Page 10 of Miles. Alton & The 9:04
“Testy.Testy.But I'm on the way,” Jiminy said, making haste to get to Thom's place.
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THOM STOOD ON THE BACKporch of the small empire he was attempting to build.He took offense to Petr Qwill gnawing away at months of planning, measuring, and carefully crafting the chair as a metaphor for his life.He had carefully crafted a plan to get himself a wife, a little woman to work alongside him to build his vision.At this point, he wanted to fly to New York and thump that Coraline woman in her neck.In his heart, he wanted to request a refund for the services unrendered, but he didn't pay the fee.Mateo paid it for him.
“Maybe I'm asking for the wrong thing,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets.“Maybe I'm ugly and nobody told me.They liked me on the phone and enjoyed talking to me, and I sexualized none of it.Maybe that was the problem.I'm not sexually appealing?”
Doubts crept into his mind after being physically and mentally rejected in person by two women who’d anxiously awaited his calls each week.Tomorrow was the last of the three he'd chosen, and if it didn't work out, he wasn't putting himself through the process again to start over.
“They all made it seem so simple.Macalister, Adriano, Kimbrae, Mateo, Jeremy, but not for me,” he said aloud, watching Jiminy pull into the drive space.
“Hey!”Jiminy called out as he unloaded the red wagon from the back of the pickup.
“Hey nothing,” Thom said.“You live ten miles down the road.How did Petr even get here?”
Jiminy shrugged his shoulders like a kid when asked who broke Mom's favorite lamp.“Maybe his porcupine balls are dropping.”
“What?”
“Petr is becoming mature and has begun spraying urine.I think he's ready to find him a porcupette to love on,” Jiminy said.“Could be why he's traveled so far from home, making him hungry like this.He's looking for porcupine love.Hey, speaking of love, I thought number two was going to be here.”
Thom didn't want to discuss it with Jiminy or anyone.He simply had nothing to say on the matter.However, Jiminy had plenty to say.
“Hey, speaking of balls dropping,” Jiminy said, cutting his eyes at Thom.“George Carter was at the Hunt and Peck when you came in with the mousy little ghost hunting, beekeeping, stamp-collecting lady.She sure has a lot of hobbies, which won't leave a lot of time for loving on you.Is that what happened?”
“I'm beginning to wonder if George Carter is stalking me,” Thom countered.
“No, people like you.They want to see you in a relationship with a little oddball woman who gets you, plus you're weird in a non-threatening way,” he explained.
“Jiminy, I'm tired.The last two days have taken a chunk out of me, and I have one more to go,” he said.
“Hey.I'm here.I know you took down something to throw on the grill.You need some company and Petr is enjoying that chair,” he said.“I'll replace the wood and even work with you to rebuild the chair, but I'm more worried about you.”
“You need to be worried about your horny porcupine.”
Jiminy’s bushy eyebrows shot up on his wide forehead.“Hey.Do you ever wonder how they do it?”
Thom didn't know if he liked Jiminy or not.The man was odd and started nearly every sentence with hey, as if he needed to get your attention before speaking.Maybe he was having an off day and didn't want to handle any nonsense.
“Jiminy, what are you talking about?”
“Porcupines.How do they mate?I mean, I don't want to go searching for videos or anything like I'm searching for porcupine porn, but do you think the sow, that's the girl porcupine, flattens her quills for the hog right before he's about to climb on and do his business?”
“I honestly think I don't like you,” Thom said.
“Hey.I was trying to do some research on it and found they can do it in a tree,” Jiminy explained.“I'm thinking, she raises her tail, like a porcupine skirt, and covers the quills to give him access to the love hole.”
“Go home.Please, just go home.”
Jiminy was quiet.He watched Petr gnawing on the plywood Thom had used to make the chairs.It was the resin in the plywood that Petr was enjoying.It reminded him of his wife when she first learned there were sexual techniques she enjoyed more than others.
“I never talked about Sophia, my wife, and what happened,” Jiminy said.“She liked raising her skirt, too.I mean, hey, since I worked nights, she didn't want to disturb my sleep, so I got her the She-shed for the backyard.I installed a camera system, you know, just in case, with her offering private yoga sessions back there, something would go awry.I didn't install it to spy on her, but my cousin Milbert don't know nuffin' bout no yoga, and he was coming back there every day, especially after I went to work.”
“Jiminy, I'm sorry that happened to you.”
“Hey.Don't be,” he said.“I have learned in my life that not everything that happens is happening to you, but sometimes for you.See, Sophia was a good girl.She didn't have a hoe phase in college because she never went to college or traveled or did anything until she met me.I showed her a different life with yearly vacations and weekend getaways, but then she discovered yoga.Something in her opened up and her hoe phase kicked in.Being able to put her right toe behind her ear must have realigned her love hole or something, because that thing was constantly damp.I couldn't keep up with the demand and honestly, I felt like a slab of meat with how often she rode me.After a while, it turned me off instead of on.That's why she turned to Milbert.He's a hoe and nothing phases that dude.”
“Dear Lord, stop talking,” Thom whispered.
