Page 86 of Guy's Girl
She can’t help but think of Adrian. Of his words in the cherry tree field, about the body having instincts of its own. She can’t help but wonder if the war taking place inside her at that very moment is really a war of the body versus mind. The need for food versus the learned desire for thinness. She thinks it might be.
I should start doing my own research on bulimia, she thinks.It might be good for me.
She used to be in denial about her disease. That’s the first stage,right? Denial. Except, she’s fairly certain that denial is the first stage of grief, and she doesn’t know what she’s grieving.
***
That night, Ginny can’t sleep. She paces around her room, trying not to go out into the kitchen to get moresajtos. Then, when that doesn’t work, she leaves her bedroom and just stands beside the kitchen island, telling herself she won’t open the refrigerator. But the desire to open the refrigerator is so overwhelming that she has to do something else, anything else.
So, she does the first thing she thinks of: she turns around and walks up the staircase.
Creeps is more like it. She assumes Eszter sleeps with one eye and one ear open.
When she reaches the top-floor landing, she glances between the doors. She has never been to Adrian’s room before, but she goes inside his grandparents’ for her daily shower. The door furthest to the left, then.
She turns the handle and cracks it open, not bothering to knock. If Adrian is already asleep, she doesn’t want to wake him. And if he’s changing—well, it’s nothing she hasn’t seen before.
His lights are off. Asleep, then. She starts to shut the door, but Adrian rolls over, squinting through the moonlight. “Ginny?”
“Yeah. Sorry. It’s me.” She backs away from the door. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll go.”
“No, it’s fine.” He sits up in bed. “What’s up?”
“Oh. Just.” She steps inside and closes the door behind her. “Can I maybe... lie down with you?”
“Of course.” He scoots over in bed, pulling down the comforter to let her crawl inside. It’s warm but not hot beside him, as if his body barely gives off any heat at all. She lays her head on the pillow, facing the white-painted ceiling, where plastic glow-in-the-dark stars shine dimly.
“Imre put them up when I was a kid,” Adrian whispers. “Back then, I wanted to be an astronaut.” He pauses. “Or a movie star. Either way.”
“You could easily be a movie star.”
“But not an astronaut? You wound me, Ginny.”
She laughs. “I just mean that you’re handsome enough for it.”
“Hmm.”
They lie there quietly for a few minutes.
“Adrian,” she says finally. “Do you think I’m fat now?”
“What?” His head turns on the pillow. “What are you talking about?”
“The weight. I’ve been gaining weight, obviously. I mean, I wasn’t keeping my food down before, but I am now, so...”
“So, you’re gaining weight. You’resupposedto gain weight. But from what I’ve seen, you’ve barely gained any at all.”
“That’s not true.” She starts to get frustrated. “Really. I’m not crazy. I can prove it to you.” She reaches down and takes his hand. “You and I, we’ve been together before. You’ve seen my breasts. You’ve felt them, too.” She places his hand atop her right breast, over her T-shirt. “See? It’s bigger.Muchbigger.”
Adrian doesn’t move his hand. He doesn’t seem certain of what he’s supposed to do. “I don’t—”
“Look.” She moves his hand down and slips it underneath her T-shirt, sliding his fingers up her stomach until his palm rests flat atop her bare breast. “There. Can you feel it now?”
Adrian doesn’t answer. He seems to have stopped breathing.
“Do you believe me now?” she asks, impatient.
Instead of answering, his palm draws back, just a touch. Just enough to allow his fingers to run light circles around her nipple.
