Page 51 of On My Side
That gets Ren to glance at me. “I’m not him, you know,” he says softly. “He’s a part I play. It’s a job. One I enjoy, but I’mnot…” He huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. “I’m actually demisexual, you know. I need an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction and… and it’s a farce. I’m not this sex god like him.”
I must be a twelve-year-old boy because I actively have to stifle my giggle at Ren saying the wordsex. I try to school my face, because he just came out to me, and I know that means something. He shared a part of himself he hadn’t shared previously, trusted me with a new piece of the puzzle that is Ren Quinn. “Okay.”
“I get that you want him,” Ren continues, dropping his arms to his side and lifting one hand to run his fingers anxiously along his gold chain. “Who doesn’t, right? Have you seen the subreddit?” He laughs nervously as I blush and duck my head, face giving away the fact that I have indeed seen the subreddit. “I don’t blame you for cutting me off when you realized it was me. I can’t live up to him.”
“Ren,” I take a step towards him, “No. I haven’t been able to get off to a Sky audio since…” I trail off, too afraid to admit it to him, to myself.
“Since when?” he asks quietly.
Since I realized how amazing you are. How generous and kind and my fantasies started including you staying for breakfast and being my person. Since I realized Ren was infinitely better than Sky, and I couldn’t have either.
“It doesn’t matter,” I shake my head and look down again. “I… shouldn’t be talking about me getting off.”
I can hear his quick intake of breath. “Why did you come?”
“I came to give you hell and I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at it,” I say helplessly.
“Sweetheart, you’re doing a wonderful job giving me hell,” he reassures.
“No, you don’t get to do that.” I meet his eyes again and point a threatening index finger at him. “You don’t get to call me pet names like I mean something to you.”
“You think you mean nothing to me?” He reels back, like I told him the pope isn’t Catholic. “Of course you mean something to me.”
“Not like that,” I say, throat dry. “Not in a sweetheart way.”
“Audrey, come on. I can’t keep playing these games where we dance around each other and our feelings.”
I flush. “Ren, no…”
He takes a step toward me and my breath stutters from being closer to him. There’s still around a foot of space between us, but he’scloser.
“You’re going to tell me you don’t feel this? You don’t feel whatever the hell this is between us?”
I squeeze my eyes closed, unable to look him in the eye. “Yes. I… I don’t feel anything.”
“Bullshit,” he says simply, and I hear the floorboards creak as he takes another step towards me. “I’m calling bullshit.”
“We can’t,” I whisper, eyes opening and heart pounding in my chest as I peer at him. I take a shaky step back. “Ren…we can’t.Ican’t.”
“Because you don’t want to? Or because you don’t like what I do for a second job?”
My jaw drops and I notice the sadness in his eyes. “Ren, I swear, I don’t care about that. That isn’t a deterrent.”
“Then what is?” He takes another step forward, and I take one back, my ass pressing against the door. “Because I know how muchIwant you. I know how you make me feel. I know I can’t stop thinking about you, even when I’m recording.”
A shiver dances down my spine at the knowledge he imagines me the way I imagine him.
“I feel like I’m losing my mind because I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you. So what is it, Aud? Tell me.”
“Ren, you were a kid when I got pregnant,” I say shakily, and he takes another step towards me. I can’t take my eyes off of him, and I should feel cornered, trapped…but I don’t. “But it was bad. You saw how Celia treated me at the diner. If we were together, you’d get that too. You deserve so much better.”
His brow furrows, and he lifts his hand, tucking a piece of hair behind the earpiece of my glasses. “I don’t want better, Audrey. I want you, however you’ll let me have you.”
For a moment, all I hear is our heavy breaths. I don’t think I’ve ever been wanted for me before. IknowI’ve never been looked at this way. Like he’s stuck in the desert and I’m fresh water. Like I’m the moon and he’s the tide. Like I’mnecessaryto his very existence.
“We shouldn’t,” I manage to whisper, and my heart clenches as he steps back.
“Okay,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets and avoiding my eyes. “I’m… I’m not gonna push you.”
