Page 63 of On My Side
But her adultisright there, looking at us wide eyed, like she’s as taken aback by this as I am.
I wrap my arms around Piper and hug her back. “Make good choices, pipsqueak,” I say, awkwardly patting her on her back.
“Birdie, next time ask before touching someone,” Audrey says, like it took her a moment to find her voice.
“Is it okay if I hug you, Mr. Q?” Piper asks, voice muffled.
“Meow,” Leia says, dangling from Piper’s arm.
“Yeah. It’s okay if you hug me.”
Finally, Piper pulls away and skips off to kiss Audrey on her cheek. Audrey’s brows are furrowed in what I assume is confusion.
“Thanks for letting me crash girls’ night,” I tell her, putting on my jacket.
Audrey unlocks the door and we both step out onto the porch. “Thanks for coming. You chose a strange night to come—someone swapped brains with my child.”
I laugh. “Why do you say that?”
“She was so… touchy-feely. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen that child initiate physical contact with someone who wasn’t me or Aunt Liv.”
There’s a lump in my throat. “I… oh.” How the hell do you respond to that?
“I’m afraid I’ve passed on my general distrust of people to her,” Audrey continues, adjusting the fall-themed wreath hanging on her door. “Nobody really stuck around for me, especially after I was pregnant.
“No one was on my side. It felt like it was me and a tiny little creature in my body against the world. I don’t… I don’t want Piper to ever think she has to be a certain way to deserve love. I’ve worked hard to keep her safe and affirm the things that make life more difficult for her, but I’m scared of how capable people are of causing hurt.”
“You’re a good mom, Aud,” I whisper, voice thick. “Piper’s an incredible kid and you can tell it’s because of how much you love her.”
She wipes away a tear. Fuck, I don’t want her to cry. “That’s a kind thing to say.”
“It’s atruething to say,” I insist. I clench my fists by my side instead of lifting my hand, cupping her cheek, and wiping away her tears like I so want to.
“What if I held her back? What if by trying to keep her safe, I was the one to hurt her instead? What if… no. Iknowshe’d be better if I were better. If I had my shit together instead of… this mess.” She lifts her arms and lets them flop to her sides, as if motioning to the so-called mess.
“But then she wouldn’t be that incredible human inside.” I take a step closer to her. “Piper is who she is because of whoyouare. Because of every choice you made over the course of your entire life. Yeah, it led to the shitty stuff too, but parents hurt their kids. Sometimes intentionally, but most of the time not. Most of the time, I wouldn’t say they’re bad parents. They’re just human, and personally, I’m glad you’re human,” I finish my monologue anti-climatically.
Audrey stares at her feet and nods. “I keep thinking you don’t know me, you don’t know us. I’ve successfully manipulated you into thinking I’m not a piece of shit and I feel guilty because I didn’tmeanto manipulate you and…”
“Audrey,” I say gently. “Look at me.”
She reluctantly lifts her watery eyes. I want her to believe she’s not the horrible person she’s somehow convinced herself she is. That she didn’t deserve the way people treated her in the past.
“You mentioned you see a therapist before. Do they know you feel this way?”
She laughs emptily. “Oh, Eva iswellaware of the shitshow that is my brain. Depression is a bitch, just so you know.”
“Trust me, I know. That’s why I run so much. Running, bi-weekly therapy, and sixty milligrams of fluoxetine are the best treatment for me. My brain tells me the same things about myself, and sometimes I believe them, too.”
She’s staring at me like she’s never seen me before, which is impossible considering she’s the only person whoactuallysees me.
“Do you have any hobbies or anything you can do when your brain is an asshole?” I ask her.
Her cheeks flush. “Unfortunately, my normal form of stress relief is off-limits now.”
I furrow my brow. “Why?”
Her blush deepens under the faint glow of the porch light, and I can see the tear tracks on her cheeks.
