Page 110 of On My Side
I know what I have to do.
I make eye contact with Mrs. Quinn, seeing so much of Ren in her: in the way her nose is slightly turned up at the end, in her long eyelashes and the shape of her mouth. In the shape of her dark chocolate eyes and the way she seems to understand what I need without saying it.
“I think I left the salad dressings in the fridge,” she says, getting to her feet. “Audrey, would you mind helping me?”
“Yep,” I say easily, standing and following her into the kitchen.
“We literally have five different salad dressings already,” Leo mutters.
Mrs. Quinn goes to the sink to wash her hands, and I inhale shakily preparing myself for what I know I have to say.
“I think I’m in love with Ren.”
Okay,whoa. That was not what I thought I was going to say.
Mrs. Quinn, however, seems unmoved by my impromptu and personally shocking love confession. “I can tell,” she says, turning off the sink and reaching for an embroidered hand towelto dry her hands. “You came to dinner even though you didn’t want to.”
Her back is still to me, and I think not being able to see her face makes me braver. “I think he could love me, too.”
As I say the words, it violently hits me how true a statement it is. How easily I could see Ren waking up next to me every morning, his face buried in my neck. How natural the thought of him cooking with me is. How mine and Piper’s girls nights would become family nights. How his and Piper’s relationship feels like it’s filled a hole in my heart that I didn’t know existed.
“I know he can,” she responds, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, and maybe to her, it is. She knows the Ren who drops everything to help his family. The Ren who is always smiling and always there for everyone who needs him. She doesn’t know the Ren who’s crumbling beneath the weight of everyone’s perceptions of him.
The last thing I want is to become another person he feels like he can’t let down.
“And… and he loves you. All of you,” I say, a giant lump in my throat. “So much. The way he talks about you is…”
“Is this about what I said to you all those years ago?”
I freeze, heart pounding so hard I feel it in my head. It is, but I didn’t expect her to even remember. I expected it to be something inconsequential to her, just another Wednesday.
“I… yes. I told him about what happened.” A wave of shame fills my body. I don’twantto get between Ren and his family, especially not his mother. But he deserves the truth, especially when he’s bent over backwards to come across as perfect for people. “He wanted to know why I stopped coming around, why I left town, then came back in hiding. I told him the truth.”
Mrs. Quinn finally turns to face me. “What did he say?” she asks. Her voice is calm and even, and I can’t tell if it’s because it’sa genuine curiosity, or if she’s holding back more anger towards me.
“He was furious,” I admit, remembering Ren’s reaction. “He didn’t understand why… why…”
Mrs. Quinn sighs heavily. “I fucked up then, and I’m fucking up now.”
I blink at her. I don’t think I’ve ever heard this woman sayfuck.“Uh…”
“I was a dick.” She says it matter-of-factly and it catches me off guard. Not that I don’t agree, butdickis, once again, a word I didn’t think was in Mrs. Quinn’s vocabulary. “It’s notnotan excuse, but I was trying to do right by the church, by my community, by my family. I was so worried about the rules and what other people would think that I forgot why these things are important to me… and you were a casualty. I failed you, and myself, and I’m so sorry, Audrey.”
I finally look up, and her brown eyes are swimming with tears. My throat is thick with emotion when I try to swallow. “I thought you’d help me.”
“I should have,” she says quietly. “I was so worried about following the rules perfectly that I forgot the rules are supposed to help us best love God and His people. Turning you away did neither of those things, and what’s worse is it tookyearsfor me to realize I did something wrong.
“You have every right to hate me,” she continues, “and the guilt I feel is necessary because I did something wrong. I hope more than anything that one day you can forgive me, but I understand if you can’t.”
“I hated you for what you did. I hated everybody, to be honest.” My voice is shaky, but I continue to talk. My younger self deserves to be heard. “When I became a mom, my anger grew because I couldn’t imagine turning my daughter or any ofher friends away if they found themselves in a similar situation. I couldn’t imagine not loving them as hard as I could.
“But if I had such strong convictions about something, even if they turned out to be misguided, I can understand wanting to keep Piper away from that. While teen pregnancy isn’t one of those things, I think I can understand why you did what you did. But I’ll never stop wishing you had let me stay.”
“I wish I could do it over.” Mrs. Quinn smiles shakily, wiping at her eyes. “I hate that I hurt you. I’m learning I’ve hurt a lot of people and while I can’t change the past, I can certainly take ownership in the present, and be better in the future.”
“That shows a lot of growth,” I tell her earnestly. I pause for a moment before speaking again. “Could I hug you? Would that be okay?”
In lieu of a verbal answer, Mrs. Quinn steps forward and wraps her arms around me. “Thank you,” she whispers. “I don’t expect your forgiveness, but thank you for coming, and for talking to me. You’ve grown up to be a wonderful woman, and a mother to a wonderful girl. I’m so grateful you and Ren found each other again.”
