Page 73 of Tempting Fate
“I’m good.” Being in such close proximity to Raylene was as good as a bonfire. She warmed his blood. He tried to remind himself that touching her flame meant third-degree burns. “You might want to catch some sleep; we’ve got a long night ahead of us.”
“It’s only nine.”
“In surveillance situations, you sleep whenever you can. Go ahead, I’ll take the first watch.”
“I’m not tired.”
He didn’t argue with her. Realistically, he was going to be the one to do this. No way was he letting her climb up on the water tank in the pitch black.
He leaned his chair back. “Then tell me a story.”
“I’ve told you enough stories. You tell me one.”
“PG or X?” The fact was he had sex on the mind, which was a first on a stakeout.
“About your life,” she said.
“Then definitely X.”
Even in the dark, he could see her roll her eyes. “Besides your Jersey girl, you ever have a serious girlfriend?”
“Nope. Was sort of busy fighting a couple of wars. Why you so interested in my love life?”
“I don’t know, it’s something to talk about.” She was quiet for a while, then said, “I think you’d make a good boyfriend.”
“You asking me to go steady, Ray?”
“Hell no. See this?” With her finger she drew an imaginary circle around her face. “Man-free zone.”
He laughed. “Didn’t seem like that a few nights ago.”
“That was just meaningless sex.”
“Ah, you trying to hurt my feelings?” He said it sarcastically, but her words had hurt his male pride. Meaningless was even worse than ho-hum, which he definitely wasn’t. A slew of frog hogs could vouch for that.
“Oh, come on. It didn’t mean anything to you either. But when it does…I mean with someone else…you’ll be the loyal, doting type.”
He wasn’t going to correct her about their night together, but it had meant more than she thought. Quite frankly, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. About her. “What makes you so sure that I’m such a prize?”
“This, for one thing.” She wagged her hand at him and the outside. “Sitting up all night, waiting to nab a trespasser…this is above and beyond. I know it’s for Logan, but it shows the extent of your dependability.”
“Or maybe it just shows that I love doing shit like this, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it my profession. But keep going…tell me how great I am.” His lips ticked up.
“You try to act like everything’s a big joke, but at the heart of it you’re a really good person. I’m sorry Jersey Girl lost your baby. You would’ve made a good dad, even if you were too young to start a family.”
He didn’t say anything and let the statement sink in. “She lost the baby because she took sleeping pills—an entire vial. Her sister found her unconscious and called 9-1-1, but by the time the ambulance got her to the hospital, she was dead.” He didn’t talk about it. Not then, not later, not ever until now, because he wasn’t a good boyfriend. Not even close. “She didn’t want to have the baby, but I pressured her to go through with it. I didn’t even love her…jeez, we were barely eighteen. Who knows what love is at that age? We grew up together, came from the same neighborhood, same Italian families. Back then, I thought it was enough to get married and raise our baby together. But she knew better. She knew I was dooming her to a life of unhappiness.”
Raylene adjusted her seat upright. “It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for her suicide. With all due respect, she didn’t have to marry you if she didn’t want to. She didn’t have to have the baby, or she could’ve put the baby up for adoption, or let you raise it. She had choices. Would it have been better if you’d walked away from her?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve spent the last fifteen years wondering.”
“Well, stop wondering. You stepped up because you’re a good man. My guess is she was fighting a lot of demons to have swallowed all those pills. You can’t shoulder that kind of responsibility.”
He thought about what she said. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t told himself a dozen times, but the guilt never subsided. Still, it was good to hear the words, to be absolved. Lord knew he hadn’t been able to forgive himself.
“It taught me a valuable lesson,” he said. “I don’t ever want to be responsible for someone’s happiness. Ever.”
“You shouldn’t have to be. Everyone should be responsible for their own. I had to learn that the hard way.”
