Page 78 of Gracie Harris Is Under Construction

“Of course, sweetie, but please don’t tell him about it in advance,” she says. “Family secret.”

—

The evening withJosh is beautiful and full of nervousness. We don’t know the next time he’ll spend the night at the house, the next time we’ll fall asleep tangled together or wake up next to each other in bed.

By noon tomorrow, the kids will be home. I will overflow with emotions once again and insist on hugging and snuggling until they beg me to stop. There is so much to show them in the house and so much to hear about their summer that their few, brief letters from camp couldn’t possibly explain. I need time with them, and they need time with me. This means, for the first time this summer, that Josh and I will really need to spend time apart.

I kept my promise to Ava. Two weeks ago, I sent her a letter at camp to give her some basic details—so much has happened since then, but somehow everything I told her is thankfully still the truth.

You were right about Josh, I wrote, sketching the eye-roll emoji by hand, knowing that she would find it hilarious. I was honest with her that I had big feelings and didn’t know exactly where we would go from here. That’s all I really could share at that point. I included the photo of us with James and Kendell.

A few days later, I got back a postcard with a sketch on the blank side—a kawaii drawing of a panda with a speech bubble that only saidSquee, I can’t wait to hear about it!with a hundred little hearts.

I know she is happy for me and probably has a million questions—Benji, too. It’s just that I’m certain they will need time just the three of us before they are ready to give their hearts over to someone else. Thanks to an aggressive amount of texting with Jenny over the last few days, I’m letting myself sit in the emotional complexity of the moment without judging myself as a mom or a romantic partner. It will be challenging; it will be okay. This is all possible.

“Please take all the time with the kids that you need,” he tells me as we lie in bed, trying desperately to stay awake. “I don’t care if you go quiet for weeks and you’re back in Chapel Hill before it makes sense to call me. I will be here, and I don’t need you to rush.”

He is telling me the truth, and I’m letting myself believe that it will be fine because this is what I know for sure: what Josh and I have is real. It is right. And good people wait and are worth waiting for.

Chapter 32

When Josh’s alarm goes offat seven, I pull him in close and whisper that it can’t possibly be morning yet. I think he’s still deep asleep, but in a swift motion, he reaches his arm to the side table to silence the beeping and then rolls over on top of me. It all happens so fast that it makes me giggle.

We didn’t bother putting on clothes last night, so things are obvious and easy. There is no way to hide intentions in our bed this morning. I put one hand behind his neck and run the other down his chest. The feel of him sends a shiver through my body, and it doesn’t take long before we are connected again. I know it won’t take much time for either of us to reach our moment, so I desperately try to enjoy every second of this, not knowing when I might be able to feel this way again. He rolls me on top and I rock my hips and kiss his neck. In mere minutes that go by too quickly, we are done.

“What’s that smile all about?” he asks me while running his hands through my hair.

“I realized last night that I only know you and Canopy in thesummertime. I’m looking forward to seeing you both in all seasons,” I say, imagining Josh in a cozy sweater or thermal shirt.

“Fall is my favorite by a mile,” he says. “Winter is gray and wet but beautiful. Spring is great except for my allergies.”

He kisses my forehead and then we force ourselves out of bed. He grabs his clothes from yesterday off the nearby chair. I let myself admire his body as he dresses. I fell in love withhimfirst—his personality, his humor—but I have certainly let myself enjoy all that he has to offer.

“Do you want breakfast before you go?” I ask, knowing that my sparse pantry has very little available. Tomorrow I’ll take the kids to the grocery store to stock up on their favorites for our last few weeks in town.

“Gracie, I love that you are trying to find every excuse to keep me here longer, but I should go,” he says. “You deserve a few hours to yourself before you get the kids. You’ll be happier for it.”

I walk him to the door, and we stand at the open threshold for a minute just sweetly kissing before he pulls me in for a final hug. It’s the hug you give someone you love at the airport—a little longer and tighter than usual but not too intense, because you know that they’ll be back. I watch him drive away and turn around to start my day.

—

Dr. Lisa ison the East Coast visiting family, and she’s agreed to squeeze me in for an early-morning session at 8. It was a late night for me, and she’s still jet-lagged, so we both meet with tired eyes and hands full of freshly brewed coffee.

“Gracie, it’s so nice to see you,” she says. “I’ve been looking forward to today’s session and more than a little worried about you after listening to the interview.”

“I want to talk all about it,” I begin, “but before we debrief on the interview with Maisy, I want to tell you what happened the day before and after. I think it matters.”

I spend twenty minutes recounting the argument with Josh—how it started, how I knew even in the moment I was being irrational, how scared he seemed by my reactions, and how I sent him home. Every excruciating detail. Dr. Lisa is listening intently, and I see a worried look cross her face. She’s learned to like Josh from afar, and I can sense she’s worried about where this is headed.

“Believe it or not, although I’ve only had a few days to digest it, I’m fairly certain the latest Maisy interview might have been the most cathartic experience of my life,” I tell her. “I came back with a better understanding of my emotional state.”

“I was both proud and concerned, Gracie,” she says. “The interview with you and Darrell was incredibly powerful. You both shared some very raw emotions and stories. It was beautiful, but I also know it must have been very upsetting.”

“It was,” I say, before adding in a half-sarcastic voice, “Maisy was very happy with how our baggage brought social media value.”

“Talk to me a bit about what happened when you got home. Judging by your demeanor, I’m assuming that you and Josh reconciled.”

“We did,” I say, finding myself holding back tears. “We both put all of our feelings on the table. I told him how scared it makes me to be in love again. Neither of us expected this, but I think we’re on the road to figuring it out. It’s the real deal.”

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