Page 70 of On My Side
If I didn’t have an IUD, the odds of me getting pregnant again would be embarrassingly high.
He grasps my hips like if he loosens his grip, I’ll disappear. Like the idea of me getting away is absolutely unacceptable to him.
“Will you touch me?” I ask, surprised at how breathless I sound.
His touch is gentle as he reaches up and grasps my witch hat by the brim, tossing it absently behind me. “How?”
Being celibate for a decade and a half meant I had lots of time to fantasize about dozens of different ways having sex again could go. And now that I’m here… I don’t know.
“Why don’t we figure it out as we go?” he offers, brushing my hair off my shoulder. It’s like he can sense my anxiety, my hesitation.
I cup his face in my hands, searching his eyes and finding the same things I always do when we’ve been here: lust, passion, patience, kindness. I trace his lips with my thumb, enjoying how his breath hitches. It feels like he wants me as much as I want him.
“I’ll be so good to you, Audrey,” he whispers, and I believe him. I tilt his face and capture his mouth with mine, taken aback by how gentle and soft it is compared to the previous times. I want to ravish him, for him to ravishme. I want it hard and fast and rough and to take my pleasure, but he knows Ineedit like this. It’s as if he’s telling me,it’s just me. I’ve got you, I promise. Iwant us exactly as we are.It’s gentle and intimate and it makes me want to sob.
He’s the first to break the kiss, and his breath is heavy. “Will you take me to bed?” he asks, and I want to scream because how is he unbearably sexy and fucking warm and soft at once? “I want to see where you touch yourself to Sky.”
I groan, suddenly bashful, and bury my face in his neck. He chuckles and moves his right hand from my hip to cup the back of my head, softly threading his fingers through my hair. “It’s alright sweetheart. We can stay right here if you’d rather. We can rewind the movie and watch Drew Barrymore’s violent demise again, if that’s what you need.”
I smile against his neck. His patience around sex heals the scared teenager within me who saw how quickly sex could ruin everything. The devastated girl who learned how drastically sex could change lives, the young woman who felt unworthy of it, and the adult who has avoided it ever since.
I lift my head and nod. “Okay.”
“Yeah?” he asks, his hand moving to cup the side of my neck. “You’ll tell me if something isn’t okay?”
“Yes,” I promise him. “And you’ll tell me?”
He nods. “I will.”
I move to stand and he frowns at me, hands grasping my hips again. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“I’m taking you to the bedroom?” I say, confused.
“Bold assumption I don’t want to carry you.”
I laugh. “Ren, you can’t. I’m heavier than I look. I—agh!” I shriek and wrap my arms and legs around him as he suddenly gets to his feet, easily lifting my more than two-hundred-pound body.
I need to stop thinking he can’t get hotter, because I’mwrongevery damn time.
“Kiss me,” he breathes as he carries me down the hall.
I do. Hard and desperate this time with scraping teeth and tangled tongues and moans and grunts as he stumbles through the house, bouncing off walls and into picture frames. It’s so good and—
“Oh god, Piper,” I gasp, pulling away.
His brow furrows. “It’s, uh, Ren actually.”
I bark out a laugh and press my lips to his jaw, his stubble rough against the sensitive skin. “No, no, I haven’t checked my phone in a while. I want to make sure she’s okay and I left my phone on the table…”
“Hey.” His voice is so soft I can’t help but peer up at him. “I don’t want to tell you how to parent… but you’re allowed to enjoy yourself. Piper’s a smart kid, and I’m sure she’ll call if she needs you.”
I bite my lip. He’s right, yet I’m still nervous. What if this is the one time she can’t get through? What if I’m having wild, animal sex and she gets hurt? What if…
“I’ll put you on your bed and get your phone,” he says gently. “We can keep it on the nightstand, face up if that’ll make you feel better. Okay? We can take breaks for you to check and…”
I swallow his words with another hard kiss. He’s not telling me my anxiety is unfounded, or that I’m a helicopter mom, and he’s not letting me spiral or deny myself either. He’s meeting me exactly where I am. I always thought putting Piper first would mean I would never be able to give myself to someone else besides her.
Maybe I was right, because until him, no one accepted me exactly as I am, but now, Ren has me thinking that one day, maybe I can try.
