Page 96 of Forget Me Not

“Traitor,” she silently mouthed.

Lucas returned his gaze to the front of the chapel. He continued to smile, and her own traitorous heart responded with warmth and hope... and hurt. The same desperate and hesitant longing that had filled her upon waking that afternoon returned with great force. She missed the Lucas who had been so tender and thoughtful and affectionate. Laughing together, jesting and smiling, did wonders for her heart, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted to be his partner, not just his friend. She needed to know she could trust him. That he would keep his word.

Lady Lampton’s voice singing one of Julia’s favorite hymns of Christmas softened something inside. Her ache didn’t truly ease. She still hurt, still stood on a precipice of uncertainty. But the carol whispered of peace. “Rest ye merry,” it instructed.

Rest ye.

Somehow, she would find a means of laying down her burdens and allowing her heart to rest.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Julia walked to the Collinghamchurchyard the next morning to visit her many loved ones laid to rest there. Watching the affection with which Lucas had listened to his mother the night before had stirred a longing in her heart for her own mother, but she could visit her mother only in the graveyard.

She set her gloved hand atop Mother’s gravestone. “I wish you were here. You could help me make sense of all this.”

Father never seemed to know what to say. And despite his tender welcome home, Julia couldn’t bring herself to fully confide in him. He’d deserted her in her most desperate hour. She could not lay bare her vulnerabilities again.

“Mother, I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do.”

Her gaze wandered to Stanley’s grave not far distant. Her beloved brother would have looked out for her, helped her sort out this mess.

And sweet, beloved Charlotte. Her sister. Half of her. Not a day went by that she didn’t think of her twin. Life had dealt too many blows and seemed poised to deliver more.

A small handful of flowers lay in front of Charlotte’s gravestone. Forget-me-nots, like those Lucas had given her inside the chapel the night before. These were still fresh.

Julia turned to look in the direction of the Jonquils’ corner of the churchyard. Heaven help her, she felt a flutter of anticipation at the possibility of Lucas being there.

He wasn’t.

Disappointment washed over her.

“My traitorous heart,” she whispered.

In the very next moment, Lucas stepped out of the doors of the church and paused to put his hat on.

Julia looked away, telling herself to be wise. Her heart refused to be entirely so. She looked up once more to see him walking toward her.

He came and stood at her side, glancing at Charlotte’s grave. “There is both sorrow and comfort in these visits, isn’t there?”

“You brought Charlotte flowers.”

“I bring her flowers every time I’m here,” he said.

“Losing her felt like losing half of myself. It still does.” The pain was less acute than it had been but was no less real. “I haven’t felt entirely whole since she died.”

Lucas took her hand, something she suspected he did by instinct more than anything else. She didn’t pull away.

“I’ve felt incomplete since Stanley’s death.” He walked with her hand in his. “He was as much a brother to me as James and Philip. Nothing has been the same since he died.” He kicked at a pebble in the path.

Julia held tight to him. He had reached for her in a time of struggle, like a valued and needed part of his life.

He took a deep, shaky breath. “I couldn’t convince him not to fight. I tried. Neither he nor James would listen to me.”

“Stubbornness is a defining trait of our families.”

He smiled a little but with such sadness. “I admired their willingness to defend King and Country, but neither had the training nor the disposition for war.”

“Did you always know they wouldn’t return?”

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