Page 94 of The Lost Zone
There was an expression of surprise on Gideon’s face. “That’s lovely, Alex, and very well reasoned. What made you come to this hard conclusion?”
“Joe,” Alex said softly. “Tyler has been wounded like Joe was. They are hurt and broken by the loss of someone they loved. Both Peter’s death and my mother’s were sudden, brutal, and unexpected, leaving them lost and alone in the world. Poor Joe. Poor George.”
“And poor Alex,” Gideon murmured, leaning in to press a little kiss to his cheek. Alex looked at him in surprise. “You’ve lost people you loved too – your mother and Solange. It could be argued that it’s worse for you because of the guilt you feel about your part in their deaths. You know how it feels.”
“Yes, I do.” Alex gave a wan smile.
Every evening ended the same way, with Alex gazing into the mirror while Gideon watched him hum his song in his head and empty his face of emotion. He’d done it so often now that it was second nature. Gideon practised making him do it at the most bizarre times to ensure he could – during his gym workouts, in C’s office, and during rec time with the other students. Alex was feeling more and more confident that he could summon up the mask at will now, no matter what he was feeling.
“Imagine they’re playing your song.” Gideon smiled at him as he took up position in front of the mirror.
The familiar words rose immediately in Alex’s mind.
Make me a channel of your peace…
His face emptied, his eyes becoming blank.
“There is one last thing I must ask of you,” Gideon said, standing behind him and gazing at his reflection in the mirror. He often threw things at Alex during this time to catch him off guard and make him drop the mask, but it had been weeks since Alex had last been caught out.
“Yes, Gideon,” Alex murmured, his face expressionless.
“Your photographs. You can’t take them back to your houder’s house. Isn’t it time you stopped gazing at them every night before bed?”
Alex’s mask faltered, his eyes flickering. Not his photos. He needed them. The idea of facing the world without looking at the people he loved most… it was too much.
“And there we have it,” Gideon observed as the mask fell away, revealing Alex’s stricken expression all too clearly.
“Damn it,” Alex swore at himself. “I thought I’d mastered this.” He whirled around to look Gideon in the eye. “You’re right. I know you’re right. It’s just so hard.”
“I won’tmakeyou give them up. You must choose to do it. But you can hardly go back to Mr Tyler’s house with a photo of the woman he killed in your possession, can you?” Gideon challenged. Then, before Alex could reply, he ended their session as he always did, with a little bow. “Namaste.”
Alex returned to his room and sought out the stash of photos he kept in his bedside table. They were a little the worse for wear for being pored over so often, with grubby marks and folds, but he still loved looking at them. How was Joe doing now? he wondered. Surely, after so many months, the rawness of his grief must have faded? How were his father and Charles coping? How was his father’s health now? And Solange – could he carry out his mission without gazing at her photo every day? Supposing he forgot what she looked like: the tilt of her head, and the gentle wistfulness of her smile? As for his mother… No. He wasn’t ready. He placed the photos back in the drawer and slipped into bed.
A few days later, as he stared at himself in the gym mirror, Gideon said the words he’d dreaded hearing.
“I spoke to Mr Tyler today. He wants you to return.”
“No.” The mask slipped in an instant.
Gideon sighed. “These are precisely the moments – when you are stressed and distressed – that you most need to keep your thoughts to yourself, not plaster them all over your face,” he reprimanded.
“Were you just testing me, or did Tyler really ask for my return?” Alex asked, gazing at himself in the mirror again, trying to reconnect with his song. His heart was pounding, but Gideon was right; he had to be able to do this.
“He called me today and made it clear his patience is wearing thin,” Gideon said, watching him closely. Alex saw a flicker in his own reflection, caught the subtle downturn of his mouth and the expression of horror that flitted through his eyes. It wasn’t good enough. “I said you weren’t ready yet but that you’re close. I bought you a little more time,” Gideon added.
“How much time?”
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Alex repeated the words in his mind, allowing them to soothe him. He’d always known this day would come. He had no choice in it, only in how he reacted to it. Nobody must know how he really felt. He gazed at Gideon blankly. It didn’t matter what the answer was. It was out of his control.
“I don’t know.” Gideon shrugged. “But you must prepare yourself, Alex. Make the most of the time you have left with us. Learn all you can.”
