Page 21 of Guy's Girl
So she does the same. She runs into the bathroom, places a hand on either side of the toilet, and vomits.
***
In the morning, the first thing Ginny does is return to the mirror. She’s in nothing but a baggy cotton T-shirt and lace underwear. She lifts the hem of the shirt, turning sideways to inspect her belly.
To her great relief, she sees none of the pouch from the night before. Her 2 a.m. vomit must have reversed the damage.
Hmm, she thinks.That’s a neat trick.
***
“You were together five hours last night, and he didn’t evenkissyou?”
It’s Saturday morning. Ginny picked up bagels from Blackseed for the boys. Now they’re gathered around the coffee table, spreading cream cheese and picking apart Ginny’s night. In the corner,Tristan and Finch fight wordlessly for control of the aux—a daily ritual, for them. Finch always wants to play indie bands they’ve never heard of. Tristan always wants to play Doja Cat.
Ginny digs out a mournful glob of chive spread with her knife. “No.”
“But you guys have already slept in the same bed,” Tristan says over his shoulder as he tries and fails to grab the aux out of Finch’s hand.
“I know.”
“And he had no problem kissing you then.”
“Iknow.”
“Oh, come on.” Clay takes a bite out of his sesame bagel. “This is Silvas we’re talking about. No one knows why he does anything.”
Ginny drags the knife through the cream cheese, carving a long valley. She doesn’t want to eat her bagel. She doesn’t want to eat anything. “Maybe he just doesn’t like me.”
Clay waves a hand. “No guy spends five hours with a girl he doesn’t like.”
Ginny disagrees. It may have been years since she last desired to be desired, but she remembers how the game works. She remembers from Andy, and from Finch. She remembers how physical actions—kissing, touching, sex—are evidence of a man’s attraction. If Adrian didn’t kiss her, what else is she supposed to assume?
Growing up, Ginny never worried about her physical appearance. About her desirability. Between her streaky blond hair, symmetrical face, clear skin, generous hips, and thin waist, she knew boys lusted after her. Even after Andy broke up with her, his continuing desire to sleep with her told her that she was, at the very least, still wanted. Still worthy.
During freshman year of college, she began to doubt. Began tosuspect that maybe there was something wrong with her. It was just a quiet thought, a seed, but it dropped into the soft soil of her mind and started to sprout.
Of course, once she bought into the internal dictatorship that is anorexia, men fell out of her thoughts. There was no space; her mind was utterly consumed by food. Ginny threw mud atop the seed and pretended it wasn’t there. It worked.
Until now.
“Don’t stress, Gin.” It’s the first thing Finch has said all conversation. Ginny looks over at him. He doesn’t meet her gaze, instead scrolling through music on his phone. “Silvas is a great guy, but when it comes to dating, he never takes initiative. Ever.” He clicks on a song, causing twangy guitar music to filter out of the speaker, and looks up at her. “You need to be with someone who will fight for you.”
Ginny stares back at him.You mean, like you never did?
On the table, her phone buzzes. Everyone looks down.
It’s Adrian.
Ginny hiccups.
“Well, would you look at that?” says Clay, leaning back into the couch and cupping his hands behind his red hair. “Things are only just warming up.”
***
She’s watching Netflix in bed when the bagel starts inching up her throat. It’s the strangest sensation—a lump right at the center of her esophagus that seems to knock at a door just below her chin.Hello!the food says.Us again.
She presses two fingers to her larynx. What’s happening? Why isn’t the food going down? Is it the cream cheese? She knows dairy is harsh on the stomach. Of course, it could also be all the puking yesterday. Maybe her esophagus is stuck in reverse.
