Page 32 of Choices of the Heart

“I suppose, in matters of weather at least, Hope Springs is not terribly different from the big cities we come from.”

“Did you like living in Chicago?” she asked.

It was not a question he had to ponder. “I liked a lot of things about Chicago.”

“What were the things you liked most?”

“I liked that I met so many different people with different backgrounds. I learned a lot from them. I liked all the buildings, watching how the city changed and grew. I didn’t get to attend often, but I thoroughly enjoyed going to the theater and listening to orchestras. And while I do enjoy the comfort of wearing simple clothes, there was something nice about dressing to the nines now and then.”

Sophie nodded in a way that indicated not merely understanding but complete agreement. “Baltimore boasts those same things, and I love them. And while the balls and soirees I have attended there were tamer than thecéilíshere, I did enjoy them.”

“There are a lot of things I miss about Chicago, and most of those things couldn’t be found here, no matter how much the town grows or how much time passes.”

She turned a searching gaze on him. “Could it be that part of the reason you sometimes feel like your life here is lacking is because of the things you miss about Chicago? Going to the theater, listening to orchestras, being surrounded by interesting buildings?”

He hadn’t really thought about that. “I suppose it could be. But, even with all that, the thing that brought me the most satisfaction was the work I did as a doctor, helping people and saving lives. The rest was secondary to that. And I help and save people here.”

“Then, you have what makes you happiest, just not what adds to that happiness.”

“What is it that makes you happiest, Sophie?” he asked.

“Being with happy people and trying new things. And I’m never happier than when I can hear music and when I can laugh.”

“Why is it you deny yourself those things when you’re in Baltimore?”

That added surprise and confusion to her expression.

“Mrs. Archer told me a little bit about your life in Baltimore,” he confessed. “Why is it you’re so different there than you are here?”

“Being myself caused a lot of difficulties. I tried to be more authentic, I truly did. But in the end, it was far easier and far more comfortable to conform when around other people.”

“And has that worked?”

She nodded. “Things are a lot better.”

“Better for whom?”

Sophie always seemed to have ready answers, but she didn’t to that question. She walked beside him, silent, her brow pulled in deep thought. Burke didn’t press the matter. He knew perfectly well the mental jumble caused by having one’s assumptions called into question. He was still experiencing that himself.

After a long moment, she said, “It’s better for Mrs. Archer. My mother spent years having to defend me to people who were critical of my odd behavior. She loves me, and I don’t think she begrudged the effort, but itdidtake effort. Mrs. Archer has been kind to me. She took me in when I was very much alone in the world. Saving her the burden of explaining me to people makes things better for her.”

He couldn’t entirely argue with that. But he had the very real impression that Mrs. Archer would not be bothered by that “burden.”

“And in many ways, it’s better for me too,” Sophie said. “My mother wasn’t the only one who expended time and energy in my defense. I was forever apologizing and explaining. I would sing at a musical evening, and though I enjoyed it in the moment, the next week would be spent in an exhausting effort to smooth things over.”

“Do you like to sing?”

“More than my actual talent warrants.” She looked amused enough that he wasn’t worried she was embarrassed or hurt by the recollection. “Ability is more valued than enthusiasm in the circles I am part of in Baltimore.”

“That seems a shame.”

“As I’ve heard Patrick say more than once, ‘It is what it is.’ And, more than a shame, it is so very tiring. I reached the point where I dreaded the idea of going to new soirees and events. Subduing some of my exuberance has made those excursions more comfortable and less wearing.”

“But are you truly happy in Baltimore?”

“I am, really. I do like all the things we were talking about. And I do enjoy the social gatherings. I simply have to tiptoe more carefully there. I love Mrs. Archer. She’s become family to me. In her house, I can be myself. I can relax in ways I didn’t even with my own family. She’s alone in Baltimore, and so was I. I like to think I’ve been as good for her as she has been for me.”

“But, outside of her house, in Baltimore you can’t be who you really are.”

---