Page 109 of You, Me, and Forever

“I met your father when I was eighteen years old. You know that I grew up without money, without things. And I met this man who gave me this fairy-tale life. Yes, he was difficult and selfish at times, but hewanted to give his family everything he could. I loved your father for a long time. And a little part of me will always love him because he gave me the two greatest gifts of my life—you and Samuel. But I should have left a long time ago. I spent many years feeling incredibly lonely. And that’s when my friendship started with Gino. I never cheated on your father, and I never would. He may not have respected our vows, but I always have. You have to remember that Papa and Nana didn’t have a great marriage. I didn’t have a great example, and that’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth. But I’m making changes now, Myles, and I want that for you as well.”

“Mom, you are not the bad guy here. I don’t blame you. I wish you’d left sooner, just because I want you to have everything you deserve. You deserve to be loved and cherished. He never deserved you.”

She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Gino and I have a very special friendship, and he’s always told me that I deserve better. I’m going to pursue that, because I’ve pushed these feelings for him away for a long time, and I don’t have to do that anymore. None of us do.” She shrugged. “Look at Samuel. He’s engaged now. He’s working with you and making decisions for his life that are based around making himself happy. He took your father out of the equation and decided what kind of life he wanted. That’s what I’ve done as well. And I want that for you.”

“That man has been out of the equation for me for a very long time. That’s why I left medical school. That’s why I’m doing what I love. Even if he calls it playing with LEGOs, I know that I’m doing what I love. I don’t base my decisions on him anymore.”

Her thumb moved soothingly over the back of my hand. “You don’t seem happy, Myles. I know that your profession is something that you chose, and I’m proud of you for that. But your personal life is a different story. And I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason you don’t experience love in your life. Real love, Myles. You’re an amazing man, and you deserve that. Don’t let our mistakes cost you someone you love.”

Fucking Samuel. The dude has a big mouth.

“Mom, I’m fine.”

“Myles, you aren’t fine. Ever since you returned home, you’ve seemed like a zombie every time I see you. Every time I speak to you. You are a shell of yourself, and I recognize that because I lived that way for a very long time. I was angry and I didn’t know how to express it. I buried it deep inside myself and put on a brave face and suffered in silence. I ended up becoming a mom that my boys didn’t respect. A woman that I didn’t respect. And I’m changing that now, and I don’t want you to do that.”

Now it was my turn to squeeze her hand. “I never blamed you. It killed me that you stayed with him, but I never blamed you. You were a wonderful mother. I just always felt that you deserved better.”

“And you don’t think that you deserve better?”

“I have everything that I want, Mom.” I pulled my hand away and reached for my water. This lunch had turned into a much heavier conversation than I’d anticipated, and I wanted to stop talking about it.

“Your father has had multiple affairs, Myles. Wendy is not going to stay with him. She and I may not be close friends, but we share a similar experience of being in a relationship with a toxic man that we both happened to have loved at some point. But the truth is, he’s a lonely man. He’s messed up in his own way, and he uses his money and his power to bully people. But you aren’t sticking it to your father by being alone. Because you’re just doing what I did all those years.”

My gaze locked with hers. “How am I doing what you did? I hardly talk to the man. I made a decision to do what I wanted professionally. He doesn’t decide what I do any longer.”

“Because of the trauma that you experienced as a young boy and young man, I think you’re afraid to open your heart. I think you were brave when you took over the company from your grandfather. It was a bold move.” Another tear slipped down her cheek. “But you are afraid to let yourself love and be loved, Myles. So you throw yourself into work, just like he did. You may not have chosen medicine, but you arechoosing a career over a family. And Samuel told me that he believes you have real feelings for Montana. So why would you walk away?”

I groaned. “That brother of mine sure has a big fucking mouth.”

“It doesn’t matter who told me. Samuel loves you. We’ve both noticed a huge change in you since you’ve returned home. It’s been two months. You’re miserable, and for what? You can have it all, Myles. I was afraid to leave my marriage for a very long time, and fear can steal years of your life. I don’t want that for you. Tell me why you’re so afraid to love someone and let them love you back?”

I leaned back in my chair. The question had my skin prickling and my heart pounding in my ears. I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say.

She repeated the question. “Why are you so afraid?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you love her?” she pressed, and I wanted to shout at her for pushing me. For turning our lunch into a goddamn therapy session.

I looked away, letting out a long breath.

Her words played over and over in my head.

“She lives there, and I live here.”

“That wasn’t the question.”

“I wouldn’t even know how to be in a relationship, Mom,” I said as a pain settled in my chest. “She can do a hell of a lot better than me. Chances of me failing her are high. She deserves better. She deserves—everything.”

“Myles, you are the best son and the best brother. Your grandfather adored you. You know how to be in a relationship. You’re just afraid of failing. Because you’ve seen what that looks like. But you are not a coward. You are a fighter. And I’m going to ask you this one more time, and I want you to be brave enough to answer me.” Her gaze locked with mine. “Do you love her?”

I didn’t hesitate this time. “Yes.”

“Then do something about it. Do not waste years being unhappy. I’ve been there. You can’t get that time back.”

“I don’t know how to do this, Mom.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve never done it before.”

“Did you know how to be a brother when Samuel was born? No. You figured it out because you loved him, and you’re the best damn brother I’ve ever known. Did you know how to handle your father’s affair when you were young? No. But you did what you could to protect me, because you love me. Did you know how to run your grandfather’s business when he passed away? No. But you figured it out because you loved him. You’re a smart man, Myles. You spent months with her. Every time I spoke to you, you were with her. That’s all it is. Time and care and love. You know how to do it. You’re just afraid of failing. Dig deep, my brave boy.” Tears were streaming down her face now, and I didn’t even care if we were making a scene in this restaurant.

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