Page 30 of Mafia Pregnancy

How can I expose my children to whatever world they live in? I’m not really afraid of Radmir, or even Andrei, hurting me or the children, but he probably has enemies, and he clearly engages in dangerous activities. What kind of family life would that be, assuming he even wanted us in any capacity?

By Friday morning, I’ve made a decision that feels both inevitable and terrifying. I can’t tell Radmir anything about Leo, this pregnancy, or even how I can’t stop thinking about the connection between us that stretches back four years. The risks are too great, and the potential consequences are too devastating.

Fridays are half-days, and Carmen picked me up this morning, so she could come with me to my appointment, so we leave the estate in her 1999 Honda Civic. My Aunt Molly has agreed to pick up Leo from school if we’re running late.

“How are you feeling?” she asks as we drive toward the clinic in Pacific Beach.

“Terrified. Nauseated. Am I making a mistake I can’t undo?” I stare out the window at the familiar streets, trying to calm the anxiety that’s been building all week. “What if someone sees us? What if word gets back to Radmir that I was at a prenatal clinic?”

She gives me a sympathetic look. “The clinic is in Pacific Beach, not La Jolla. The chances of running into anyone connected to your work are practically zero.”

“You don’t understand. Andrei confronted me earlier this week. He basically threatened me about keeping my mouth shut regarding anything I might have overheard while working.”

Carmen’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “He threatened you?”

“Politely, but yes.” I tell her about the conversation in Radmir’s study, and the subtle warnings wrapped in discussions of confidentiality agreements and consequences. “He knows I heard something I shouldn’t have, and he’s making sure I understand what happens if I talk.”

She seems upset on my behalf. “That’s not normal. Employers don’t threaten their maids unless there’s something seriously wrong with what they’re doing.”

I nod emphatically. “I know, which is why I can’t tell Radmir about Leo or the baby. Whatever business he’s involved in, it’s dangerous enough that his security chief feels comfortable intimidating domestic staff.” I think about Leo, the innocence in his three-year-old eyes, and the world I’m trying to protect him from. “I won’t drag my children into that.”

She doesn’t argue for the moment when we arrive. She parks, in the lot, and we go in. The clinic is busy but efficient, filled with women in various stages of pregnancy and partners who look either excited or overwhelmed. Carmen and I check in and settle into uncomfortable waiting room chairs, surrounded by parenting magazines and pamphlets about prenatal vitamins.

“Ms. Arden?” Fifteen minutes past my appointment time, a nurse appears in the doorway, clipboard in hand. “We’re ready for you.”

The exam room is small and sterile, with medical equipment that looks both sophisticated and intimidating. I change into a paper gown and climb onto the examination table, gripping the sheet tightly as the technician prepares the ultrasound machine.

“This is your first appointment?” The technician is young and friendly, with professional warmth that’s probably meant to be reassuring.

“Yes. I think I’m about eleven weeks along.”

She nods, still looking at my chart before setting it aside. “Let’s see what we can find.”

The gel is cold against my skin, and the ultrasound wand presses uncomfortably against my lower abdomen. For a moment, there’s nothing on the screen but static and shadows. Then the image flickers to life, and I’m looking at the tiny form of my second child.

“There we are.” The technician adjusts the angle, bringing the image into sharper focus. “Looks like you’re right about the timing. I’d say eleven weeks, two days. Everything looks normal for this stage of development.”

I stare at the tiny heart beating with impossible speed, the barely formed limbs, and the curve of what will eventually become a spine. This is real and happening. In seven months, Leo will have a sibling, and I’ll be a single mother of two children whose father doesn’t know they exist. I start to cry.

The technician mistakes them for tears of joy. “That first look is amazing, isn’t it?” She hands me a box of tissues. “Would you like pictures?”

I nod, not trusting my voice as I wipe away tears of joy and fear. The technician prints several images and hands them to me. The grainy black and white photos somehow manage to capture the entire future in a few inches of thermal paper.

Carmen squeezes my hand as we leave the clinic, both of us quiet as we process what we just witnessed. The baby is healthy, developing normally, and completely unaware of the complicated circumstances surrounding its existence.

“How do you feel?” she asks as we settle into a café down the street, the lunch crowd providing enough noise to cover our conversation.

“Like my life just became exponentially more complicated.” I order herbal tea instead of coffee, another small adjustment to accommodate this pregnancy. “Seeing the ultrasound made it real in a way the pregnancy tests didn’t.” It was that way with Leo too.

“Real how?”

“Real like there’s a person growing inside me who deserves better than being hidden like a shameful secret. Real like Leo deserves to know he’s going to be a big brother, and real likeI’m failing both of my children by keeping them away from their father.”

She stirs honey into her tea, choosing her words carefully. “You told me earlier this week that you were going to find a way to tell Radmir the truth. What changed?”

“Andrei’s visit changed everything. Whatever business Radmir is involved in, it’s scary and probably illegal.” I think about shell companies and customs documentation, about Montenegro and Tijuana and all the things I wasn’t supposed to understand. “I don’t know all the details, but I know enough to recognize danger when I see it.”

Her tone and expression don’t betray how she’s feeling. “You’re going to keep hiding both children from him forever?”

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