Page 47 of On My Side
Ren
well, i definitely didn’t say THAT. but i do wish you’d agreed to talk to me sooner.
Audrey
what does that mean?
I’m staring at my phone, waiting for a response to Ren’s cryptic comment.
I don’t get one.
It’s my first day back at work in over a week. After the incident with Ren, I spiraled. Fast. I found myself in bed until Nia texted me that we were understaffed today and they needed backup.
So I brushed my teeth and took a shower for the first time in forever, and here I am, in my office at the inn and wondering what my child’s piano teacher is talking about.
I’m on medication. I go to therapy. I try to use the coping skills I’ve learned over the years and I still have week-long depressive episodes where all I do is sleep and watch TV. It makes me feel like such a failure. Eva reminds me being diagnosed with major depressive disorder literally means it’s chronic and these episodes will come and go, but still. Shouldn’t I know how to handle them after over a decade of treatment?
I try to focus on my work throughout the day, but I find my mind constantly wandering to Ren. Ren who held my hand through a symphony, for no discernable reason besides the fact he’d wanted to. Ren, who gave me his sweater and listened to me like what I had to say was important.
Ren, who possibly knows I listen to audio erotica.Hisaudio erotica. Ren, who’s been reaching out and trying to connect while I continue to push him away.
Ren, who probably hates me because I’ve refused to communicate with him.
It’s probably for the best. We’d be awful together. He’s beloved by the community, and he should be with someone who is equally beloved, not the depressed single mom who spends a week in bed, barely eating or taking care of herself. He saw how Celia treated me at the diner, and that’s just a snapshot of what our future would look like if he chose to be with me.
He deserves someone he can brag about, someone who doesn’t send her employees to the town meetings to avoid interacting with townspeople. Someone who doesn’t drive twenty miles to Norwalk to grocery shop. Someone he can introduce with pride.
That will never be me.
While he may not understand why, me pushing him away is the biggest kindness I could show him.
I fear my heart’s already too soft to have quick, meaningless sex when he’s come to mean so much to me.
To Piper, too. God. Piper. I probably ruined everything for her.
Because that seems to be what I do lately. Ruin good things.
Audrey
hi birdie, we had a call-in so i’m going to stay a little late at work. You can use my card to order pizza if you want.
Piper
meh, thanks but no thanks. i’m gonna make ramen.
I put my phone on the front desk and answer the ringing phone, taking a quick note of what the guests in room 33 need: toothpaste and shaving cream. I collect the items and give them to our runner before helping the guest waiting to check-in for a two-night stay.
Around an hour later, Piper’s text tone goes off, so I pick my phone up again.
Piper
hey moooooom? can you ask Mr. Q if I can cat sit leia soon?pleeeeeeeeaaaaaasseeeee
Well, there goes my multi-hour streak of not thinking about Ren. Except for when a toddler started banging on the piano in the lobby earlier. When I looked, I swore it was him on the bench. I caught myself thinking of him again when I was on hold with one of our suppliers andFür Elisewas the hold music. Or…
Fine. Itried,okay?
Audrey
