Page 92 of Guy's Girl
“You—” His eyes widen. “What?”
“I love you,” she says, her voice rising in volume. “I fucking love you, Adrian, goddammit. And I’m tired of hiding it.”
Silence.
The longest silence of her life.
His eyes rove her face. They seem to be looking for something. Or maybe they’re just taking in as much information as possible because his thoughts seem to move rapidly, as rapidly as the darting of his pupils—from her nose to her chin to her forehead to the shape of her lips. He’s weighing all the options. She can see it plain as day: he’s not thinking with his heart; he’s thinking with his head.
She knows what his answer will be before he says it.
His face crumples.
And that’s when she starts to cry.
Sorry. I don’t know how to
I’m finding it hard to
Let me just record what I can.
After Adrian didn’t tell me he loved me, I sort of blacked out. I don’t remember everything about the conversation afterward. I know I was sobbing—and not the cute kind of crying. The gross kind, where snot dribbles down your face and your eyes hurt afterward.
When I black back in, I remember him saying:
“Not you. Nothing to do with you. It’s all me.I’mthe one who’s fucked up.”
I didn’t reply. I just sobbed into my open palm.
“I’m the one who has never held down a serious relationship. You’re the closest I’ve ever come. This here, it’s the closest I’ve ever come.”
“You don’t love me back.”
“Ginny, I—”
“It’s the weight, isn’t it? All the weight I’ve gained? Fuck. I knew it.”
“No, Ginny, it’s not that at all. It’s just—this was just—I don’tknowwhat this was.”
“You don’t know what this was,” I repeated.
“That’s not what I meant. When I meant was—I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I care for you so much—more than you could ever know—but I don’t... I don’t know if this will last forever. If our relationship would last forever. If I knew that it would, I would be all in, but we’re so young still, and...”
“Together forever?” I shook my head. “Together forever? That’s a fantasy, Adrian. You can’t know thatanythingwill last forever. Not the job you take, or the person you date, or even the lives of the people you love. Don’t you see that?”
“I don’t—”
“That’s life, Adrian. Everything is a calculated risk. Everything is partly chance. You can never have all the information.That’slife.”
He fell silent, eyes on his lap.
“Just say it.”
He looked up. “Say what?”
“Say you don’t like me. Say we’ll never be together.”
“I don’t— God, I don’t know aboutnever. I just know that, right now, I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I know it’s fucked up. I know thatI’mfucked up. But I’ve always been like this, Gin. For as long as I can remember. And I wish... God, I wish...”
