Page 3 of Give Me a Reason

Wondering if her legs would bear her weight, Anne nodded her assent and rose to her feet. When she felt fairly confident she wouldn’t collapse on the floor, she slipped out through the back door onto the walkway facing the blacktop. Her cousin came toward her under the awning that shaded the long single-story building.

Anne met her at the halfway point between the front and back doors and crossed her arms tightly over her chest to quiet her pounding heart. She still couldn’t grasp the fact that Frederick was on the other side of the wall, charming a roomful of second graders. It took all of her acting skills to present a semblance of calm.

“What’s going on?” She hoped her cousin wouldn’t notice the tremor in her voice. “I thought I was supposed to be the morning guest.”

This wasn’t how she’d imagined seeing Frederick again. She actually hadn’t allowed herself to imagine anything at all. Thinking about him only brought to the surface the longing that churned ceaselessly beneath the facade of serenity she wove over herself. Even now, she had to fight against the memories threatening to breach her defensive walls. Remembering how happy they had been together would only make her yearn for a future she couldn’t have.

What if… If only…Her nails bit into her palms as she fought back tears. She was overreacting. She and Frederick were ancient history. Sheknewthat, didn’t she? She took a slow, calming breath.

“Captain Nam was supposed to come this afternoon, but there was an unexpected schedule change at the station and…” Her cousin crinkled her nose. “I guess I offered him your spot? I honestly don’t even know how it happened. It’s like he hypnotized me. I’m so sorry, Unni.”

Anne arched her eyebrow with a delicate snort. Bethany only called her “big sister” when she wanted to butter her up. Unfortunately, it worked—especially since her cousin referred to Frederick asCaptain Nam. If the two of them had been dating, she would’ve referred to him by his first name.

Thank God.

Mortification cut her relief short. Why should that matter to her? Well, anyone would have found it awkward to have their cousin date their ex-boyfriend. Especially since no one but Auntie Sharon knew about Anne and Frederick—about their love, about their heartbreak—because Anne had been away at college when she met him. And she’d never told her father and sisters about Frederick, because they weren’t all that interested in her life as long as it didn’t affect theirs.

Awkwardness aside, Anne wouldn’t have been able to bear the irony if her aunt had convinced her to leave Frederick all those years ago only to have her own daughter date him a decade later. Would Auntie Sharon deem Captain Frederick Nam unworthy of Bethany as well? Or would his title assuage her aunt’s prejudices?

Anne shook herself out of her bitter thoughts. She shouldn’t overthink it. She had good reason to be relieved her cousin wasn’t dating her ex. It had nothing to do with the ludicrous flashes of jealousy she’d felt earlier.

“It’ll be worth the wait, Unni. We’ll have a nice lunch delivered and enjoy a picnic in my classroom. We can finally catch up without my sister and my parents clamoring for your attention.” Bethany reached for her hand. “You can give your talk right after lunch. Say you’ll stay. Please?”

“Okay.” She squeezed her cousin’s hand—saying no wasn’t one of Anne’s strong suits, and it would be nice spending more time with Bethany. “I’ll stay.”

Besides, it wasn’t as though she had anything else planned for the day. She actually didn’t have any plans for the foreseeable future. She’d been back in the US for a couple of months now, but all she’d managed to do was move into her condo, where she’d been hiding out like a hermit. Soon, she needed to figure out whatshewanted out of life before another ten years passed by.

Soon, but not yet.

Her acting career in Korea had been a whirlwind of auditioning, filming, promoting, and networking on loop. She didn’t even have time for any meaningful relationships with friends or otherwise. Her former manager had insisted that taking a break from acting, no matter how short, meant being prematurely forgotten. His advice hadn’t been wrong. Her fans would’ve moved on to the next new star if she’d slowed down. She had seen it happen to other actors all too often. And since Anne couldn’t afford not to work, she’d kept going.

Ten years of that lifestyle had predictably taken a toll on her, even more so than she’d thought. She was too exhausted to find the motivation todoanything. Or eventhinkabout doing anything… which was why she had been ignoring her old friend and new agent Meredith Shim’s calls for nearly a month. Anne had been promising herself she would call Meredith back “next week” for the last four weeks.

Like any respectable film and TV agent in Los Angeles, Meredith hustled with boundless energy, and she had her eyes set on Anne transitioning into Hollywood. They’d both minored in theater at UC San Diego, and her friend had been ecstatic when Anne landed her first K-drama role all those years ago. To this day, Meredith claimed she discovered Anne’s talent first.

“Thank you. I knew you would understand,” Bethany crooned, hugging Anne tightly. “Okay. I’d better get back to my kiddos.”

“Go on.” Anne needed a moment to prepare herself before she could be in the same room as Frederick again. “I’ll be right in.”

She stood rooted to the spot for a good five minutes, wringing her hands raw, but she didn’t feel any more prepared to face him. She wanted to wrap herself around one of his legs like a koala hugging a tree and never let him out of her sight. She also wanted to run in the opposite direction and never see him again.

What in the world?

Anne pressed her hand against her forehead.It’s okay.She could figure this out. Wanting to hold on to him was… a phantom emotion from the past—a memory of wanting to be with him. It wasn’t real.

And the part of her that wanted to run away from him must stem from her guilt. She’d broken the man’s heart. It was a long time ago, but she still felt awful about it. That had to be it.

After a moment, she sighed in resignation. It was no use. There was no figuringanyof this out. The empty blacktop, with a lonely tetherball swinging in the wind, only made her feel more listless. She turned back toward the classroom. She had promised her cousin she’d stay, so she would stay.

She snuck in through the back door with her chin tucked to her chest and reclaimed her seat in the corner. When she got up the nerve to look at Frederick, he didn’t meet her eyes, busy speaking to the kids. In fact, he didn’t glance her way once, or otherwise acknowledge her existence, and she felt nauseous with disappointment. But what had she expected? He had no reason to steal glances at her. Meanwhile, Anne couldn’t do anythingbutsteal glances at him, even though she didn’t have any reasons to either.

“Thank you, Captain Nam,” the children shouted as one, clapping and bouncing on the mat.

Anne had been so busy memorizing the lines of his face, sofamiliar yet so different, that she’d missed his entire talk. Before she could catch up to what was happening, Frederick said a quick farewell to the class and nodded at Bethany as he headed toward the door.

“Thank you so…” Her cousin trailed off when Frederick walked out of the classroom before she could finish.

Anne shot up from her seat. When Bethany turned round eyes on her, Anne mouthedbathroombefore heading toward the back door at a comically casual pace, minus a tuneless whistle. But why would a person who needed to use the bathroom walk like they were out for a leisurely stroll?Geez.She was a seasoned actress, for God’s sake.

---