out a message to him.

ME:Hey. I’m officially off work for two weeks, so I’m heading to Sydney today. I can’t put you out of your house, it’s not fair. Please move back home. I’ll find somewhere to stay temporarily when I get back, and I’ll get the rest of my stuff then if that’s OK. Thank you so much for offering your home to me.

I add the words ‘Miss you’ at the end before deleting them, my stomach shrinking into itself. I can’t play with Zac’s feelings right now—or my own. I have to keep things simple and civil.

When he replies while I’m flying down the motorway, I pull over at a rest stop just so I can read his message.

ZAC:OK

My heart crawls into my throat as I spin the wheel back towards the motorway.

Simple and civil. That’s how things need to be right now. But the problem is that the first person I want to call and moan to about my sore heart is the same person who’s causing it. Not that any of this is Zac’s fault. He’s done nothing wrong, whereas I can’t seem to make a right decision to save myself.

A second message from him pings five minutes later. Waiting until I reach Sydney to read it feels torturous, so I find another rest stop.

ZAC:What about your test? Isn’t that tomorrow? I was going to ask if you still wanted me to go with you.

A wave of nausea throbs through my body. I don’t know how to tell him that I cancelled my breast ultrasound this morning. He’ll never understand that I just don’t have the mental strength to face the possibility of bad news right now, and I don’t want him to blame himself. I’m planning to rebook the test as soon as I feel capable of handling the possible results, but that’s one hundred per cent not going to be this week.

At a loss for what to say, I swipe out of the message and resume my drive to Sydney, trying to keep my zombie eyes from glazing over and causing an accident. The traffic gridlock sets in the minute I reach the city’s outskirts, and it takes just as long to crawl to Christina’s terrace in Kirribilli as it did to drive more than one hundred kilometres down the motorway.

Christina greets me with a gorgeous baby bump and a comforting hug, and we carry mugs of hot chocolate outside to her courtyard garden. We chat about her baby, Pete’s work stint in Melbourne, a new historical bestseller we both loved—everything other than the lump growing in my breast and the fact that I had sex with my best friend and damaged both our hearts in the process. I know I need to get better at opening up to people about my issues, but giving those words airtime will trigger my anxiety. I’m starting to realise I keep my lips sealed for the same reason I run in the opposite direction from medical tests: if I pretend bad things aren’t happening, maybe they’ll just disappear.

Christina has to say my name twice to get my attention back.

‘Are you OK?’ she asks with a pout.

‘Yeah. Sorry. What was it you just said?’

She swallows tightly. ‘I got a call while you were on the way down here. Do you remember Dev Parvin, the chief Melbourne reporter for Channel One? He’s moving to Sydney, and I’m wondering if it has something to dowith my maternity leave. I can’t think of why else Oliver would move him up here.’

I nod sadly, still coming to terms with the fact that I screwed up my one shot at my dream job. But if I can’t even face an ultrasound, what chance do I have of being trusted to read the nation’s most watched news bulletin? I don’t deserve the promotion.

‘That makes sense,’ I finally say, inhaling a calming waft of milky chocolate before taking a sip.

‘To be honest, I’ll be ticked off if they replace me with a man,’ Christina adds, and I hold up my mug in a ‘cheers to that’ salute.

‘Do you want to talk about what else is bothering you, my love?’ she asks. ‘You seem so unhappy. And while I know this job means a lot to you, I’m wondering if there’s another reason you’ve run out of Newcastle so suddenly.’

I absently turn my gaze to the tendrils of vines coiling up the trellis.

‘There’s been a lot going on,’ I murmur, wondering where to begin.

Stop avoiding everything, Josie. Try telling the truth for a change to someone who cares about you.

‘You already know that Zac and I hooked up,’ I say with a sigh. ‘More than once. And I was really hoping it was the right thing, but it’s already screwed everything up between us.’

‘In what way?’ she asks softly.

When I struggle to answer, she hazards a guess.

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