Page 92 of On My Side
I meet his eyes, and fight the urge to look away, to hide. I spent yesterday and today, until he called about Piper, in bed having shitty brain days. It’s not his fault—if he needs space, he needs space. But I don’t know how to deal with the sadness from him suddenly not being a part of my daily routine anymore. I miss him.
“Ren, I’m worrying about it.”
“Don’t, I’ve got it.” I want to grab him by his shirt, shake him so that perfect, floppy hair falls into his face, and tell him I need to pay him.
“I don’t want to owe you.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” he responds, a touch of frustration in his voice. “That’s what I’m saying. I’ve got it.”
“I can’t let you do this for me,” I insist.
“I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for Piper. I’d do it for any of my students if they needed. That’s all this is, okay?”
“And you’d bring your cat to them too?” I challenge.
His cheeks flush. “That’s not what we’re talking about. Piper is important to me, and yeah. Maybe my feelings for you impactedhow much she means to me, but I care. God, I wish I didn’tcare,” he hisses, rubbing his temples.
“I’m glad you care,” I say quietly. “I don’t think you know how much I’ve wished Piper had more people who showed up for her. And it’s my own damn fault she doesn’t, right? But you showed up for her tonight, and I’m grateful.”
“I want to show up for you, too,” he says quietly. “I wish I could be who you want.”
A small flicker of hope ignites in my chest. “Ren, I don’t see why we can’t… try again. We had fun.Ihad fun, at least. And not just with the sex but with everything and…”
“But I’d always be your dirty little secret. I can’t be a real-life Sky to you, only existing to you when you want an orgasm. I want everything with you, Audrey. You asked if I thought there was a universe where we work out, and I think it’s this one. I want to hold your hand and call you my partner and kiss your cheek in public. I want you to come to Sunday dinners and to be an emergency contact for you and Piper. I want to love you both, but you won’t let me. I’m… just a guy you fucked.”
He sounds so resigned, so hurt and it hurts me. “That’s not true, Ren. You’re much more than that. You’re my best friend.”
The sadness in his eyes tells me that’s not enough.
“I’m staying because Piper asked, but that’s it,” he says, averting his gaze back to the floor. “You know what you want, and I know what I need, and they’re incompatible. That’s it.”
The silence after he leaves me in the kitchen echoes. I force myself to return to the living room, where Ren’s on the couch next to Piper, who’s chattering away, explaining the plot of the movie to him with Leia tucked in her arms.
“So now you’re back to having zero friends,” Eva says, reading me for absolute filth.
I exhale heavily, leaning back in my desk chair. I decided to do therapy in my office today so I could be on call because of a callout. “I suppose you’re right. I’m back to zero friends.”
Eva doesn’t say anything, just stares at me.
“And, I mean…” I continue with a hollow laugh. “Who’s surprised? Not me! Me not being enough for Ren? Shocking! I’ve never been enough for anyone.” The back of my throat burns with the threat of tears. “I want to be good enough for someone.”
“I’m curious. Ren has been in your life for a little while now, and he’s the first person you’ve let get this close to you. I’m wondering if you have feelings for him? Beyond friendship?” Eva asks.
“I don’t know. I don't even have friends, remember?”
Eva hums. “What about your high school friends? Was the way you felt about Ren reminiscent of how you felt about your friends in the past?”
My instinct is to say yes. To insist that, yes, my heart beat faster around my friends as a teenager. Yes, I always smiled when I thought about them, which was all the time. Yes, touching them made me feel like my skin was on fire. Yes, this is normal friend stuff.
When I don’t respond, Eva speaks again. “Can you do something for me? I want you to visualize your future, maybe five years down the road.”
I sigh, but oblige, closing my eyes.
“I want you to imagine the life that makes you happy. Where’s Piper? What does your relationship with her look like?”
“Piper’s in college,” I answer immediately. “We FaceTime once a week and she’s happy.”
“What do you do when you come home from work?”
