Page 106 of How to Hide in Plain Sight
Let it hurt.
This is your fate.
“You know what?” He leaned his massive frame over my head and pushed open the screen door. “Don’t answer that. I don’t care.” He held it open, and I stumbled inside. “We’re done here.”
He let go of the door. It swung shut.
Something sharp stabbed my calf. The corner of my porch bed. I closed my eyes and leaned backward. The corner pressed harder. I felt the shallow crater it made in my flesh. When I opened my eyes and looked down, I didn’t recognize my feet as being attached to my body.
We’re done here.
I crawled into bed and pulled the comforter up until it covered my entire body, like a morgue sheet. Like a dead body finally giving in to itsfate.
PART IV
TheWedding
35
NOW
TODAY’S THE BIG DAY. HOORAY.Think I’ll celebrate by staying in bed all morning.
36
NOW
I’M AN ADDICT.
I admit it, okay?
My name is Eliot Beck and I’m an a-d-d-i-c-t.
—
DID YOU KNOW YOU CANbe addicted to nothing? To thesensationof nothing? You can crave the ability to look inside yourself and find nothing, no guilt, no sadness. No anxiety or terror or unfounded doom. No memories threatening to eat you alive from the inside out.
That’s what obsessive work gave me. That was its blissful result. It cleared everything out, leaving only space for the next task and the next and the next.
As soon as you first achieve that feeling, it’s over. You’re toast. To look inside yourself and find nothing, nothing at all, just silence, just emptiness—it feels good. Fuck, it feelssogood. Better than sex. Better than any pill or bottle or puff of smoke pulled into your lungs and pushed out, way out, gathering into a delicate cloud before disappearing altogether.
37
NOW
THE WEDDING WAS IN THREEhours. Doubtless they were all gathered around the massive mirror in my parents’ bedroom, the whole bridal party, drinking champagne and smearing lipstick onto each other’s faces. The boys were to get ready in Chelsea Morning, but really they were goofing off on the water trampoline. I could hear their happy hollering from the screened-in porch of Little Lies. They probably wouldn’t even change out of their swimsuits until the very last minute.
Helene stuck her head into my cabin to invite me to come get ready with the rest of the bridal party. I told her I wasn’t feeling well. That I should just get ready alone. That I didn’t want to risk getting her sick. She walked over and gave me a willowy hug. Then she looked me in the eyes and said, “Don’t worry about the wedding. You just focus on feeling better. Okay?”
Well. I definitely felt worse after that.
All addicts are liars.
My father told me that when I was fifteen. By then, I knew all about his past: the cocaine, the alcohol, the ultimatum from my mom. Everything.
I know what you’re thinking.If you’re an addict, you’re thinking,that means you’re a liar. How can I believe what you say?
It’s a valid question. And I’ve got the answer for you.
