Page 94 of How to Hide in Plain Sight
Oh, you love her, do you?
No.
I stumble midrun. Let go of Clara’s hand.
No. You can’t be here right now.
And you can’t love a child you just met. That’s wrong. That’s disgusting.
“No-pants dance party!” Clara squeals, reaching for her sundress.
I try to snatch at her arms. “Clara, n—”
But it’s too late.
She rips off her dress. I look away, terrified, before I can see any exposed part of her body. Somewhere on the other side of the party, her parents spy her naked body and laugh.
Please, I try to beg the Worries. Please, don’t do it.
It’s too late, they whisper.You think you can escape this? Check your body. Look at the child, then check your body to see the truth.
Check my body? As in, check for the pulse?
Yes.
Fine, I think. But you’re wrong. I’m not going to feel anything. I’m not a pe—
I feel a pulse.
I look at Clara, and I check my body, and I feel a pulse.
Of course I do.
My breath drags heavily in and out of my chest.Please, no, I think.No, no, no.
But it’s too late. Far too late.
I’m already running.
—
I TEAR OUT OF THEbackyard and sprint up the stairs to the Valdecasases’ office. Toggle the mouse to turn on the computer. Type in their password:manuel01. Open the browser. Type,symptoms of pedophilia. Recognize that I’m an eighteen-year-old girl googling whether or not she’s a pedophile. Try to stop myself from clicking on any of the results. Click on the first one I see, an article fromPsychology Today.
Symptoms of Pedophilia
People have had repeated, intense sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving a child or children (usually aged 13 years or under).
People feel greatly distressed or become less able to function well (at work, in their family, or in interactions with friends), or they have acted on their urges.
