Page 116 of How to Hide in Plain Sight
“Eliot.”
“No.Stop.You don’t know. You think you do, but…I’m sorry. I h-hate myself. I do.” I stumbled forward. Manuel caught me. I sunk into the depths of his arms. “I don’t understand…why my brain won’t just l-leave…leave me alone.”
I felt the tears try to disappear, like they always did, but I didn’t let them. I forced them out, wringing the sadness from my gut likethe last drops of dirty dish soap. It was loud. That strange hiccupping noise, the one that sounds like laughter. Gulps and gasps, the constant search for oxygen.
When the tears finally started to subside, all was quiet. Speedy had vanished. Manuel’s chest rose and fell.
“Eliot.”
I didn’t look up at him. I was too afraid of what I might see.
“Eliot.”
I clung tighter to his body.
After a moment, two fingers landed lightly on the bottom of my chin. My neck crinkled as Manuel tipped my face up to look up at him. His eyes searched mine.
“What?” I asked.
“I wish…” he started, then trailed off. He glanced away, then back to me. “I wish you could see yourself the way that I do. The way that…that everyone does.”
I started to shake my head, but he stopped me. He laid one hand on either side of my face, stilling the motion before it could even begin.
“Eliot,” he said. “You are not a bad person.”
I tried to shake my head again. “You don’t—”
“Yes, I do. I know you. In fact, I know you better than I know anyone else on this entire planet. You’re…stubborn and impulsive and moody, and it’s next to impossible to get you to shut up once you get going.”
I coughed out a laugh.
“But you’re also my best friend. You’re the girl who defended me from bullies twice her size. Who made me sit through terrible dramatic readings in Spanish. Who took me into her family, who forced me to dance, who radiated sunshine so bright it was sometimes hard for me to look at. And losing you”—he choked—“losing you hurt more than anything I’ve felt in my entire life.”
Tears started to run down my face again.
“You are a daughter beloved by her parents, a sister adored by her siblings, and my best friend in the whole fucking universe.” He paused. “But you arenotthe thoughts in your head. Do you hear me?”
I tried to hear him. I did.
“Those thoughts—the ones that scare you so much? They don’t scare me, Eliot. They don’t scare me one bit. And you don’t…you don’t have to hold them all by yourself.” His hands gripped my cheeks tighter. “You never have. I’m here. I’m here, Eliot. Let me carry them with you.”
I choked on nothing, on air. I was falling. I was falling so fast.
“I have to tell you something else.”
My eyes flicked up to his. “What?”
“It’s about that night. The one right before I left for college.”
My chest constricted. My eyes fell.
This is it, I thought.I have to tell him. After what he just said…This is the moment where I come clean. When he finally hates me, once and for all.
But then—
“I already know what happened.”
“You…” My eyes darted back up. “What?”
