Page 77 of Chasing Xander
“None of that was a lie.”
She threw her hands up in the air. “I thought guys liked virgins. Isn’t that the Holy Grail for a guy like you?”
“No,” he bit out through gritted teeth. “I’m sure for some it is, but not me.” He stood.
“Right.” She laughed bitterly. “Hooking up with girls who’ve been around the frat house several times is cool, but someone like me, someone who doesn’t jump into bed with every dick she encounters, isn’t?” Before she realized what she was doing, she was standing in front of him, their bodies much too close and, at the same time, not close enough. “Just say it, Xander. I’m not experienced enough for you. That’s the real reason you won’t have sex with me, isn’t it?”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He once again crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at her, his face tight with frustration.
“Then fucking explain it to me! Because, God, that kiss… That was the hottest damn thing I’ve ever experienced, and I don’t care what you say, I know you enjoyed it, too. How can you react to me like that and then walk away?”
“I’m not walking away. I’m just taking a step back.”
“Oh please.” She huffed, anger simmering beneath her skin. “Look, if you don’t want me, just say so, okay? Because all these mixed signals are getting old.”
“Don’t want you?” He narrowed his eyes. “I cannot believe those words just came out of your mouth.”
“Well, what the hell else am I supposed to think? Things were going so well until I told you I was a virgin, then suddenly, you’re putting on the brakes and keeping your distance. I don’t understand.”
“Because virgins want the perfect first time. They want candles and soft music and damn rose petals on the bed. Then they want romance and pillow talk and commitments.” Despite the vehement emotion behind his words, his tone was level, controlled. “Because someone like you deserves all of that. You deservemorethan that.” He cradled her face in his hands, his thumbs rubbing over her cheeks. “And I can give you all that. I know I can. But I’m not sure you’re ready.” Dropping his hands from her face, he took a step back.
Kylie stared at him, a myriad of emotions battling inside her. Anger and frustration that he thought he knew how she envisioned her first time. She didn’t need any of that crap he described. All she wanted was for her first time to be with someone she truly cared for, and he was that person. He made her laugh, and he challenged her, and he’d been there for her at her lowest time. Without a second thought, he’d gotten in his car and drove her across the country for her grandmother’s funeral.
She swallowed hard and blinked back the unshed tears that pricked behind her eyes. “You don’t get to tell me when I’m ready, Xander. I can make that decision on my own.” Her body was weary with exhaustion, but they were finally talking, and she didn’t want to lose this moment. A flicker of hope started in her chest and spread to her limbs. Maybe she could make him understand how much she wanted him, how ready she was to take their relationship to the next level.
Or maybe she was being naive, and Celeste had been right. Maybe she should’ve hooked up with someone before she’d set her sights on Xander. At least then she’d have a fighting chance with him. But no. Instead, she’d repeatedly thrown herself at him, and he’d repeatedly turned her down.
She straightened her shoulders and stuck out her chin defiantly. “So, if I wasn’t a virgin, if I’d gone out and had sex with some random guy to get some experience first, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now? Is that what you’re telling me?”
“No!” he shouted, finally losing his composure and slicing his hand through the air. “God, how could you even ask me that? The thought of anyone else touching you… I’d fucking kill anyone who tried.”
“Oh, that’s just perfect. You won’t touch me, but no one else can, either? That’s nice.” She shook her head with disgust.
He let out a frustrated groan and paced away from her, shaking his head as if he couldn’t figure out what else to say.
“You can’t have it both ways. You can’t not want me but expect me to stick around.”
“Not want you?” His laugh was terse and shaky, bordering on maniacal. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He stalked up to her, his chest heaving with his heavy breaths. She held his gaze, and his eyes darkened as she watched him. “I have wanted you since the moment I met you.” His tone was once again controlled, his voice smooth and sexy. “Every second we spend together is worse than torture, knowing how badly I want to kiss you and touch you, but I can’t.”
“You can. You choose not to.”
“No, Ican’t. All I know how to have are sexual relationships. Meaningless hookups with random women. You don’t deserve that. So don’t stand there and tell me I don’t want to touch you or be with you. I do. It’s all I can think about.”
“Maybe it’s time you stop thinking about it and just do it already.” She held out her arms. “I’ve been right here the entire time.” She let her arms fall back to her sides. “I’ve never told you no. You made that choice for me.”
“Is that what you want? You want me to throw you on the bed and fuck you like I’ve fucked every other girl I’ve been with? You want me to kiss you when it’s over, walk you home, and then pretend nothing ever happened when I see you on campus? Because that’s the guy I’ve always been, Kylie.” He stabbed his chest with his finger. “And I refuse to be that guy with you. You are not going to be another one-and-done for me. I want more than that with you.”
She swallowed hard and blinked rapidly. “So why do you keep pushing me away, then?”
“I’m not trying to push you away.”
She gave him a dirty look.
“I’m not. I swear I’m not. But God, Ky. You don’t get it.” He paced away, hands laced on top of his head.
“Then help me understand, because all I see is you pushing me away and giving me one excuse after another about why this can’t happen.” Her hands shook, and she tucked them under her arms to hide how upset she was with this whole situation.
“I have never cared about anyone like I care about you.” He dropped his hands from his head and turned to face her. His expression was tortured, and her breath hitched. “The depth of my feelings for you scares the hell out of me, and the thought of messing up your first time…” He shook his head. “I don’t want to disappoint you.” He put his hands on her shoulders. “And I really don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”
